I am grateful for Jesus Christ and that He came to earth and gave His life for our sins, so we could be forgiven.

I like games. We are a game family. Not sports games, ha ha. But board game types of things. I remember playing Scrabble with my mom growing up. Playing chess with my dad. Playing Sorry and cards and Life and Hangman and Tri-onimos and Operation and Trouble with my sisters. Playing Phase 10 and Candyland and Bananagrams and Monopoly and Risk with my kids. And playing all of these and more with our extended family.

But the giant game of all games is above them all – the mighty game of Trivial Pursuit. My parents and their best friends (who were also relatives) played canasta for a time, and who knows what else, but the game I remember the most for them is Trivial Pursuit. Our parents played it, and we were allowed to be in the room…sometimes…unless we were noisy. But when we got older, we were allowed to play as well. And when I got married, I got my own Trivial Pursuit boxes. Lots of old versions, picked up a garage sales or on this new thing called eBay. A few new ones went into the collection.

As my children came along, we kept playing it with my sisters and their families. Rules were followed. Two teams only. Guys and girls. Girls always pink, boys always blue (if you tried other combinations someone would invariably forget and move the other teams token). No phones when it’s your team’s turn. No time limits but could you please hurry up???

We’ve played other games, but Trivial Pursuit is always in the mix. It’s easy to play, it’s fun enough, and if you lose you can always claim that your team got the “hard” box.

It’s given us a lot of good family times over the years, and I’m super grateful for it.

I am thankful for Trivial Pursuit.

This one’s extremely hard. Like…how do you even come up with something to fill this prompt?

Matter, of fact, I don’t like this one. I don’t like it because I don’t believe that I have done anything worth being particularly braggy about. I think that everything that seems awesome about me is only here because God has put it here, and it’s the Holy Spirit working in me that allows me to produce anything of value. Most of the things I come up with myself don’t seem super great, if people knew the motivation behind things and my concern that everyone will discover the truth, that I am a fraud and not a great person, when you get right down to it. Even when I do nice stuff, I taint it by thinking that I wish other people would do more stuff for me, or that it would be cool to be noticed, or even the horrid, selfish thought that even though no one is seeing this or will do a bunch of nice things for me, God sees it and I’ll have a reward in heaven AND YOU KNOW THAT IS NOT WHY WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FOLLOWING THE GOLDEN RULE. Like…I feel like having those thoughts probably negates all the good stuff anyway. I want my brain to just quiet down and my heart to quit being selfish and just everything work together to just do good stuff, period.

I have described this feeling before as dying and going to meet Jesus and then go I go show Him all the things I did with my life, and when I open my hands, all I am holding is dirty scraps of rags, and sand that runs through my fingers until I’m holding nothing.

And you know what else? I’m not 100% sure what personality trait even means.

I am a quitter, I’m not truly nice, I’m selfish, I’m greedy, I’m pretty foul in a lot of ways. I’m also cleaned by the blood of the Lamb, but I didn’t do anything to make that happen. Not really.

I am going to choose to be thankful for the person I am, as vile as that is, and for a God who loves me anyway. That’s really all I can do with this one.

This is a funny one when you’re backdating. The 26th was a Sunday. I skipped church and hung around and felt sorry for myself. I was depressed. Sad about Jerry. Sad about money. Sad about Belinda’s illnesses. Sad because of the unmowed yard and the dirty dishes and the holes in the drywall and the broken bricks outside and a dozen other things. I felt very, very sorry for myself.

I don’t know what to be thankful for on that day.

And I’m dumb, and I just looked, and that grid makes it look like it was a Sunday, but the 26th was Tuesday, and that was Jerry’s funeral.

Obviously I am grateful for my stepdad, Jerome “Jerry” Harold Short, and the close to two decades that I was lucky enough to have him in my lift.

A link to Jerry’s obituary.

Wow, the last time I wrote these was 7 days ago. A lot has happened in that time. I am obviously going to continue backdating these just to make myself feel better. But now it’s the last day of November. Belinda and Bennett are still recovering from the wisdom teeth coming out. We had the viewing and funeral for Jerry. I went to the eye doctor and we had Thanksgiving. And today we watched two good friends marry.

I know it’s in the past now, but if I had wrote this then, I would have liked to have been thankful for Jerry’s viewing and funeral. It was a very sad time, and I cried a lot, but it was also so good to see all of the photos of his life, and visit with all his friends and family. People came to talk to Mom and remind her of their pasts together, and many of our friends were there to support us and say their goodbyes.

His daughter did a wonderful job with everything. I wish again that I could have done more in the last few years, but I still feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know how much I could have really done. I do want to make sure that I don’t let go of the relationships I have with Jerry’s family, even though the half of the couple that tied us together is gone. I didn’t do as good as I wanted to before, but I can surely do better now.

As for something I am grateful now that is in my future from today, I am grateful that I went to the store today and got something for my new secret sister at church. I am grateful that I have something to put at church in the morning, and that she is going to find it and feel loved! Secret sister has stressed me out in the past, and I’ve skipped it many times before, because I think I’m not a very good one. I don’t know how our new financial hardships will affect my ability to get things for her and remind her that I’m praying for her. And what if I don’t remember to pray enough? I am just trying not to have those thoughts, and do as good as I can. But it’s difficult to not be the person I am, you get me?

Anyway, this has veered off topic. I am grateful for the two events I’ve named. I am also grateful for the day when Christ returns. I am most grateful for that.

This was a weird blog entry. I feel weird so that’s not super surprising.

I am kind of down today. I am okay, but I’m just a bit depressed. I have just been trying for so long now to be positive and thankful and joyful even when things seem difficult. And things have been difficult and appear to be not turning around anytime soon. I know there are good things in my life. I know that I have so many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to be the one who is usually lifting up everyone else. I’m very tired and feeling really worn down today.

I am thankful for my home. I look at it today and see holes in the walls and missing mortar and loose bricks and the exposed areas on the north wall that let in so much cold last winter. I’m not feeling super positive about those things. But it’s the home I wanted and the home I got, and I do love the historical aspect of it. And the remodeled bathroom is really nice. Even though I really want to wash the shower curtain and it’s difficult for me to get down with what I call my bad arms, and I haven’t been able to get anyone to get it down for me. But maybe someone will help soon.

I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for my yard, even though I could point out a lot of things about it that bring me down as well. I’m glad it’s somewhat rural. I’m glad that it’s back far from the road.

I’m thankful to live in Tuttle, and in Oklahoma, and in the USA. I know that I am blessed beyond belief.

I will probably feel better tomorrow.

This is the entry for the 21st, but I am backdating it from the 22nd. I was thankful for a lot yesterday, though. I had a quiet, contemplative day. I thought about Jerry a lot. I thought about other loved ones that are no longer here. I prayed more than normal and spent time reminiscing.

I don’t have a job. Not a normal job, anyway. I consider myself a writer, even though none of my novels have been published. I’m a homeschool educator, but that is just an extension of “mom” for me, so it doesn’t feel like a job. I also started writing for the newspaper again recently, and I appreciate that work. It is nice to do that kind of thing without having to be too entrenched in the journalism world.

Anyway, I guess I am most grateful for the creative writing job. I am thankful for all the friends I have made on the path to publication. I’m thankful for all I’ve learned and all I’m still learning. I catch myself getting down about it, sometimes, but I know that if I’m not published yet, that’s how it’s supposed to be. And I can be grateful for that, too. I am glad that my writing is a way to express myself, and I’m thankful that I am somehow naturally good at writing. A lot of people have to really work at grammar and storytelling, but it seems innate to me. My writing has helped me process a lot of things, which is good because I barely understand myself.

So that’s what we’re going with today.

Today is a book. Should be perfect for me. I thought about writing about all of my books – or at least manuscripts – that I have written. I could also do the Bible, which I am obviously grateful for.

I’m going to do “I’m Gonna Bury You” by Gene Neill. It’s a self-published book that I first read in junior high. My church Sunday School teacher lent it to me. It’s about a man who lived a wild life, went to prison, found Jesus, got out, and became a preacher. Every time I read this book, I am filled with faith, and hope, and excitement at the power of God!

When I was having a terrible depressive episode about eight years ago, what finally pulled me out of it was Gene’s book. I reread it, and it gave me a lift, but not like it used to do. But for the first time, I noticed he mentioned a book he read, Power of Praise, by Merlin Carouthers. And that book! That book was all about thanking God in all circumstances, whether we perceive them as good or bad. God is in control of all and it’s all working out for His glory. Like the whole, “All things work together for the good of those who love God.” ALL THINGS. Not just the pleasant things. And if we fully trust God and His plan, we should be praising and thanking him for everything!

And there it is. My heart was troubled before I started writing this, worried about finances and what’s going to happen to our family. But now that I remember to praise God in everything and thank Him, I remember that everything is going to be okay. Even if it looks bad here. Even if we lose our house, or the cars, or even our very lives, God is in control and He wins! And we can be with Him for all eternity, right there with His glory.

I feel complete and at peace again.

I am so thankful for those books!

“I’m Gonna Bury You” on Amazon

“Power of Praise” on Amazon

This isn’t easy to do today. The question keeps reminding me of my stepdad, Jerry, who hospice said today is actively passing. My stepsister Dianna has been taking care of him for the last several years, while I’ve had Mom. Mom repeats herself a lot and asks questions again and again, and that’s hard, but nothing compared to what Dianna has had to do. Although his mind has been sharp the entire time, his body has been having trouble for about four years now, starting with a tick bite.

So I think about that, and the fact that many of take our bodies, and our mobility, for granted. But it can all go.

My body hurts a lot. I think it’s the connectivity tissue disorder the geneticist says Belinda and I have, probably Ehlers-Danlos. But I’m not as bad off as a lot the people in the groups on reddit and facebook that I follow. My rheumatologist thinks it is psoriatic arthritis, but that never seemed quite right to me. I don’t really have psoriasis. I do have a super dry scalp and very rarely a little red spot up in my hairline, but that doesn’t seem the same to me. But I think he came to that conclusion because that’s what I walked in his office asking about, since Marissa had that. And now I wonder if she had it too. Maybe her pain was all undiagnosed Ehlers-Danlos. Her skin was really soft and makes me think of the velvety skin they said some EDS people have.

I’m not going to pick one thing. I’m thankful for my entire body. The good parts and the bad parts. I don’t treat it well; I don’t eat great and I don’t exercise enough and I’m on too many medications right now. But I’m trying. Hopefully as my weight comes down I can get off the medications and feel better. And do better.

I am thankful for the painful parts. I know that God has me experiencing this for a reason. Maybe it’s so Belinda could get a diagnosis and not have to go through whave over the years. Maybe it’s for all my kids and future issues. Maybe it’s something else. Doesn’t matter.

This is such a solemn day. 🙁