I didn’t know what to call this post. I wanted to say something about how we traveled to Alva yesterday. It was a first trip to get Belinda’s things set up at her new place. She’s going to be living an a house right by the campus this year, with two other girls. Belinda liked dorm life but she really disliked not having a stove. She was excused from the dining plan at the school last year because of medical issues, but that left her with limited ways to cook. When I was in the same dorm, we had an oven and stovetop on every floor in the lounge, but those days are done.

Anyway, we drove there and back yesterday. Lenora and Ben R were here with Mom and got Sarah to the theater for Tarzan. They also went to the show that night, and Bennett and Mia took over then. We got back home around 8, I guess. We had Taco Village while we were there.

We got Belinda’s medical bed from Ben’s parents’ storage unit and moved it into the house. Belinda is on the second floor and the stairs have a turn in them, so it was difficult to move the bed. Then it was difficult to set up the bed. Before we had Ben and Ben R and Bennett doing it. Now it was Ben and Belinda and me and there was a lot of frustration and feelings all over the place. It was not good and really colored the second half of the trip negatively. I wish things like that didn’t happen. Belinda had been saying she might stay a little bit longer before she moves and now she wants to hurry up and get moved back. That’s directly because of the tension and frustration and that’s very sad for me. Northwestern starts for the semester on the 17th.

Sarah starts her senior year at Tuttle on the 12th. I said she had to get her driver’s license this summer because I wasn’t going to drive her to and from school every day and she’d have to ride the bus otherwise, but I probably will just end up doing it, at least for a while. She will have early band practice a lot of days and she’ll need a ride for that. I sure wish she had gotten her driving in and her license wrapped up. She doesn’t seem to want it though, and doesn’t ask to go driving. And then those trips are tension filled and frustrating too, because it feels like I’m forcing her. But then the one who has to adjust life to cover it, by making sure I can drive her to and from school, is me. She’d probably agree to ride the bus sometimes if I talked to her about this. She’s really understanding and kind. But…it would have just been so much easier if we were starting this year with her in her own car. It would go a long way on this road towards independence that I’m trying to guide her on. Although, she is doing remarkably well and has really impressed me this summer with her responsibility towards band and theater.

Belinda has been my backup person this summer for driving, and now she’ll be gone. That will also be hard to navigate.

Another marker for the end of this summer is the end of the summer reading program at the library. I got a form from Belinda and filled it out and then I probably lost it. I might find it if I poke around but I don’t know. Last year I just put it on regular paper. Tuttle’s is the best summer reading program for adults because you list the books you read and you might win a prize. That’s it. I looked at the one for Newcastle and they require you to log hours, which sounds horrible. It’s hard enough to put my books on Goodreads. I do that, and then I copy them onto the Tuttle list. Or at least that’s the plan. Those are due today. I need to find the form. Bleah.

This is the final weekend for Tarzan. I said I would go tonight and record it, and I’ll do tomorrow as well unless tonight looks so great that I decide to not do the last one. That’s another sign summer is ending. The end of the summer show at the theater. I wish I was able to spend more time at the theater volunteering. I always wish that when I am there for the show and I didn’t get to help much inside the building and new people don’t know me. I like everyone there. But even if I didn’t have people to take care of, I would probably find some other reason I couldn’t be there regularly. Like my writing. I need to be writing.

That’s what I’m hoping this change of season will also bring. I’m writing this on the porch again today, listening to the sultry sounds of the cicadas and slowly looking up when I hear hummingbirds at the feeders. Two just buzzed around each other, squeaking, right by me. They both wanted the same feeder, which is interesting because I have three and they are pretty spread out. I need to dump and refill them today, I think. That might be a good project for this evening. Or maybe earlier tomorrow. It’s 10:30 already and it’s already starting to get kind of hot.

Mom has changed this season as well. She is less content to watch TV and continually comes out of her room to ask me what she should be doing, which is difficult. I am sure I could point her to all kinds of enriching things like her word finds or jigsaw puzzles or playing the piano, but it just seems like so much WORK. I remember how I would teach my children to do things like that. To find their own fun. I would help them to cook and clean knowing full well that doing these things would make things easier on me in the future as they grew. But Mom is different. She doesn’t learn and she doesn’t retain things. I have to explain the same things every day, again and again, and to me that is excruciating. I’m guessing it has something to do with the autism and adhd but surely everyone would be frustrated by it. I also have a very hard time doing things with her just watching me. That sends my nervous system into overdrive, to where it’s super stimulating and even a little painful. I do not like to be watched. I feel like I am being judged. I always feel like that. It’s not her fault, and I know I shouldn’t feel that way and it’s irrational, but my body does not understand that.

I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent like that there. I was supposed to be talking about my writing and then I went way off track. I just want to get the novel done. I want to write every day, mostly, and get it done. I want to do a little blogging as well, because I do think it’s good for my mind and my soul. And I want to make sure I do at least one newspaper article every week, which is sometimes difficult. I tend to get too involved and excited about things, and then I have to learn how to lean back. Like how I covered the historical society and then I want to do more with them. And I went to chamber meetings and city council and school board and I thought I’d just keep doing that but it started to get overwhelming with where my life is right now. That’s how it is with the theater too. And SCBWI. All the things. I just feel so tense and on edge most of the time, on the inside, even when I look calm.

My whole life has been a performance of sorts, and I don’t know how to stop that. If I’m watching TV and someone else is there, I feel like I cannot lie on the couch. I must sit up. Even when it’s family sometimes (although the ones that live in the house are usually tolerable). When someone gets home, I’ll lay down my phone. Don’t want to look like I haven’t been doing anything but looking at my phone all day. It’s like when I said I take a book to waiting rooms. It’s all about appearances, and I don’t know why that is so important to me but others don’t seem concerned. And I don’t judge them for looking at their phones in waiting rooms. So why do I feel I need to appear as close to perfect as I can, all the time? Who cares?

I guess I’m not going to get back to writing about the writing. Maybe I already wrote enough.

My hummingbirds are always backlit but I’m not sure where else to put my feeders.