Category Archives: My Writing

Seasonal endings

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I didn’t know what to call this post. I wanted to say something about how we traveled to Alva yesterday. It was a first trip to get Belinda’s things set up at her new place. She’s going to be living an a house right by the campus this year, with two other girls. Belinda liked dorm life but she really disliked not having a stove. She was excused from the dining plan at the school last year because of medical issues, but that left her with limited ways to cook. When I was in the same dorm, we had an oven and stovetop on every floor in the lounge, but those days are done.

Anyway, we drove there and back yesterday. Lenora and Ben R were here with Mom and got Sarah to the theater for Tarzan. They also went to the show that night, and Bennett and Mia took over then. We got back home around 8, I guess. We had Taco Village while we were there.

We got Belinda’s medical bed from Ben’s parents’ storage unit and moved it into the house. Belinda is on the second floor and the stairs have a turn in them, so it was difficult to move the bed. Then it was difficult to set up the bed. Before we had Ben and Ben R and Bennett doing it. Now it was Ben and Belinda and me and there was a lot of frustration and feelings all over the place. It was not good and really colored the second half of the trip negatively. I wish things like that didn’t happen. Belinda had been saying she might stay a little bit longer before she moves and now she wants to hurry up and get moved back. That’s directly because of the tension and frustration and that’s very sad for me. Northwestern starts for the semester on the 17th.

Sarah starts her senior year at Tuttle on the 12th. I said she had to get her driver’s license this summer because I wasn’t going to drive her to and from school every day and she’d have to ride the bus otherwise, but I probably will just end up doing it, at least for a while. She will have early band practice a lot of days and she’ll need a ride for that. I sure wish she had gotten her driving in and her license wrapped up. She doesn’t seem to want it though, and doesn’t ask to go driving. And then those trips are tension filled and frustrating too, because it feels like I’m forcing her. But then the one who has to adjust life to cover it, by making sure I can drive her to and from school, is me. She’d probably agree to ride the bus sometimes if I talked to her about this. She’s really understanding and kind. But…it would have just been so much easier if we were starting this year with her in her own car. It would go a long way on this road towards independence that I’m trying to guide her on. Although, she is doing remarkably well and has really impressed me this summer with her responsibility towards band and theater.

Belinda has been my backup person this summer for driving, and now she’ll be gone. That will also be hard to navigate.

Another marker for the end of this summer is the end of the summer reading program at the library. I got a form from Belinda and filled it out and then I probably lost it. I might find it if I poke around but I don’t know. Last year I just put it on regular paper. Tuttle’s is the best summer reading program for adults because you list the books you read and you might win a prize. That’s it. I looked at the one for Newcastle and they require you to log hours, which sounds horrible. It’s hard enough to put my books on Goodreads. I do that, and then I copy them onto the Tuttle list. Or at least that’s the plan. Those are due today. I need to find the form. Bleah.

This is the final weekend for Tarzan. I said I would go tonight and record it, and I’ll do tomorrow as well unless tonight looks so great that I decide to not do the last one. That’s another sign summer is ending. The end of the summer show at the theater. I wish I was able to spend more time at the theater volunteering. I always wish that when I am there for the show and I didn’t get to help much inside the building and new people don’t know me. I like everyone there. But even if I didn’t have people to take care of, I would probably find some other reason I couldn’t be there regularly. Like my writing. I need to be writing.

That’s what I’m hoping this change of season will also bring. I’m writing this on the porch again today, listening to the sultry sounds of the cicadas and slowly looking up when I hear hummingbirds at the feeders. Two just buzzed around each other, squeaking, right by me. They both wanted the same feeder, which is interesting because I have three and they are pretty spread out. I need to dump and refill them today, I think. That might be a good project for this evening. Or maybe earlier tomorrow. It’s 10:30 already and it’s already starting to get kind of hot.

Mom has changed this season as well. She is less content to watch TV and continually comes out of her room to ask me what she should be doing, which is difficult. I am sure I could point her to all kinds of enriching things like her word finds or jigsaw puzzles or playing the piano, but it just seems like so much WORK. I remember how I would teach my children to do things like that. To find their own fun. I would help them to cook and clean knowing full well that doing these things would make things easier on me in the future as they grew. But Mom is different. She doesn’t learn and she doesn’t retain things. I have to explain the same things every day, again and again, and to me that is excruciating. I’m guessing it has something to do with the autism and adhd but surely everyone would be frustrated by it. I also have a very hard time doing things with her just watching me. That sends my nervous system into overdrive, to where it’s super stimulating and even a little painful. I do not like to be watched. I feel like I am being judged. I always feel like that. It’s not her fault, and I know I shouldn’t feel that way and it’s irrational, but my body does not understand that.

I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent like that there. I was supposed to be talking about my writing and then I went way off track. I just want to get the novel done. I want to write every day, mostly, and get it done. I want to do a little blogging as well, because I do think it’s good for my mind and my soul. And I want to make sure I do at least one newspaper article every week, which is sometimes difficult. I tend to get too involved and excited about things, and then I have to learn how to lean back. Like how I covered the historical society and then I want to do more with them. And I went to chamber meetings and city council and school board and I thought I’d just keep doing that but it started to get overwhelming with where my life is right now. That’s how it is with the theater too. And SCBWI. All the things. I just feel so tense and on edge most of the time, on the inside, even when I look calm.

My whole life has been a performance of sorts, and I don’t know how to stop that. If I’m watching TV and someone else is there, I feel like I cannot lie on the couch. I must sit up. Even when it’s family sometimes (although the ones that live in the house are usually tolerable). When someone gets home, I’ll lay down my phone. Don’t want to look like I haven’t been doing anything but looking at my phone all day. It’s like when I said I take a book to waiting rooms. It’s all about appearances, and I don’t know why that is so important to me but others don’t seem concerned. And I don’t judge them for looking at their phones in waiting rooms. So why do I feel I need to appear as close to perfect as I can, all the time? Who cares?

I guess I’m not going to get back to writing about the writing. Maybe I already wrote enough.

My hummingbirds are always backlit but I’m not sure where else to put my feeders.

Ice Cream Festival

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Wow, the Arts Council of Tuttle hosted the Tuttle Ice Cream Festival on July 4. This is an event that was held in Tuttle from 1992 until 2018 and then it stopped. The chamber started it and the city took over at some point and then ended it after the 2018 year. Then the downtown businesses had an Downtown Ice Cream Social in 2023.

So Bennett asked the council if we would try to host it because he loved it as a kid and he wanted today’s kids to experience that too. We said sure, we can look at that for 2027, and then he reminded us that this was the 250th anniversary of the nation and so we just went ahead and did it. We did it in two months.

It was smaller than before, but we had the event, like 25 vendors, food trucks, Braum’s ice cream, games, entertainment, ice cream eating contests, parade, and the Ice Cream Princess pageant. It was a great way to restart things. We’re planning to do it again next year!

Anyway, that’s been taking up a lot of my time, and I’d guess I will need some recovery time too.

Oh, and I don’t think I mentioned earlier that Rena left the Deborah Harris Agency and went to another agency and only kept some of her clients and I was not one of them!

I WROTE!

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I WROTE!

I wrote, I wrote, I wrote, I wrote, I WROTE!

And not just writing, I wrote in THE NOVEL!

I wrote the scene that has been PLAGUING me in the novel!

I finished the chapter!

I was only 746 words but HEY SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIX NEW WORDS! And I love them!

I have been with Belinda in Alva the past five days. I went straight from the writing conference in Tulsa to being in Alva helping Belinda through some emotional difficulties. I kept thinking about how I needed to take advantage of this opportunity, so I read all the former pages, thought about what I was trying to do with this scene and why it was so hard, worked on some backstory and then I JUST WROTE IT!

Wow, I feel like I could conquer the world!

A small update

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It is surprising that it has been a month and a day since I wrote anything on here last. I have been very busy with medical and other things. Right now I am with Sarah at a dentist appointment, but I wanted to write something because I recently got the Finch app to try to be more productive, and I put “write something” on it and so I must write something. I did write a poem a few days ago, when I was in OKC for my yearly lady appointment.

Upon leaving an appt in the city

It’s fun to pretend to be a real person.
I think this thought as I travel the sidewalk
Like everyone else.
You are a real person, I remind myself.
But it’s okay; I know what I meant.

So anyway, I had the urge and so I wrote that. Because the thought was interesting to me.

I got a 2500 grant for ACT I this month and that’s the first one I’ve done. It felt really good to help in that way.

A job!

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Ben has a new job. He started on Friday and worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He works from 6 am to 6 pm every day, or close to that, at least. It’s like in Midwest City or thereabouts. It’s not computer related. He’s a machine operator for a business that makes airplane parts. Ben R works there and that’s how he got the job. He could have interviewed there a year ago. But we kept thinking the mainframe job was just around the corner. Or the next corner.

I also wasn’t super excited about this opportunity because it is Aetna insurance. The insurer that doesn’t play nice with SSM Health, which is who almost all my doctors are with. Matter of fact, when Ben started job hunting, I said, “Take any full-time job you can find, but please try to not do anything with Aetna for insurance!” So here we are.

That hasn’t kicked in quite yet, so I am still seeing my regular doctors for now, and basically telling them goodbye. I will not be going to anyone new for a very long time. I’m still holding out hope that I do not have to part way with the entire support system I set up for myself. I can still pay out-of-pocket with my regular doctor at least a couple of times a year – I think that’s around $80 (we had to do this whole thing once before when his old employer had Aetna).

Ben hasn’t gotten paid yet. It is much less than what he made before, and that’s another concern of mine. The benefits we were receiving will stop. There will be cash, yes, but I’m not sure it will handle all of our needs, especially with medical co-pays returning to our lives. And now it feels like it would be weird to go to food pantries. He has a job. We need to make this work. Somehow.

However! I do know who can provide for all of our needs, and that is God! I sometimes forget to keep that at the forefront, especially when I am writing down what’s currently underway in our lives. but I know that He absolutely has this. And we will be completely fine (even though my vision of fine might not the same as God’s!)

We’re okay.

Thank you all for the prayers. Ben is still looking for something that uses more of his mainframe skills, so here’s hoping!

I have been going to Mustang in the mornings after I drop off Sarah at school, spending some time at the gym before going to the library to write. That’s where I am right now. I spent an hour or so on the novel, just trying to set up scaffolding stuff in Scrivener. This is going to be totally different than anything I’ve ever written, and I can’t really just write it down in a linear fashion by the seat of my pants. I absolutely have to have a lot of stuff set up ahead of time to make this thing happen. But when I am at the library with my headphones on, I can finally relax and get some work done on it. At home, I’m always tense, wondering who is going to come up to me and pull me out of my work to ask me to do something for them. And every little thing in the house that needs to be done also beckons to me. But I did this last week and I’ve done it this week, even though today I did not want to! A big key part is having to take Sarah to school. Then I’m already out so it’s not so hard to go to Mustang. I do have to look like less of a frazzled hag when I drop off Sarah though – there’s no going back home or I would just stay there!

I have a lot of things to do at home today. I need to reschedule all my PT appointments. They have been on Fridays, but with Ben working on Fridays I can’t do that anymore. I am very thankful he has been at home to help me with all this hard stuff with Mom and Sarah. I wish I’d been coming to the library and working a lot more in the past, but I suppose what happened in the past is what was supposed to happen. It’s okay. No ragrets, am I right?

So there’s that, and then I need to do DRS paperwork for Sarah and find out what Belinda needs to do for hers. I want her to try to do it herself but I feel I’m going to need to do some research on that before she dives in.

The other thing I need to do is resume scanning important documents. I was doing really well on that, and then the holidays came and it was all too much so I put that project away. I am trying to not only scan our important documents, but also all of Mom’s, and Mom has a LOT. I think that getting all of these scanned and uploaded to Dropbox and on my big hard drive is super important. I just really don’t want to do it!

With Lenora and Ben R no longer in the apartment, I do have some space free. I have been thinking about doing something temporary out there, with just the card table, to work on the scanning project. Separating it from everything else might be a good way to proceed. Everything I do feels so jumbled up in my mind right now. I need to organize my new novel and I need to organize my entire life!

Last thing, I’m reading the Dungeon Crawler Carl series and it is amazing.

This post was all over the place. That’s okay.

A poem I wrote at the children’s hospital

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I wrote this while we were in the waiting room at Children’s National Hospital earlier this month. I don’t know if the quality is that great, since I wrote it and didn’t really edit it at all, but I felt like I had to try to capture the space, and the mood, and the feel. It was one of the most poetic places I have been in a while. The poem doesn’t seem to follow many writing rules, but it was what was happening around me. I wrote this in the notes app since I didn’t have any paper.

Children’s hospital

Forgotten crayon on the floor
Yellow, alone on polished cold tile
Mickey and Minnie frolic on tv
Above a woman with her head in her hands
Children’s cries. Cranky. Tired.
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Bright painted walls. Blue, green, purple
Elmo, Moana, colored carefully or scribbled
Equally displayed, Scotch taped to doors
Edges flap as blue paper cap wearers
Rush through. Hurry, hurry
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Quarts of hand sanitizer
Join tinsel and gnomes by the silvery tree
No eating
No drinking
Kids hunger and thirst, parents must too
“Take it out,” warns reception. Offenders comply.
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Filling out forms, swiping through phones
Texting ‘no news yet’ to loved ones at home
An empty car seat at the feet of Grandma
Waiting for good news
And a small one back in her arms
Mom with tan backpack called out with her teen
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Dad grips white bag of somebody’s clothes
Twists the band strapped to his wrist,
Bar code printed by somebody’s name
Mama brings in a very small wheelchair
Warm jacket and marble game tucked
In the seat
Speaks on her phone in an unknown language
Smiles and laughs, then her voice goes soft
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

My child hungers. She closes her book
And now scrolls cat memes, sharing a curated handful with me
“I think that’s A.I.” I say, and
She doesn’t mind. Her leg bounces lightly
Betraying her calm cool classy demeanor
Our pager lies silent, useless, as we shift in hard seats
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

A memorable journey from the year

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“December Journaling if You Think You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” Day 28: A memorable journey from the year.

One thing that was memorable was Belinda’s final dance nationals competition. I got credit cards to pay for it, which I know wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I was unable to even consider not letting her do it. Getting to see her dance like that one last time was so wonderful. It was also really special to have that week where it was just Ben, Belinda, and me. We didn’t go too crazy with spending but we ate out a few times and I bought passes to go to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, the Ripley’s Aquarium, and some Ripley’s mini golf thing. I really just did it for the aquarium, but the other things were interesting too. And Belinda loves mini golf. We got to go with her duet tap partner and her family. It was fun hanging out with them. We also went to the library, rode the free trolley a LOT, explored, went through the national forest, saw a lot of cool things. And I got to spend time with just Belinda. I am so glad we had that time before she went to college in August. I can treasure that forever. One thing I did not do is post any pictures onto facebook about it, because I was waiting for the dance media to go along with the post, but now I can’t even remember what I’ve done with that now. I’m sure it’s all saved on the hard drive, but I would like to do a post about it, so it will be in my memories each year. I’m thinking I will do it on the one year anniversary. Along with Bennett and Mia’s wedding. One year anniversary isn’t even a month away for that, so I need to gather my photos now!

Another memorable journey was Karlene and my journey to support Sarah’s first year in marching band. We went to almost all the football games (Northwestern Parents Day got in the way one time, and the haunted house at the theater was the other) and not only did we get to see her perform, we also got to watch the Tigers have an undefeated season and win state! Sarah had never been to a Tuttle football game before this. What a way to start! Not only that, we got to see the band perform their routine at competitions and I really enjoyed that. Sarah was always so happy to see me there. Made my heart joyful! And Karlene and I traveled to out of town games, had dinner together at interesting places, and stayed the night in a very odd motel. We spent the night because the next day we all buried Sarah’s stepmom’s ashes, and that was quite a journey in itself. And it’s not quite over, since she doesn’t have a headstone yet. That can be a 2026 project.

And it’s not really traveling, but this journey through being “poverty people” (a Righteous Gemstones reference that I adopted) was extremely memorable. Food pantries, medical issues, financial assistance, cutoff notices, watching our bank account dip below zero once again, pushing pride to the side to accept help from other people, and still knowing that God has held all of us through all of it has been so good for our family. I would have rather learned these lessons without being so strapped, but I know that if this is the path God chose it was the right one for us! I am so thankful for everything that has happened this year.

Lifelong goals and achievements you’re still working toward

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This one is a lot easier than the others have been lately. It’s much simpler to think towards the future than remember the past, at least with the way my brain has been the last few years.

So this “December Journaling If You Feel LIke You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” is Day 27: Lifelong goals and achievements you’re still working toward.

-To be a better Christian.
-Pray more, read the Bible more, proclaim God’s love more, and love more.
-To remember to be thankful in everything, and to express that thankfulness regularly.
-To have the fruits of the spirit all the time.
-To be a better wife, parent, daughter, relative, friend.
-To actually have a clean house that stays cleanish and organized.
-To be traditionally published!!
-To be a best-selling author!
-To be more healthy.
-To not always feel like I don’t know what’s going on and that I’m left out and don’t really understand how things work. (I should probably change this one to continuing to accept myself for who I am!)

I think that’s a pretty good list.

Favorite Movies and TV Shows from the Year AND What You’ve Learned This Year

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I’m not sure how this pertains to “December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year,” but maybe this one is the proof that I actually did not. Here is 19: Favorite Movies and TV Shows from the Year.

It’s hard to remember. There is so much TV and we watch too much of it. I don’t think we went to the movies once this year, but of course, there were movies on streaming. We need to cut our streaming services, that would be something.

I enjoyed The Righteous Gemstones a lot. That is my favorite TV show now, I think. The language is bad but the humor gets me every time. It is perfect humor for me, great writing, great visuals. I’m going to miss that show. I think I have watched it seven times (I kept watching it with other people!) I’m actually streaming a playlist of Righteous Gemstones songs on Spotify right now.

We also watched Severance, and that was also really good. I love stuff like that, where there’s weird things and secrets yet to be uncovered. I hope they finish everything and tie up the loose ends, unlike Lost, which did NOT explain a lot of things and that was frustrating!

I know I watched more things, and I know I enjoyed lots of things. But I don’t want to write them down because I don’t want to upset any friends who lean to the right or the left more than I do. I like political things. I like to study what other people are thinking, saying, and doing. I do not like biased news. It’s hard to find anything that isn’t biased. I used to be so insulted when people would talk ill of the news media, and I would remind them that I was the editor of a newspaper, and they would say, oh, I don’t mean you, I mean real news, and that was also insulting.

Anyway, interesting that I feel no compunction to not talk about our medical, financial, or employment situations…but I do draw the line at political. That’s going to stay on my livejournal and in my own head, thank you very much.

Oh yeah, I hit publish but now I’m editing because I forgot I was going to try to do more than one on here.

20: What You’ve Learned This Year

I learned that I should look at these calendars with more of a critical eye before I dive right in.

I think we learned Belinda had MCAS this year, and later we learned that I do too.

I’m still learning the rest, I think. Right now I’m learning how to adjust to big life changes, like three children moving out in the same year and a new one moving in who has all her own idiosyncrasies instead of something I’ve worked to curate all of her life. I’m glad the things are always changing and not being boring…but I do yearn for the days when it was just little old Garvie Fam Five. Sigh.

Washington DC

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Yesterday Belinda and I flew into Washington DC and today we went to Children’s National for her procedure. It was an endoscopy with possible dilation (they did that). We are here because she still goes to the pediatric surgeons that performed the POEM procedure for her achalasia.

So yesterday we got to the room and didn’t want to do anything. After a while we bundled up and walked to Domino’s and got pizza. Belinda did not wear gloves and her hands were so cold! I considered giving her mine and then I did not.

Beautiful view from our hotel room

This morning we called an uber and got to the hospital early. We went to see the chapel and the Healing Garden, which were underwhelming. But I’m glad I saw them because I had wanted to see them for a long time. There is allegedly something on the roof as well, but I wasn’t brave enough to try to find that.

We were in the waiting room for a really long time. I wrote a poem that didn’t rhyme, after an abandoned yellow crayon under a chair piqued my interest.

Waiting

Anyway, I made a bunch of notes of the day, mostly so I can keep the facts straight and remember which doctors and nurses worked on her (which came in very handy today with the phlebotomist).

Belinda told Dr. Kane that she had no symptoms and every thing was good and I told her to really tell him, and then she talked about how things were getting stuck sometimes and how she was having spasms. He told her that stress can make achalasia worse. So when she was unable to swallow in the cafeteria at school, that made her have to regurgitate, which made her even more anxious the next time. I am very thankful the school released her from the meal plan. I cook and freeze meals for her, and she makes herself an egg for breakfast every day.

Anyway. The nurse came and talked and talked. She was very nice but it was a long chat! We were both getting tired. Then the anesthesiologist came in, and he checked out Belinda’s veins and then she said not my hands, please, and he said what about your foot and she said sure and I DIED but he got it onthe first try and Belinda wasn’t even bothered. I felt nauseated but made it.

Shot in the foot time

Dr. Petrosyan came by to say hi. He and Dr. Kane are both her surgeons, and they performed the POEM together. Her last scope and dilation was also with them. Today Dr. Petrosyan was the surgeon who was doing all the emergency surgeries. We talked about languages a little with him. He knows Armenian, Russian, and English. He’s very smart!

So it took a bit longer because the consent form didn’t include the dilation, and so the nurse couldn’t let her go to the OR until that was fixed. So Dr. Kane fixed it, Belinda signed it. She was glad to get to sign it twice because she got her digital signature to look better the second time.

Dr. Kane said everything looked great and the dilation they did was very small, but they of course did it while they were in there. It looks like it went from 9.4 mm at the narrowest point to 12.0 mm. So that will be nice for her.

We got an uber back to the room and I had thought we might go to the Botanical Gardens this evening but she just wanted to order food and rest. So we got fettuccine and had it delivered. I’ve never done that before and the cost was horrible. Too cold to walk tonight though, and getting an uber would have been more expensive.

Tomorrow we are supposed to meet a senator in the morning. Then the art museum or library of congress or natural history. I’m letting her lead.