My stepdad died this evening. It’s still a shock, even though we knew it was coming. I wish I had spent more time with him the last few years. But I was doing the best I could. It’s been so hard. I am going to miss him terribly. He has been in our lives for a long time. I had my own dad for 21 years of my life. I had Jerry as a stepdad for 17.

The hobby I am grateful for today is traveling. I did not get to travel very much until Jerry came into my life. He was always willing to go anywhere and do anything. Without him I would not have taken the trips we took. I just didn’t have the confidence to travel like that, and Ben doesn’t really take the lead on things so if I didn’t do it, it wasn’t getting done. Then Mom mentioned that she wanted to see Washington, DC. And then they bought a van and drove there, with Ben and me and the three kids in the back. I planned a lot of it, and Jerry planned too, and we made it happen together. After that, we kept going. Sometimes Ben got to go, and sometimes he had to work, and me and the kids went with Mom and Jerry anyway. We went to Florida, to Miama and the Keys and to Disney World and Universal. We went to Carlsbad Cavern and Roswell and the White Sands. We went on a Caribbean cruise, to Mexico and Honduras. We went to Mount Rushmore and the Oklahoma Panhandle. Our next planned trip was going to be to California to see Hollywood and the redwoods, and then go north to visit his sister in Washington state. We even talked about continuing north into Canada, and to Alaska. He was always willing. I was trying to figure out the logistics for our family and then Covid happened. Jerry got bit by a tick and started going physically downhill fast. Mom started to develop dementia. Finally Jerry’s daughter had to move in with him and we brought Mom home with us. Mom didn’t take that too hard, as her memory was failing, but it was harder on Jerry. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think I could care for him like I knew he needed. And Mom was trying to help him when he fell, and she couldn’t pick him up. I couldn’t either.

I will always love him and appreciate him for being a dad to me when I didn’t have one, and being a grandfather to my children, who never knew my dad. On Father’s Day, I gave him cards that said Dad. Officially, legally, he was my stepfather, but it didn’t feel that way. Not really. It was so much more. He was a wonderful husband to my Mom and if he hadn’t lost his physical strength, he would have taken care of her even with her dementia. He loved her so much, even after she couldn’t remember things.

I didn’t have the confidence I should have had when Jerry got sick. I took him to the hospital and to appointments but when his daughter came I just left it to her. I felt like she and her brother would do most of it and I felt awkward because I shouldn’t really have a say. And I felt stretched in so many directions. And I know it hurt Jerry’s feelings that I pulled back so much. I know he loved me, but I just didn’t know what the right thing to do was. I didn’t know how to have conversations with him when he couldn’t speak well. I didn’t know what to do when he needed help eating and drinking. Jerry was always so strong and in charge, and seeing his weakness felt so foreign. I know he didn’t like being like that, and having us see it. I also thought maybe he was upset with me for taking Mom away. I don’t know how I could have felt different. But now that’s over.

I am so thankful that he took us on those trips. He gave me confidence that I could also do such things, and after 2020 we have been to Orlando and to Galveston for dance competitions, and I was able to make those things happen. Maybe I would have been able to anyway, but not with the confidence he gave me.

So traveling is the hobby I’m going to go with today.

I had plans for tomorrow, but I’m not going to do them, I don’t think. I am going to stay home – I need to tell Mom because she was asleep when we got the call and I want to be here for her. I also just want to have a quiet day, and think about Jerry.