This isn’t easy to do today. The question keeps reminding me of my stepdad, Jerry, who hospice said today is actively passing. My stepsister Dianna has been taking care of him for the last several years, while I’ve had Mom. Mom repeats herself a lot and asks questions again and again, and that’s hard, but nothing compared to what Dianna has had to do. Although his mind has been sharp the entire time, his body has been having trouble for about four years now, starting with a tick bite.

So I think about that, and the fact that many of take our bodies, and our mobility, for granted. But it can all go.

My body hurts a lot. I think it’s the connectivity tissue disorder the geneticist says Belinda and I have, probably Ehlers-Danlos. But I’m not as bad off as a lot the people in the groups on reddit and facebook that I follow. My rheumatologist thinks it is psoriatic arthritis, but that never seemed quite right to me. I don’t really have psoriasis. I do have a super dry scalp and very rarely a little red spot up in my hairline, but that doesn’t seem the same to me. But I think he came to that conclusion because that’s what I walked in his office asking about, since Marissa had that. And now I wonder if she had it too. Maybe her pain was all undiagnosed Ehlers-Danlos. Her skin was really soft and makes me think of the velvety skin they said some EDS people have.

I’m not going to pick one thing. I’m thankful for my entire body. The good parts and the bad parts. I don’t treat it well; I don’t eat great and I don’t exercise enough and I’m on too many medications right now. But I’m trying. Hopefully as my weight comes down I can get off the medications and feel better. And do better.

I am thankful for the painful parts. I know that God has me experiencing this for a reason. Maybe it’s so Belinda could get a diagnosis and not have to go through whave over the years. Maybe it’s for all my kids and future issues. Maybe it’s something else. Doesn’t matter.

This is such a solemn day. 🙁