And now I enter a new realm of journaling, in which I have to talk about people that will probably see this. Unlike where I mentioned someone briefly or they were part of a group of people, but not mentioned by name, this is right in the trenches.

How did you get along with your cousins?

For purposes of this journal entry, I am going to define “cousins” as the children of my parents’ siblings. That makes it quite a bit easier, especially since I have no cousins on my mom’s side of the family. I do have distant cousins, some of whom I consider myself closer to than my first cousins, but for this journal, we’re sticking with the Pace side.

I was nearly the youngest of the cousins, with only one living cousin younger than me. We went, from oldest to youngest, Karlene, Brian, Lisa, Stefani, Marissa, Scott, Grant, Regina, John (who died as an infant) and Kristin. Let’s take them on a case-by-case basis.

Karlene – My oldest sister, who is 11 years older than me. Since she’s not my cousin, I’ll leave this for another day, which I’m sure these journal topics will cover.

Brian – My oldest cousin. Brian was a little younger than Karlene, although I can’t remember the particulars at the moment. He was so much older. I didn’t have much of a relationship with him. Plus, he was male, and since I had no brothers, I was always a little timid around boys. I do know that he was really cool. Brian held Black Cat firecrackers in his hands when he popped them off. Unfortunately, because of my apprehension about him, I never really got to know him. I hugged him when we went for get togethers, and asked him how he was, and was always really interested in what he was doing, but I guess we never got to know each other as friends. I’m sorry about that because he died too young, just a few years ago. He has a son but I don’t have much contact with him either – even less since Aunt Mary died.

Lisa – Lisa is Brian’s sister. I have always been infatuated with Lisa for some reason, and I don’t know if she knows it or not. She will probably be surprised if she reads this. I always thought Lisa looked a lot like me since we both had brown hair and shared a lot of the same features. Plus, she was really, really nice. Lisa would always ask how I was doing and really seem interested in what I had to say. She was a big girl and so this was very flattering to a little person. I didn’t spend much time with her either, since there were cousins my age that needed to be run around with, but I always get a smile on my face when I think about Lisa. She was (and is) always so nice to me.

Stefani – Stefani was next in line, and since she was closer to Marissa’s age, she paired up with Marissa by default if it was only our two families there. She also hung around a lot with Lisa if their family was there too. Stefani was cool, no-nonsense, and said what was on her mind. She also liked to watch sports on TV and to throw around the football in the yard, which I didn’t understand at all. Stefani is always nice and always fun to be with. I also think that we have ended up having a lot in common. We are the two in the family who enjoy working on genealogy, so that’s pretty neat.

Marissa – My sister…to save for another day.

Scott – The first of the three Musketeers. Scott, Grant and I were all born in 1974 and we would run around together. From what I’ve been told, we were very cute when we ran around together when we were very small, and once all three slept on one cot when the entire family was at Grandma’s for Christmas. Scott was the oldest of the young half the cousins, and these are the ones I knew the best. Scott was very cool, seemed confident, played sports and was a neat guy. Matter of fact, to my eyes he almost seemed to cool for our family. Scott was also pretty cute, which wasn’t a problem when I was young but became more of a problem when I was older. It was awkward having this cute guy sitting next to me on the couch while we watched T.V., and I wasn’t well equipped to deal with it. I also felt a little embarrassed with him (and Grant too, for that matter) when we went to swim at the creek or something like that. Anyway…

Grant – The boy cousin I knew best. Grant was easier to get along with, probably because he lived right next to Grandma and so I saw him and Kristen each time I went to Stilwell. Grant and I ran around together a lot, with Kristen in tow. I liked to hang out with Grant, and I still like to when I’m at Stilwell, which isn’t very often. Sometimes I would spend the day at Aunt Sue’s house, playing with Grant and Kristin, and when the end of the day came, I’d spend the night there. It was always weird how I hung out with Grant all day, but when night came I went and slept in Kristin’s bed with her. Once we were in nightclothes, Grant and I were incommunicado. Of course, how else do I think it should have been? It was just weird feeling, that’s all.

John – I’m going to mention John too, even though I didn’t know him and never met him. He died when I was less than a month old, only a few days after he was born. He was Brian and Lisa’s brother. I mention him because it was such an odd thing for a child to learn about. One day Scott and Grant and I ran through, and someone called us the three Musketeers, which was normal, yeah, that’s who we are, and then someone, Grandma maybe, sighed, “There would have been four Musketeers.” This was news to me, and I listened for more. Maybe I didn’t get it then, but I learned later that he was born, he had lived for a little while, and he had died. Knowing how the boys sometimes dumped me and went off together, I thought that if he had lived, it still would have been the three Musketeers, but I wouldn’t have been one of them. I always wanted to know more about him, and when Aunt Mary died, I finally was able to see and photograph his grave. I have a picture of me and Scott and Grant with the grave, which was something I had wanted for a while. I hope that’s not strange. I wish John had lived.

Kristin – And now Kristin. My friend, my nemesis, my cousin. So many things wrapped up into one. Kristin was littler than me, and sometimes I was okay with that, and sometimes I wasn’t. Sometimes when the three of us were playing, Grant would tell Kristin to go away and I didn’t always stop him. That wasn’t very nice of me, now was it? On the flip side, sometimes I got booted with Kristin when Grant and Scott were playing together. I was always so hurt and horrified when I got pushed out along with her. Surely you don’t mean me, guys…do you? Kristin got on my black list for a while too, after I used some of my mom’s perfume and then Kristin trotted right out to her Aunt Janice and told her. Mom didn’t do anything to me but the very idea! In her defense, she was pretty little. Kristin is the only one of my cousins who has come to visit me since we’ve been grown up old people, and she and Matt came and spent the night. I wish we could get together again like that.

Overall, I think I got along pretty well with all of my cousins. I can’t really remember any of them ever having really cross words with me, or of us having a fight. We all just got along. I looked forward to seeing all of them whenever we got together, and I missed them when it was time to go home.

I was always a little jealous because the rest of them knew each other better. The other cousins were all children of sisters, and they all lived closer to Grandma than we did, and so they got together more often. Karlene and Marissa and me, the kids of the brother, lived farther away and didn’t get to go but a couple of times a year.

They still get together more often. We do our best to go once a year, and don’t always make it. I figure it’s a lot like we are with Karlene and Marissa and I now. We get together at the drop of a hat – for birthdays, holidays, or just whatever. I figure that’s kind of how Aunt Mary and Aunt Sue and Aunt Nancy were. I wish we could have been there more often too, but it was (and still is) a four hour trip and not something to take lightly.

So that’s me and my thoughts on my relationships with my cousins. It’s really weird knowing that every single one of them who is living is on facebook and may see this. Well, maybe they won’t read it. I don’t think I’ve said anything too terrible…but it is hard to bare your soul in any capacity when you’ve spent so much time hiding behind your façade!