Out of the miry bog

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So nine days ago I made a very morose post about how I felt forsaken. I truly did feel that, and I had felt it for a few days before I posted about it. I don’t remember ever feeling that before. I don’t know why it came over me. I have tried to stay as positive as I could during all the many trials and changes that have hit us over the last few years. I think it was just that it was…so long. And I had begun to think that it would never end, this side of heaven.

The next day, I posted that suddenly I had hope again. Ben had good, hopeful news and then everything felt shiny and new again. It’s amazing how just one thing can change your whole outlook on everything.

It was a job. A developer job. An offer – contingent on passing the background check. And then Friday – the day after Belinda and my birthday – he got the official job offer. And it is unbelievable how that one thing has changed so much within me.

Now Ben has been working. I didn’t post much about it, but he currently has a job manufacturing airplane parts. He has to be at work at 5 a.m., Monday through Thursday, and he comes home sore from the work. We were thankful for the job but I know it was hard for him, and it also wasn’t a job he was passionate about. He turned in his notice on Monday. It really is a great company – just not programming.

The new job is with the state. Ben worked for the state for a very long time before the state insurance fund privatized, and he still has state retirement built up. And now he will be with the state again. And it will be working with COBOL. He works there in person for the first two weeks, and then it’s a hybrid position, working at the office and also from his home office. It sounds like a dream come true.

He’ll make less than he made before losing his job originally, but it’s more than the current job, and that should help a lot. We’ve already talked about how we can pay down any debt that we’ve incurred while we were moving through this difficult time. That feels so good to hope and plan for!

Ben also seems so much more optimistic and happy this past week. I know it’s been awfully hard on him to go through this. He was starting to think he would never work in the mainframe again. But God had other plans!

Bonus! I’ll be able to return to my doctors at SSM Health. I’ve gone to them for so long but when he got the current job the insurance they had wasn’t in network with all my doctors that I knew and trusted. So I just haven’t gone to the doctor this year.

He starts the new job on the 24th. I’m so happy.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.” Psalm 40:1-2

I am glad God is a merciful God because my patience seems like it had finally run out! He heard my cry.

Seasonal endings

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I didn’t know what to call this post. I wanted to say something about how we traveled to Alva yesterday. It was a first trip to get Belinda’s things set up at her new place. She’s going to be living an a house right by the campus this year, with two other girls. Belinda liked dorm life but she really disliked not having a stove. She was excused from the dining plan at the school last year because of medical issues, but that left her with limited ways to cook. When I was in the same dorm, we had an oven and stovetop on every floor in the lounge, but those days are done.

Anyway, we drove there and back yesterday. Lenora and Ben R were here with Mom and got Sarah to the theater for Tarzan. They also went to the show that night, and Bennett and Mia took over then. We got back home around 8, I guess. We had Taco Village while we were there.

We got Belinda’s medical bed from Ben’s parents’ storage unit and moved it into the house. Belinda is on the second floor and the stairs have a turn in them, so it was difficult to move the bed. Then it was difficult to set up the bed. Before we had Ben and Ben R and Bennett doing it. Now it was Ben and Belinda and me and there was a lot of frustration and feelings all over the place. It was not good and really colored the second half of the trip negatively. I wish things like that didn’t happen. Belinda had been saying she might stay a little bit longer before she moves and now she wants to hurry up and get moved back. That’s directly because of the tension and frustration and that’s very sad for me. Northwestern starts for the semester on the 17th.

Sarah starts her senior year at Tuttle on the 12th. I said she had to get her driver’s license this summer because I wasn’t going to drive her to and from school every day and she’d have to ride the bus otherwise, but I probably will just end up doing it, at least for a while. She will have early band practice a lot of days and she’ll need a ride for that. I sure wish she had gotten her driving in and her license wrapped up. She doesn’t seem to want it though, and doesn’t ask to go driving. And then those trips are tension filled and frustrating too, because it feels like I’m forcing her. But then the one who has to adjust life to cover it, by making sure I can drive her to and from school, is me. She’d probably agree to ride the bus sometimes if I talked to her about this. She’s really understanding and kind. But…it would have just been so much easier if we were starting this year with her in her own car. It would go a long way on this road towards independence that I’m trying to guide her on. Although, she is doing remarkably well and has really impressed me this summer with her responsibility towards band and theater.

Belinda has been my backup person this summer for driving, and now she’ll be gone. That will also be hard to navigate.

Another marker for the end of this summer is the end of the summer reading program at the library. I got a form from Belinda and filled it out and then I probably lost it. I might find it if I poke around but I don’t know. Last year I just put it on regular paper. Tuttle’s is the best summer reading program for adults because you list the books you read and you might win a prize. That’s it. I looked at the one for Newcastle and they require you to log hours, which sounds horrible. It’s hard enough to put my books on Goodreads. I do that, and then I copy them onto the Tuttle list. Or at least that’s the plan. Those are due today. I need to find the form. Bleah.

This is the final weekend for Tarzan. I said I would go tonight and record it, and I’ll do tomorrow as well unless tonight looks so great that I decide to not do the last one. That’s another sign summer is ending. The end of the summer show at the theater. I wish I was able to spend more time at the theater volunteering. I always wish that when I am there for the show and I didn’t get to help much inside the building and new people don’t know me. I like everyone there. But even if I didn’t have people to take care of, I would probably find some other reason I couldn’t be there regularly. Like my writing. I need to be writing.

That’s what I’m hoping this change of season will also bring. I’m writing this on the porch again today, listening to the sultry sounds of the cicadas and slowly looking up when I hear hummingbirds at the feeders. Two just buzzed around each other, squeaking, right by me. They both wanted the same feeder, which is interesting because I have three and they are pretty spread out. I need to dump and refill them today, I think. That might be a good project for this evening. Or maybe earlier tomorrow. It’s 10:30 already and it’s already starting to get kind of hot.

Mom has changed this season as well. She is less content to watch TV and continually comes out of her room to ask me what she should be doing, which is difficult. I am sure I could point her to all kinds of enriching things like her word finds or jigsaw puzzles or playing the piano, but it just seems like so much WORK. I remember how I would teach my children to do things like that. To find their own fun. I would help them to cook and clean knowing full well that doing these things would make things easier on me in the future as they grew. But Mom is different. She doesn’t learn and she doesn’t retain things. I have to explain the same things every day, again and again, and to me that is excruciating. I’m guessing it has something to do with the autism and adhd but surely everyone would be frustrated by it. I also have a very hard time doing things with her just watching me. That sends my nervous system into overdrive, to where it’s super stimulating and even a little painful. I do not like to be watched. I feel like I am being judged. I always feel like that. It’s not her fault, and I know I shouldn’t feel that way and it’s irrational, but my body does not understand that.

I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent like that there. I was supposed to be talking about my writing and then I went way off track. I just want to get the novel done. I want to write every day, mostly, and get it done. I want to do a little blogging as well, because I do think it’s good for my mind and my soul. And I want to make sure I do at least one newspaper article every week, which is sometimes difficult. I tend to get too involved and excited about things, and then I have to learn how to lean back. Like how I covered the historical society and then I want to do more with them. And I went to chamber meetings and city council and school board and I thought I’d just keep doing that but it started to get overwhelming with where my life is right now. That’s how it is with the theater too. And SCBWI. All the things. I just feel so tense and on edge most of the time, on the inside, even when I look calm.

My whole life has been a performance of sorts, and I don’t know how to stop that. If I’m watching TV and someone else is there, I feel like I cannot lie on the couch. I must sit up. Even when it’s family sometimes (although the ones that live in the house are usually tolerable). When someone gets home, I’ll lay down my phone. Don’t want to look like I haven’t been doing anything but looking at my phone all day. It’s like when I said I take a book to waiting rooms. It’s all about appearances, and I don’t know why that is so important to me but others don’t seem concerned. And I don’t judge them for looking at their phones in waiting rooms. So why do I feel I need to appear as close to perfect as I can, all the time? Who cares?

I guess I’m not going to get back to writing about the writing. Maybe I already wrote enough.

My hummingbirds are always backlit but I’m not sure where else to put my feeders.

Birthday!

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Yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day! This year was extra special because my family made a big effort to not have me do anything for planning. And I’ve had to plan this day since Belinda was also born on it, 19 years ago.

I remember when I was pregnant with Belinda, people would ask if I’d love it if the baby was born on my birthday and I said I would definitely not, because then it wouldn’t be “my” birthday anymore. But God had other plans!

Since that first year together I have thrown a lot of birthday parties. Family would come for the party and ask me where my cake was. Like I was going to make two cakes. We never even finish one cake. And honestly, I didn’t feel like it was my responsiblity to also make or buy my cake! I would always get some gifts, of course. But the day has been primarily Belinda’s since 2007.

This year she had her friends over on August 4, and she planned most of the fun herself. She talked Lenora into making her an ube roll cake. She borrowed chess sets from Bennett to have a chess tournament. She asked me to pay for pizza, which I gladly did. I didn’t feel good that day but I still sang and watched her blow out the candles. It was a good time.

She told me not to worry about our shared birthday, and that she would handle it. My only concern was that since she had a cake already, she wouldn’t want one on the shared birthday, but I said I would be sad if she didn’t have cake and candles that day.

So the morning of the birthday, I woke up early to take Sarah to band. When I got to the car, I saw that my broken window, which Ben had duct taped closed, had fallen farther in the heat. It was almost half way down. Temperatures have been over 100 lately.

But it was morning, it wasn’t hot yet, and I thought, “Well, I’m going to do a drive through for my breakfast.” I haven’t done anything like that since it broke a few weeks ago, so this was actually a treat! I had black duct tape hanging off it, which was a little embarrassing, but I got Sarah to the school and then ordered Sonic on my app. Junior sausage breakfast burrito with added bacon (birthday decadence) and a small order of tots. One dollar tip. I drove to Sonic and went to the drive through and gave my name. I got to the window and the girl did the very, very slightest flinch at all the duct tape but then she said nothing and neither did I. I worked at McDonalds. I know this girl has also seen many windows in disrepair and mine was not the worst she’d seen. But I got the bag and drove straight home because I didn’t buy a drink.

Ording Sonic from the parking lot at the school.

Waiting at the window!

Got inside, got my water, opened the sack…inside was a largish white sack. Odd. Maybe they were out of little tot bags and put the burrito and tots all togethr in this white sack.

Inside the sack was seven mozzarella sticks.

Birthday cheese surprise!

So I ate mozzarella sticks for breakfast! I only ate three and then put the others away and Bennett ate them when he came by for lunch. They were warm and ready and nice and I wonder who got my burrito! I rarely order mozzarella sticks because I know I can buy frozen ones way cheaper and heat them in the air fryer (although I don’t do that much anymore either) so it was a real treat to have them. Belinda noted that mozzarella sticks aren’t a breakfast item at Sonic, even though they can do them then. Lenora, Bennett, and Belinda all commented that mozzarella sticks dont even come in a seven-stick size. I was unaware my children were all so versed in the available sizes of items at Sonic. So it was a real mystery how this happened, but it wasn’t a terrible one.

I took care of Mom’s morning stuff and it wasn’t that bad, probably because I hadn’t had to do it since Sunday. It seems that when I don’t have to do it repeatedly I can handle it better, who would’ve thought.

I watered the plants and took some photos. Harvested a tomato and some strawberries and my first blackberries!

Birthday harvest.

That afternoon Belinda went to Mustang and brought home my favorite meal, an absolute treat. I still have half of it in the refrigerator, and I’m excited at having the rest of it. We watched a crime documentary, a guilty favorite for us both.

Family came over that night and Ben R and Lenora brought dinner. Lenora made me some homemade cinnamon rolls. She is a very good baker! She just started making her own rolls and this was my first time to have any. Bennett and Mia brought the chantilly cake I’d asked for months ago, from the grocery store in town. It had to be pre-ordered – a big ask for our family – but it happened! It had both Belinda and my initials on it. The second half of the ube cake was also brought out but we didn’t get more candles so Mia ended up putting all we had (15) on the chantilly cake and Belinda and I blew them out together. Krislyn and Gary and Sarah were there after rehearsal for Tarzan and we just hung out more.

Chantilly cake after I got the candles out. It was so good!

Ben wanted to get some stepping stones out of the van since we’re taking it to Alva today to move some things for Belinda, and Bennett and Ben R helped with that. Then Ben R and Mia started helping me clean out the weeds in the flowerbed! It went so fast and made me so, so happy. I feel pretty hopeful about getting the soaker hoses moved and the mulch put down and the stepping stones put in place now. Bennett got two of the weird melons that have characteristics of both cantaloupe and watermelon picked. One had a soft spot and another one had cracked. I’d noticed them that morning. I thought good, we’ll figure out what these are. There’s still five left. They were supposed to be Orange Crisp watermelons.

Final hope that it might not be a cantaloupe...

CANTALOUPE! Womp-womp.

So athough these melons are bigger than cantaloupe and are not ripe yet even though they’ve been here long enough to be done if they’re cantaloupe, they are indeed cantaloupe on the inside, or something very like it. I tasted a bit and it was quite cantaloupe-y. I don’t care for cantaloupe and I have been growing seven of them in my front flowerbed!

These were a bit underripe, according to Ben R, who likes cantaloupe, so these went to the chickens, who I’m sure were delighted to find them this morning. I have reduced watering efforts on the rest of the vine, so hopefully the other five don’t split. All my early-summer watermelon dreams are now pinned to a single sugar baby melon on the other side of the flowerbed. We shall see.

So everyone left, I put the cake in the fridge, I loaded the dishwasher and watched a youtube podcast and then went to bed. A very good birthday. I really don’t know when I have had a more satisfying birthday.

This morning I got up and watered everything and then thought I could totally sit on the porch and type everything out. The hummingbirds have been coming and getting nectar and this one that makes little squeaking noises when he drinks honestly came up about two feet away from my face and studied me, just hovering there, and it was awesome. I have seen two at the same time, but I think there are probably more. They are even drinking most of the nectar before I have to refill because it gets old. I just watched another one come and drink from the vincas and then from a cucumber flower. That’s really nice. I’m glad I saw it. I haven’t seen any ruby throated ones, just the more plain ones, but they are very neat. It seemed like we had hardly any for so long, and now there are more. I’m guessing these are babies that have grown up here this summer.

When I came down to the kitchen this morning to take care of the dishes, there was a big cat vomit on the kitchen floor and while I was in there Rosemary created two more gross puddles. I emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it, restarted it, did the hand wash dishes, and ignored the cat vomits! It’s not my birthday anymore but I’m just going to sit here and watch hummingbirds and listen to the wind chimes a little bit more before the rest of the day gets going. Cat barfies can wait!

Number 40

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So it looks like the last time I did any of these was number 39. That was in 2017! My memory sure was a lot better then. I’m glad I did the ones I did because I read back on some of them and was surprised at what I had forgotten. Hopefully I have a few more memories in the hopper.

40. What did you do to amuse yourself as a child when you had to wait for a long time? (for instance, at the doctor’s or dentist’s office)

This is not a great journal topic. I can see why I delayed it way back then. Because like…what do you say? Um…I would have a book. Or I would read Highlights magazines. Or barring that, like whatever magazine they had. Vogue. Women’s Day. Men’s Health. Whatever. Magazines were the back of the shampoo bottles during a shower equivalent of appointments.

I do know that I did not like it when some previously unknown person had circled the Hidden Pictures or the What’s Wrong page on the back. I did not ever do that. I didn’t even do it in my own Highlights magazines. We had a subscription and I did not touch it with a pen or pencil. As if. Marissa did a few times and that really annoyed me. The magazine must remain pure and untouched so you can play it again and again. Not used up and discarded. I had a nice big stack of Highlights magazines in my room because I didn’t throw them away.

When I went to Dr. Huey’s office when I was a little girl, they had a carpet that had all these lined patterns on it and I would imagine them as highways and imagine a little car driving around on them. This what what I had to do if I was called back to the exam room (to wait more, of course) and I had not taken my magazine with me. I didn’t think we were allowed to take the magazines to the exam rooms. I have always been very concerned with what was the correct thing to do. I now realize that I could have taken the magazine and saved myself the grief of imagining a little car on the little highway (which was, admittedly, very dull).

What else did I do? We did used to have to wait so long and not be entertained, didn’t we? Well, I would bite my fingernails and then move the bit off nail around in my mouth and poke myself in the tongue with the sharp end; I would look at the ceiling and find patterns to create images in the popcorns or on the gray parts of those old foam ceiling tiles everyone used to have; I would examine brochures for credit cards or for health issues; I would roll up my jeans and then roll them back down, experimenting with different looks; I would reach in my pocket and find a little ball of denim lint and then chew on that; I would pull one hair out and then wrap it around my finger and watch my fingertip get purplish; I would drag my feet across the carpet, turning some of it one way and some of it another way, making lines into a pattern or a drawing; I would pull the Highlights subscription card out of the magazine and make it into an airplane, a blow-up origami box, or if I was lucky enough to have a pencil or pen, I could draw on it or write poetry.

Who needs a cell phone when you have all that?

I keep thinking I need to keep the cell phone down and just let my mind wander and do these kinds of things again. It was boring, but it wasn’t that bad. I’ve gotten better about bringing a book to appointments, just so I can read instead of look at my phone, but I should probably just people watch sometimes. Examine my surroundings. That sort of thing. I mostly bring the book because I don’t like the idea of all of us collectively staring into cell phones and I want to appear more intellectual than that or something. I’m not completely sure, but it must be one facet of how I want to present myself to others, because I would probably rather be scrolling X or playing Candy Crush unless it’s a really, really good book. I also want to keep my brain from completely melting into a pile of gray goop, so that’s part of it. I don’t know. I do a lot of things that I’m not completely sure about, or why I do them. Probably more of what I think is “correct,” like not taking the magazine to the waiting room. I have always just wanted to present as normal, I suppose.

ONE HUNDRED TOPIC ARCHIVE

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I’m going to try to finish the 100 journal entries project. I tried to go back to the original site I found these at (an old angelfire site) but it wasn’t working. Thank you Wayback Machine! I’m going to just put them here so I have them to refer to. Here’s the whole page. All Credit to Jean Davis on NCTE-Talk. Angelfire site was http://www.angelfire.com/ok/freshenglish/journaltopics.html.

Journal Topics
One Hundred Topics for Personal Essays
Provided by Jean Davis on NCTE-Talk

1. Did you ever stick up for someone?
2. Describe your neighborhood bully.
3. Did you ever hitchhike?
4. Did you have a paper route?
5. Write about a babysitting experience.
6. Describe a great fort you built or a great game you played as a child.
7. Write about an enemy who eventually became your friend.
8. Did you ever fall through ice?
9. Write about a time you cheated and were caught.
10. Write about a privilege you earned.
11. How did you get along with your cousins?
12. Write about the stray animals you brought home.
13. Describe an event that made you realize you were growing up.
14. Did you ever send away for something that turned out to be a disappointment?
15. Did you ever prove yourself to someone older?
16. What was it like to go shopping with your grandma? mom? dad? friends?
17. Write about a time you performed in front of an audience.
18. Write about a difficult decision you had to make.
19. Write about a time you found out something about yourself.
20. What did you do last summer? What did you do the summer you were ten?
21. Write about learning to skate, to ride a bike, to climb a tree, or to turn a cartwheel.
22. Describe learning to drive.
23. Did you ever get lost in a strange town?
24. Were you ever locked in or out?
25. Did you ever witness a birth?
26. Write about getting fired or quitting.
27. What was it like to spend your first night away from home?
28. What was it like to come back home after a long vacation?
29. Write about a disappointment.
30. Write about something minor that turned into a big deal.
31. Write about something that flopped.
32. Write about a time you had to communicate with someone you couldn’t understand.
33. Did you ever win or lose a contest?
34. Write about something you desperately wanted as a kid.
35. Did you ever see a ghost?
36. Did you ever run away from home? How far did you get?
37. Write about the best attic or basement you’ve ever been in.
38. Did you ever know someone who had “everything”?
39. Write about a time as a child when you played in one of the following: a treehouse, a cornfield, a construction site, a junkyard, an abandoned house or barn, a stream, a cemetery, a pasture, railroad tracks.
40. What did you do to amuse yourself as a child when you had to wait for a long time? (for instance, at the doctor’s or dentist’s office)
41. Did your mom or dad ever make you wear something you hated?
42. What was the earliest you ever got up in the morning? the latest you ever stayed up?
43. Write about a time you were talked into something and regretted it.
44. Were you ever in a helicopter, limousine, race car, hot-air balloon, submarine, or horse-drawn carriage?
45. Did you ever forget something extremely important?
46. Write about an experience in a hospital.
47. Were you ever accused of something you didn’t do?
48. Write about a disastrous trip or vacation.
49. Were you ever give a responsibility you couldn’t handle?
50. Were you ever in a fire, flood, tornado, or hurricane?
51. Did you ever have a secret language?
52. Write about becoming disillusioned with someone you admired or respected.
53. Describe the best concert you ever attended.
54. What was the best nickname you ever made up for a friend?
55. Did you ever become friends with someone much younger or much older than you?
56. Did you ever make friends with a wild animal?
57. Write about a window you broke or something valuable you lost.
58. Did you ever climb onto the roof when your parents weren’t home?
59. Did you ever save someone from getting hurt?
60. Did anyone ever save you from getting hurt?
61. Did you ever catch fireflies? crickets? frogs? snakes?
62. Write about a time when you tried to help and ended up making things worse.
63. Did you ever break an important promise?
64. Write about moving to another town or city.
65. Describe an outdoor game you used to play in the summertime.
66. Write about picking apples or berries.
67. Write about building sandcastles or mudpies.
68. Did you ever meet a famous person?
69. Describe a club you organized or belonged to as a kid.
70. Writing about mowing the lawn, burning leaves, or weeding the garden.
71. Describe a car or bicycle accident you were in.
72. Write about being a misfit.
73. Write about a day spent in another country.
74. Write about a terrifying nightmare.
75. Was there a haunted house in your neighborhood?
76. Write about a time you outsmarted someone.
77. Write about a time you had to wait for something you wanted.
78. What was it like to get glasses or braces?
79. Write about being friends with your brother or sister.
80. Write about going shopping for new clothes.
81. Did you ever try to be something you really weren’t?
82. What kind of adventures did you have in the bathtub?
83. Write about job hunting.
84. Write about wearing high heels or neckties for the first time.
85. How did you find out the truth about Santa Claus?
86. Write about seeing the ocean or the mountains for the first time.
87. Have you ever had a broken bone?
88. Write about being in Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, 4-H, or some other organization.
89. Did you ever turn someone in or tell on someone and feel bad about it later?
90. Write about going back to school after summer vacation.
91. Describe your playground or vacant lot.
92. Write about a time your parents embarrassed you.
93. Describe learning something from a friend.
94. Describe teaching something to a friend.
95. Have you ever taken a long trip alone?
96. Write about a book or a movie that made a strong impression on you.
97. Write about a time when you gave someone good advice.
98. Describe the best time you ever had in your life.
99. Write about the funniest thing that ever happened to you.
100. Write about a time you embarrassed your parents.

Forsaken

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Yesterday I had a thought that I haven’t before. I feel forsaken.

Even if my rational mind does not believe that is true, it’s how I feel. It hit when I was in my car, Christian radio on, and someone was singing about God always being their shelter and their rock and always being there for them and I realized that although I can rationally know that is true, I am not feeling it. I feel forsaken. I have smiled and praised and been thankful and grateful for so long, through so many trials. But I did have hope that the trials would someday end and there would be joy in the morning.

My hope is ebbing away. I believe in the joy of life after death, but I am losing hope that there will be any sort of turnaround in my life before that point.

I know I have it good. My family loves me. I have a safe house. I have my little garden. I have my pets. My work I do.

And yet, the word forsaken still resonates me with more strongly than any other. I am not angry or even really sad. I am quiet. Introspective. I am still rolling this word around on my tongue and tasting how it feels to me. Forsaken.

At this time, in this moment, in this season, it feels right.

End of July

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Things are a little better. I’ve been praying more and I turned the dial off of local oldies and back to Christian radio; maybe that’s part of it. I was pretty much dreading this week but it’s okay. I’m just tired.

I’ve been in the car SO MUCH and it’s so freaking hot, ha ha. My window doesn’t roll down at the moment but Ben did a great job taping it up. The only bummer is that it’s difficult to drive through anywhere, so I don’t, and that greatly reduces quick stops for a nice cold drink or frozen treat. Cause getting out is such a bummer.

Anyway, I had to drive Sarah to and from band each day. I’ve been giving Bennett rides to work, but there is some forward momentum on his car getting fixed, hooray! I also have to drive Sarah to and from the theater each day. I sure wish she had her drivers’ license. It’s difficult to get her enough driving hours. But I also have some help coming on that, so hopefully that works out soon. I would really rather her be able to drive herself to the little places she has to go in town!

Then Mom had to go to the dentist. I took her on Monday. And her caregiver couldn’t come on Monday. So after getting Sarah to band, I got mom changed and got her meds and got her breakfast and then took her all the way to Oklahoma City (a whole hour to her dentist, bleah) and got in the parking garage and got a ticket from the machine (had to open my door and get out, fun) then we walked from the garage to the building and it was soooo hot. She kept saying she couldn’t make it and I was like, “Well, you have to, you can’t just sit down on the ground,” and we made it. Got directions from the front desk, took the elevator upstairs, got to the clinic, and THE APPOINTMENT WAS ON WEDNESDAY.

Back down the elevator, back across the desert plains, back to the parking garage, back to the car, got to the attendant and had to open the door again, hilarious, and drove back to Tuttle. We stopped and got Sarah from band. We did not get a cold drink or ice cream because there was no way with the broken window. Then Sarah had theater and I had to work on my stories for the paper but anyway.

I wrote newspaper stuff on Tuesday and then on Wednesday the caregiver came and I got Sarah to band, Bennett to work, and Krislyn and I went to a theater meeting. That went well. As soon as I got back I got Mom in the car and we repeated Monday. But this time Karlene had told me about the shuttle system and so we got to do the shuttle from the parking garage, which helped greatly, and of course, her appointment actually happened. I read in the waiting room. Mom’s hygenist is Leah and she is really nice.

So yeah. Then today I got the program done for the theater and they look good. Got all the driving the people all the places done. Sent an email to someone for another story for the paper.

I’m still not writing on my novel. That’s what I really feel like I should be doing. But other than that, it’s okay for now.

I finished Dungeon Crawler Carl book 8. Now I’m reading Six of Crows. It’s the favorite book of someone I love, so I’m glad I’m getting time to read it. I’d like to do the audiobooks of the Dungeon Crawler Carl series soon.

I miss doing things at the theater, but I know I just can’t do that right now. I miss my SCBWI meetings and friends, but I guess it’s not the season for that either. I keep going back and forth. Keep fighting the waves and try to keep writing? Or just let go and drift for now – maybe forever? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

My garden looks nice. One cucumber plant died. But I spilled some birdseed a while back and there’s a big sunflower now. Also what I’m guessing is millet? So that’s interesting.

I’ve eaten watermelon every day for like the past five days. And a lot of Oklahoma peaches. So I realy don’t see how things could be that terrible. Would I still like to let go of some of the things I do? Yes. Would I still like to rest just a bit more? Yes. But it’s okay. Today it is okay.

I am thankful. And I am tired.

Midsummer

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We are deep into summer. It’s over a hundred degrees outside most days. Ben bought a new window air conditioner. It’s nice. Mom dislikes it because she says it’s too cold. She keeps her door shut. But the two days we had no air conditioning she decided she preferred to have it. Of course, she doesn’t remember that now.

Belinda has finished summer school. She ended up with an A in her psych class, which she loved, and a B in her personal finance class, which she detested. She is trying to do extra credit to bring the B up. I’m glad she doesn’t get too worked up about that kind of thing anymore. She is at her job at the Tuttle Library right now. She has really enjoyed working there this summer. They are having a dinosaur tea party today as part of the summer reading program and she made the cutest cupcakes to take along. She hid them in her room last night so no one would find them and eat them!

Sarah will be at band camp from 8 to 4 every day next week. It’s going to be a long, hot week. I know she’ll enjoy it though. She likes band now and is proud of the part that she plays in it. She will also be in the musical Tarzan next weekend and the one after. She has really been getting into that as well. It’s good.

Ben had an interview for a job that’s actually in COBOL this week, and they requested a second interview. I don’t think it would pay much more than what he is making now, but at least it would be something that he really enjoys doing, and that he’s trained for and confident in. I’m happy for him. Plus the hours would be a little more regular.

Mom has gotten a bit worse. We had a pretty good system where she was okay watching TV most of the day and I’d do the things I needed to do. After this latest slip down, she gets confused by the shows and wants me to come in her room again and again to reassure her that it is correct. She doesn’t believe me. Like she watches the Lone Ranger and if he’s not on the screen for a minute or two, she gets upset because it’s the wrong show. She also feels like she should be doing something. She keeps coming to me and asking what she needs to be doing. I can barely keep myself together right now, so I can’t imagine giving her little chores or hobbies to keep her occupied. So I usually get her a snack and put her in front of the TV again, so I can keep working on whatever I’m trying to do.

The last person in this house is me. I am not doing well. I am doing very bad, matter of fact. I cannot keep existing like this. I can’t even describe what the problem is. It’s a million tiny paper cuts bleeding me dry. Mom’s needs. Sarah needing rides and direction. Belinda’s medical issues and support needs. I don’t even want to say any more because this is personal stuff for people I love but the gist of it is, I’ve spent my whole life helping others and serving others and I was very, very good at it. I was super busy but I was good at it. And now I am overwhelmed. I’ve read quite a bit about autistic overwhelm and burnout and I’m sure that’s what I’m in and I have been for a while. So I try to pull back and then start again but each time I restart, my window for being able to work properly seems to be getting smaller and smaller. One thing I read was that many high-functioning adhd/autistic women who are undiagnosed only discover their neurodivergence when they are in perimenopause. This happens because they have been able to handle everything and then suddenly they cannot anymore. I’ve wondered if the brain fog is from a medication, or long covid, and it may be, but I do think that it is also coupled with perimenopause and it is just beyond what I feel I can bear. Like I know God is with me through this but I am drawning. Absolutely drowning. And even when I tell my loved ones, I feel like they are sorry but they have their own problems and can’t help me.

I am looking for a second caregiver to come in. We all like the lady Mom has now but I need more than that. I also need Sarah to get her drivers license because taking her places is also just too much. And that sounds ridiculous. How could that be too much? But when it is added on to everything else it just is. I keep trying to find escape hatches or solves, and I haven’t found anything. I know I am an intelligent person, but the solution to this trap I’ve built for myself eludes me.

I am not at peace. I am a very, very long way from being at peace. Yes, there are moments of joy, but my entire system feels like it is full of static and disease. I love my family and I want to do things for them. It’s how I show my love to them. But it’s also how I feel love and the well feels so dry, right when I need more. A lot more.

I can fake it. I keep trying to fake it. I keep praying and deciding that I am thankful for all of this, and I get up and work and clean and serve and do but I’m still not writing. And that’s what my heart yearns for. But it seems like no one around me really cares that I cannot seem to do it in this state.

It was easier when Ben couldn’t find work. At least then I could get medical care. Finances are also bad. I’m getting to the point where I’m going to have to decide which medications are the most important for me, and which ones I can just cross my fingers on. I write my newspaper stories to help a little. But newspaper stories don’t pay for $1200 electric bills (hopefully the new a/c unit will help with that one next month). I also can’t get my brain to comply enough to do the other at-home job I’ve been working on. It takes real focus, and I just don’t have it.

I don’t want to be the person who plans things anymore. I don’t want to be the person who runs things anymore. I don’t want to be the person who thinks about things anymore. You know what I want?

I would like to have a nice quiet place where the temperature was nice and no one needed anything from me and I could work on my novel and read, and have my little garden (my porch garden has been a bright spot this summer), and write letters and cards to friends and loved ones, and just decompress and breathe and get back to where I can feel balance and peace and the beautiful presence of God in my every moment.

I’m not going to hurt myself, I need to make that very clear. But I do feel like when it is my time to pass away, it will be a great relief to be away from all of this.

I probably shouldn’t post this but I am going to anyway. Call it a cry for help. Maybe I’ll go back and make it private later.

Ice Cream Festival

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Wow, the Arts Council of Tuttle hosted the Tuttle Ice Cream Festival on July 4. This is an event that was held in Tuttle from 1992 until 2018 and then it stopped. The chamber started it and the city took over at some point and then ended it after the 2018 year. Then the downtown businesses had an Downtown Ice Cream Social in 2023.

So Bennett asked the council if we would try to host it because he loved it as a kid and he wanted today’s kids to experience that too. We said sure, we can look at that for 2027, and then he reminded us that this was the 250th anniversary of the nation and so we just went ahead and did it. We did it in two months.

It was smaller than before, but we had the event, like 25 vendors, food trucks, Braum’s ice cream, games, entertainment, ice cream eating contests, parade, and the Ice Cream Princess pageant. It was a great way to restart things. We’re planning to do it again next year!

Anyway, that’s been taking up a lot of my time, and I’d guess I will need some recovery time too.

Oh, and I don’t think I mentioned earlier that Rena left the Deborah Harris Agency and went to another agency and only kept some of her clients and I was not one of them!