Category Archives: Sarah

Dance and dorms

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Sarah’s dance recital was on Saturday and she did such a good job! We were all really proud of her. She was right on the beat the whole time, and she didn’t look off stage at the teacher. Girl has got a great sense of rhythm.

The next day we all piled in the car at like 6 am (not Mom, we got help) to get Belinda moved out of the dorms. That look a long time and it was raining some of the time. One thing we had to do was move the medical bed out of the dorm and that was a project. Luckily I remembered her grandparents still had a storage unit in Alva, and they said they did have enough room to store her twin bed for the summer. I am so glad we didn’t have to bring that home! We would have had to take the truck too, and then it would have gotten rained on. Or we would have had to borrow a trailer. After that, we had to pack all her stuff up because she hadn’t packed very much. I got boxes and tape and paper from Walmart and we boxed it all up and got her moved out just at the deadline!

We stopped at Chili’s in Enid on the way back and I got treated to dinner for Mother’s Day. That was very nice and I keep smiling about it.

It’s been good having her home. Her stuff is everywhere and it’s about to drive me crazy.

Today Sarah’s going to go for her food aversion therapy session. I’m very interested to see what that is going to be like.

General thoughts

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I have been having a more difficult time as of late. It is interesting to see that, after so much time feeling very collected and peaceful, I have finally hit a snag.

Mom is getting worse. The dementia has reached a level that is very hard for me to handle. I am not sure how to make this work and keep my peace and my own sanity. The stress of it is making me less patient with others as well. Today Mom was asking me questions and Sarah was also upset with me about something and it was just so much that I started wrenching the lid on the jar of peanuts I was holding. I felt like I needed to hit myself to stop the energy dashing all over inside of me and regain control. But I did not, and I’m proud of myself. I am so thankful for Ben, who saw my distress and handled it for me. I fled to the porch and then to the yard, to a chair I have put in a corner where I can hopefully just be alone and rest. I did feel God’s peace and love after a bit, and I was quietly singing It is Well with My Soul, but I still felt that energy zapping inside of me. It is really a struggle to deal with that.

I finally came back inside but I am still by myself. I read some of the book I’m trying to get through, Worlds in Collision by Immanuel Velikowsky. It’s interesting but it is DENSE. I can still feel that energy. it’s not a good energy. It’s a wild energy and it makes me feel dreadful. I probably sound crazy talking about it, but it really is difficult to describe. This is the best I can do right now.

Tomorrow I am going as a chaperone for the school band trip to Dallas. I felt like Sarah would need more support since she doesn’t really have friends in the band. I am not sure what all will be involved but I know it’s not just party time for me; I really have to watch and help, and that will not be easy. When I dropped her off at school today I told her I was looking forward to tomorrow and also dreading it. She said, “Me too,” and that helps some. We are two birds of a feather in a lot of ways.

I opened some windows today because the house felt stuffy and smelly. I’m in a room with an open window now and there is just the loudest frog outside! I went to the window and tried to see it, and then it was very quiet because it’s so close. I stood still and it trilled again and it was so noisy! I am glad it’s so happy out there. I love frogs. Or toads. Whatever they are here. They are wonderful.

I hope Ben remembers to take care of everybody here while I’m gone.

I am also planning to go to the SCBWI Oklahoma-Arkansas spring conference in Tulsa next weekend! I almost didn’t. But I finally realized that I really did want to. So I am.

I am thankful, still. I need to remember that. And I need to pray more!

A heartwarming interaction from the year

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Well, it’s the last day of the year. I have this prompt and one more, and I will have completed “December Journaling if you Feel Like You Haven’t Accomplished Much This Year.” This, the penultimate entry, is A Heartwarming Interaction From the Year.

It’s hard to say. I’ve had heartwarming interactions with many members of my family this year. The first one that comes to mind is when I went to see Sarah after her first band competition, and when I walked up she was so excited and happy, and she hugged me sooo tightly and thanked me for making her do band! That was such a great moment.

How wonderful it is to feel loved and appreciated!

Identify five of your favorite conversations from this year

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I thought these couldn’t get any worse but here we are.

“December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” has done me dirty once again with this one.

Identify five of your favorite conversations from this year.

I do not know how I am going to even begin to think of favorite conversations. I am starting to doubt the authority of the person who created this. What credentials entitled them to create this calendar and take over my life for a month?

Anyway…I don’t know. I have a lot of fun conversations but not a lot of deep conversations, you get me? I love texting and emailing, so I can go back and see things again. I don’t remember a lot of day to day stuff. Does anyone?

We have had such a year. The last 12 months have been such a roller coaster with so many huge life changes. I do know that some of my favorite times this year have been with family, especially when the whole family comes over and does something together, like play trivial pursuit or another game. Also when we do things like the medallion hunt or go for walks or watch a movie. These are my favorite times. I also am really happy when Belinda comes home for the weekend, and when Bennett comes for lunch because Mia is at work, so I get to spoil him with his comfort foods. It was also wonderful when Lenora and Ben R were in the apartment and I got to watch podcasts with her. And when Sarah is so happy to see me after school! And when Karlene and I went to all the football games together, and then we got to see them win state together! These were very good times.

So instead of conversations, which are only words, I’m going to choose to remember the feelings that I had those times, and all the joy they brought me. I love my family so very much.

Catch-up

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Well I got very behind on my December journaling. But now Belinda has had her procedure, we are up on the ninth floor of the Washington Plaza Hotel, and I thought I could at least attempt to do this thing again. My last day to do the journaling calendar was Dec. 10 and now it’s Dec. 16, which honestly isn’t as bad as I thought it was. So.

Day 11: List as many places you went as you can think of, no matter how close or far.

I actually went quite a few places this year. Thinking, however is generally more difficult. I remember going to Branson with Krislyn, Karlene, and Belinda because Krislyn was invited to come dance there. That was very cool. Most of the family went to Milburn to have a remembrance service for Sarah’s stepmom. And Karlene and I went to several away football games to support Sarah in the band. Then to Alva several times, and now Belinda and I are in Washington DC. I’m going to go back and look at my facebook and see what I forgot.

A fire truck is going through traffic circle that our room overlooks and it was so loud that I got up and looked!

Anyway, back to the travels. In January, it wasn’t really a trip but I did go to Yukon several times as Bennett got married to Mia. It wasn’t a trip but it was so very important!

In March we went to Roman Nose State Park in Watonga and hiked and geocached. It was just one day during spring break but was horrible and also fun.

Alva in April. Krislyn and I also walked 10.4 miles in one day on the OKC trails. That definitely counts as somewhere I went.

We went to Lindsay quite a bit, which felt like traveling because it was a long way. Belinda’s co-op met there and I might have opted out if it hadn’t been senior year. I’m glad we did it! I love all those people. Also, I got to visit that non-grocery-store-Walmart and that was nice and nostalgic.

June was when we went to Branson! We also went to see David at Sight and Sound Theatre and played dinosaur mini golf. It was an extremely good time.

Ben and Belinda and I went to Gatlinburg, Tenn. in June for Belinda’s last dance nationals. It was difficult and we used credit cards to make it happen, but I couldn’t bear to not let Belinda do her last year of competition. We did make a lot of good memories. We walked a lot, went to Ripley’s Believe it or Not and the Ripley Aquarium, played mini golf, visited the Great Smoky Mountains State Park, went to the Gatlinburg library, and did other fun stuff along with dancing. That was a really good time. I never posted on facebook about it because I was waiting for the professional pics and when they came I still didn’t get around to doing it. Maybe I’ll make a post soon about it. I really should.

We were back in Alva a few times in August, to get Belinda’s adjustable bed moved in properly and also to drop her off at the dorms.

Karlene and I started going to away games for football in September. We went to Noble and ate at Kendall’s for the first time. We also went to Deer Creek and Yukon to watch band competitions and we went to Alva again, for Family Day.

October was Milburn, and we also went to band competitions in Edmond and Elgin. Karlene and I went to football games in Tecumseh and also Madill (we stayed the night there at a weird motel). Homecoming at Alva was also in October. We came in second in the medallion hunt!

And now it’s December and Belinda and I are in DC. We are here for two more nights and we are happy to be here but also really want to be at home.

So that was very very long to be part one of FIVE in a catch-up post. And I also wanted to write about how the procedure went today. Maybe I’ll just do one more.

Day Twelve: Milestones, traditions, and events you celebrated.

Bennett and Mia got married.
Belinda graduated from high school.
Belinda started college.
Lenora and Ben had their one-year anniversary.
Sarah came to live with us!
We celebrated Easter and Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I’m sure a few others, as we always tend to do.
And the Tuttle Tigers won state and Karlene and I were there screaming in the stands and freezing our hind ends off! That was cool.

Day Thirteen: People you had dinner with.

Well, that’s odd. Ben. Lenora. Ben R. Bennett. Mia. Belinda. Sarah. Mom. Karlene. Krislyn. Kevin. Gary. Will. I know I ate lunch with Rachel once. We hosted the wedding rehearsal dinner with pizza and big salads, so we did eat with everyone who was in the wedding party. We had Adam over for lunch once. I think the church lunch thing fizzled out sometime in the spring, but before that we had many of the kids’ friends. Those were fun times.

Day Fourteen: Recount the first three memories that come into your head from the year.

Hmm. Branson. Bennett and Mia’s wedding. Belinda going to college.

Day Fifteen: Describe an ordinary day from the year and what about it you enjoyed.

I’m not sure what days I remember that were ordinary. I tend to remember the things that are memorable. And what makes a day extraordinary? One day the kids came over and worked in the yard and I wasn’t there and when I came back the sidewalk was really edged and when the sidewalk is edged it makes me feel super happy. I think about that every time I walk up the sidewalk and I feel very loved.

Day Sixteen: Identify five of your favorite photos from the year on your phone.

That is a lot of photos. I take a lot of photos. I guess I will look at the ones I tagged favorites.

That didn’t take as long as I thought it would.

One week to go

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A week from today will be Monday, Dec. 15, and Belinda and I will be traveling to Washington DC again for another follow up procedure. Her pediatric surgeons will be doing an endoscopy and will probably also do some dilation or other tweaks to the surgery, based on what they see in there. That will be on Dec. 16.

I am looking forward to seeing Dr. Kane and Dr. Petrosyan again. They are both so kind and they care so much about their patients. It is amazing to see how committed they are to helping kids with pediatric achalasia! I am glad that even though she is 18 now, she can continue to be their patient for the time being. This is the very best course of action to prevent end-stage achalasia and esophagectomy.

The spellchecker on wordpress has alerted me that esophagectomy may not be a word, but unfortunately it is. Anyway, that is the surgical removal of the esophagus. If things go as we’re hoping and praying, she will never get to that point. Please keep this in your prayers!

The surgery was originally planned for Dec. 17, but they needed to change it because of some kind of work being done on their surgical suites. So instead of us leaving on the 16th, we’ll leave on the 15th. The worst part about that is that we will be missing Sarah’s first band concert, and I really wanted to be there to support her. I’m going to try to facetime, but of course that isn’t the same. I’ve asked the rest of the family to do their best to go, which I think will make up somewhat for me not being there, but she does really want me to be at her activities first and foremost and I want to do that for her! I know she will understand that this couldn’t be fixed, but I hope that she doesn’t have a part of her mind telling her that I chose Belinda over her. It’s difficult because she has had so much loss and disappointments in her life. I just literally got an idea while typing this – maybe the band director would let me sit in class the day before, so I could listen to it live that way! I think he might. I’ll ask him about that (if Sarah wants me to – she also gets embarrassed at being singled out).

So now we have seven days to pack and plan for our absence. I’m always frightened of flying but I know that it’s in God’s hands and I don’t really have control over anything anyway. If it is His will, we will be back home on the 18th, ready for one for weekend of Tuttle Christmas Carol performances and then Christmas!

The specific places you frequented this year and memories

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I guess I forgot to do “December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” again yesterday, so I’ll post date this one too. I don’t know what happened – yesterday was busy but not any more than usual, as far as I can remember. Anyway.

The specific places you frequented this year and memories.

Well, I know we went to Alva quite a bit this year. I guess some of those, like the Miss Cinderella pageant for Belinda and the Ranger Preview she went to were actually last year. This year I know we went there several times, but I don’t remember all the details. We went to the administration building to sign some papers at the financial aid office. That might have been during the Spring Showcase, but I didn’t remember that Belinda went to that, since she went to Ranger Preview and it’s basically the same thing twice. We also went to Northwestern when she got her bed installed in her room and then a couple of times to move things. Then we were there for Family Day and for Homecoming, and all of those had nice memories. Family Day had a scavenger hunt that was not like the homecoming one, alas, but we did it anyway and also had Taco Village and went to the little luncheon they had (even though we’d already had TV so we didn’t have room for chicken alfredo). It was still nice visiting. And then for homecoming we got to see the homecoming sign that Belinda did the lettering for, and we also did the big scavenger hunt and came in second by just minutes – but we had a fantastic time doing it! Sarah also got to tour the campus while we were there for Homecoming, and she thinks she might like to go there for college.

We also went to Gatlinburg over the summer, for Belinda’s last dance competition, and that was a really good time. The only thing I didn’t get done was posting photos because I was waiting for the nationals dance photos to post, and so I didn’t get those on fb because time got away from me. And now I’m trying to remember if I ever downloaded the nationals photos! I’ll add that to my to-do list to check on. I thought I would post those for the one year anniversary of the trip.

Same thing with Bennett and Mia’s wedding pics. I was waiting because I wanted to let them post the ones they wanted to post first, so I’d know which ones Mia liked best and could just follow her lead, but again, time got away from me. I am definitely posting those on their one-year anniversary (which again, I need to start planning asap because that is a lot of pics to look at)!

I spent more time than I would have thought at Mia’s family’s church, where the wedding was held. Her family has begun a theatre right at the church, and I’ve gone and seen Bennett and Mia and the rest of the family in several productions. And of course we’ve frequented our church a lot. And Fourth St. Theater.

I have also frequented Walmart but I don’t think I’m going to put any memories of that here, ha ha.

An ordinary, everyday conversation you remember

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Day 4 and it’s actually December 4! If I get it posted today I will be caught up on “December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year,” yay.

An ordinary, everyday conversation you remember.

I don’t know. This is odd. If it was ordinary and everyday, why would I remember it? I can remember lots of conversations, but there was something important and different about them.

I suppose one I remember very well was between me and Sarah and her therapist, mostly with Sarah talking, and that was a very rough conversation. I don’t really want to recite it here. Sarah’s been through a lot.

One thing you overcame this year

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Another “December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” entry. As noted before, it’s actually December 4 and I’m playing catch up. Truly, I only saw the list on December 2, so I always knew I would be late, but then I forgot on both the 3rd and the 4th. ADHD, woo!

One thing you overcame this year.

Wow, I wish I had done these each day so I wouldn’t be sort of rushing through the beginning. Also, Ben is watching TV and I don’t think my headphones are charged, so this isn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Anyway…

Nothing is coming to mind…

Okay – her it is! I overcame the huge headache that was getting Sarah’s drivers license!!

Sarah took Drivers Ed at Browns at the beginning of the summer. As soon as it was done, we got online to do the permit test. But no, it wouldn’t let us because I’m not her legal parent. Even though I had the power of attorney. Okay, so we needed to go in person to do the permit test. And that required two forms of ID.

I also learned that in Oklahoma, the legal parent or guardian of the student needs to go along when they take their permit and drivers tests. I found there was an alternate way, if the parent signed a specific document and had it notarized. Sometimes Will comes on Sundays for lunch, but I wasn’t confident in bringing a notary in on short notice like that. So I got online and became an official notary public. Since Will isn’t a blood relative or anything, it was okay for me to notarize it. I ordered my bond and my stamp thing, and a few weeks later, Will came for lunch and I got him to sign it! Another thing checked off.

Anyway, Sarah didn’t have a birth certificate anymore at that point. Will said it had been lost. I needed to have certain documents to be able to get it. We had her social security card, and she signed it (after practicing cursive for a while, lol). But we had no photo ID, no mail here in her name, nothing like that. I had a power of attorney, but they wouldn’t accept it because the rules said it had to be court-certified (not a thing in Oklahoma, as far as I could find out).

So after failing with the power of attorney, I found out that at 16, Sarah could order her own birth certificate, so that started to help. BUT she needed that second ID. The Internet said a high school transcript would work if it had her address! I had that! So we sent those in. Nope, it has to have a photo of her on it. I pointed out where it didn’t mention that, but that was only for people who have a high school that was out of state…not those that are in Oklahoma. WHAT. So back to the drawing board. I considered just putting her photo on the pdf of the transcript, but I knew that could come back to bite me. Ditto on making a student ID for her. See, Tuttle doesn’t do student IDs.

So this went back and forth and back and forth for months and months and months. I cried to people on the phone from Vitachek (the company that handles this for the state) and people in Oklahoma. I had a lady from Oklahoma say that the power of attorney plus transcript would work fine, so I uploaded that to vitalchek, who denied it, and when I tried to find that lady again, she had vanished. And the next guy I talked to was another make me cry person.

So I just waited for a bit as I licked my wounds and prepared myself mentally for another tactic. In the meantime, I went to Parent Teacher Conference night at the school. While there, Karlene and I got to talking to Sarah’s geometry teacher. I mentioned my difficulty, and she said that I should ask at administration if they could make her a photo ID like the ones the teachers had. It was so simple it was brilliant. I knew those people at administration and they’ve been super helpful with the situation. I had an interview scheduled with the superintendent already for the newspaper. And what do you know, it was no big deal. They did it, I scanned it and sent it to Vitalchek, and it was approved! We wanted to come pick it up, but it turned out only Sarah could do that, not me, even with a signed note from her authorizing it, and she’d have to – lol – bring her photo ID with her to prove it was her. Hilarious!

So we waited two more weeks and it came in the mail.

I was so excited! So it took us a few days, just because Sarah does have a busy after school schedule, but then we drove to Chickasha and filled out a bunch of stuff and signed stuff and did her photo and eye test…and then she didn’t pass by one! UGH!

BUT…the nice lady there told us that now that she was in the system, she could take the test online without the earlier restrictions. We had more busy days, and then she got on there and passed right away. That was right before her birthday, and on her birthday we drove down there and got that permit!

She still has the paper version and it’s in the car so she’s ready to go. The real one (we did REAL ID too) is coming in a few weeks. She’s been driving (on the back roads) and she goes real slow but hey, that’s how this has been going so I’m used to it!

That’s something I overcame! Stupid bureaucracy and red tape, but we did it!

Reminds me of finally getting Belinda’s diagnosis, but that wasn’t this year. Accomplishments!

Blessings

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We have been very blessed. After I posted my update, several friends have reached out, offering food, financial gifts, help with our drafty home, job leads, and prayers. Someone anonymously paid our entire propane bill. I was able to get the emergency utility assistance for the majority of the late electric bill, so that wasn’t cut off. We still owe on that, but at least our electric bills are much lower now that the heat of summer is behind us. I am so thankful to God for our family and friends, and to other resources that can help us through this.

Ben had an interview last week that was absolutely perfect for him. He said that he felt better about the way the interview went than the others he’s had. He also has former co-workers who work there who recommended him, which I’m sure will help. They said they hope to know something by the end of the year, so he is still looking in the meantime. I do hope that this job is God’s will for him. I think he would be very happy there! And the benefits would be comparable to what he had before, which would be so nice. I asked for prayers about that tonight in church.

Belinda will be home on Friday. She wasn’t going to come home this weekend but then I remembered she has an appointment with the Oklahoma Department of Rehabilitative Services. My sweet cousin told me that this might be a good resource for Belinda. After we find out more on Friday, I’m going to look into applying for Sarah as well. I think this will end up being very helpful for several of us.

Sarah had a wonderful birthday this week. We went out to eat the day before, for pizza, and she had her best friend there with her. This was our first time to meet her, and she was such a nice girl! The next day, I sent balloons up to the school for Sarah and got her a pin to wear that said it was her birthday. She was nervous about standing out like that but I wanted her to get some happy attention! After school we went and picked up her driver’s permit, and then that night we had her friend over again with the whole family and we had cake and ice cream before opening presents and then playing Bananagrams and Uno. We were only missing Belinda, who had to go back to school on Sunday afternoon.

Belinda had another deer go in front of her car today, but it was far enough ahead of her that she was able to safely brake and let it go by. She had gone with some other students for a charity project to help at the animal shelter in Enid, and the deer crossed the road on the way back. When she comes home for Thanksgiving, she is not coming until Wednesday so she can come in the morning and not drive at night. I have heard that the deer are everywhere this season and I believe it. I have seen so many on the side of the road!

I have been thinking about going and picking up some black walnuts. I’ve tried this before, but it didn’t go well, but I watched a video and I think I might be successful this time. We shall see. The pecans are almost ready on our tree, and I am watching those closely so I can give the squirrels a run for their money!

Sarah has next week off from school. She is so ready for a break. I am also looking forward to just having a week of more rest.