Category Archives: On Writing

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A few years ago I started writing about Belinda’s medical journey when I realized that people didn’t really know what we were struggling with. It helped a lot to have friends and family understand how it was a serious issue and not just a passing thing.

This morning I feel compelled to do that again, on a separate issue.

Ben has been without work for just over a year now. I was able to get by, struggling along with the surety that he would find work in his field again soon. We are still struggling by, but now our credit cards are maxed, our credit score has crashed, and I’m not sure what I’m going to cut.

The situation.

Ben is a computer scientist. A mainframe developer. He’s trained in legacy systems like COBOL (the language financial systems run on) and also has experience moving systems off of the mainframe to newer languages (although he personally thinks that COBOL is superior). He is also neurodivergent in some way. We don’t know exactly what, and he doesn’t want to be tested and categorized. I get that. But his neurodivergence is making it apparently impossible for him to find work in his field any more. He spent 28 years with the same company, only to have them push him out after the transition to the new system. Now he gets interviews, but doesn’t do well and doesn’t get the job. Again and again, and it’s crushing him. I believe it’s the neurodivergence, but I don’t know how to help. I tried to spruce up his linkedin, but that didn’t go great either. He is SO SKILLED and would be an incredible, faithful asset to any company, but he isn’t “normal” enough to ace these interviews. So that’s a problem.

Why doesn’t he go get a regular job in the meantime? Well, he has to have a job with benefits, or else some kind of contract labor that would pay enough to get health insurance on our own. He’s applied for contract labor programming jobs but so far, no luck on those either. Any new job needs to include comparable health insurance or pay enough for us to lawfully maintain the coverage Belinda’s care requires. Until then, we are following program rules to keep her treatment continuous. We have looked at jobs outside of mainframe that have benefits, but he doesn’t get those either. He has even applied for jobs that, after paying for gas and the employee insurance, would still come out negative once we account for total costs of care. But he still tried for them and didn’t get them.

I have also applied for a few jobs, although I don’t know how that would work. I am my mom’s primary caretaker. Sarah is also here and I drive her to school and pick her up most days, and then I take her to her doctor’s appointments and therapy and tutoring and things after that. She is still playing catch-up on a lot of things and will be for a long time to come. I also still take care of Belinda’s medical, even though she is 18. It’s just too much for her. So I take her to appointments on school breaks or attend three-way virtual appointments with her. She has another procedure in DC in December and I’ll be accompanying her on that.

Belinda is high functioning autistic. Seems to be something that runs in our family because she, Bennett, and Lenora were all diagnosed. And then me. I had no idea, and since I homeschooled them all, it wasn’t on anyone’s radar. Sarah had been diagnosed in elementary school. I thought that probably Bennett had adhd, and when he started vo-tech and was having trouble we got him tested. Lenora was also having trouble in college. And when they were both diagnosed with adhd, Belinda was tested. And at some point all three of them were diagnosed with autism, and I finally realized autism isn’t always Rain Man and that I had it too. It took extra tests to get mine identified. The psychiatrist said that I have a very high IQ (like…he said it several times) and that was how I had gotten away with my masking for such a long time. One thing that I see now that shows I am truly autistic – when the psychiatrist said that I was in the top 97th percentile of the population, I nodded but wasn’t really interested since that’s exactly how I used to score in the old California Achievement Tests they gave us in elementary school. And then he stopped, and explained how that is actually a VERY BIG DEAL and then I realized he wanted me to be more impressed with that information and so I acted like that was very interesting so he would be satisfied and we come move on to the rest of the results. It worked, we moved on, and looking back, I was still just masking. And I do this all of the time.

Anyway. I write for the newspaper and get paid by the story, and that hasn’t bumped us over the financial limit yet. Our only other income is the oil/gas royalty that I get from my portion of our family farm. It’s not a huge amount but it has been able to keep us afloat, albeit at the poverty line. It goes up and down. A few months ago it dropped enough that we were able to qualify for government food assistance. We received that for two months until the shutdown. Ben and I also visit food pantries each week. I have two I usually go to, and he does one for me on Wednesday nights so I can take Mom and Sarah to church. (Although I haven’t been getting them to church at all lately…it’s gotten to be so much to have to take two people who are difficult to get there. I miss it.

We were pretty broke when Ben lost his job. Lenora had gotten married that summer, and we had spent money getting our bathroom redone (our house is super old and there was actually a hole in the floor, so it was definitely time to do it). We’d also spent money on Lenora’s last semesters in college. A lot of money went towards Belinda’s diagnosis of achalasia, and the battle we went through to get that figured out. Then came the additional diagnoses of Ehlers-Danlos, MCAS, and POTS, and all the different appointments and things we had to go to for that and to get on top of those diseases. So we went into the joblesness with pretty much nothing. Some people in our church and some friends helped us raise the 3000 we had to have to continue COBRA insurance for Belinda’s second surgery, which was Nov. 5, 2024 (Ben lost his job on Oct. 31 and health insurance stopped right then; thanks for that, former employer of 28 years).

So now? I go to food pantries. I have the EBT card, which will maybe start up again. I keep finding new ways to keep things going. Belinda has gotten grants from the National Organization for Rare Diseases, which is how we are able to pay for hotel and ground transportation in DC. A charity called Mercy Medical Angels has gotten us flights twice for the DC trips (once in last November and once next month). Soonercare (Medicaid) has approved Belinda’s out of state procedure and may be able to help with some other expenses while we are there. I’m still looking into that. I found that the insurance carrier we have with Soonercare, Humana Healthy Horizons, offers some value added benefits, and one was a once-a-year assistance with utility bills. So I was able to get that for all three of us, and that helped us keep the electricity on and the propane in the tank. I also was able to get emergency medical utility assistance with the state through the Liheap program, because we have life-saving medications that require refrigeration. That’s once a year, but thankfully it started over in October so I was able to get it in September and I am currently trying to get it approved for November. We follow every program’s rules, report changes, and keep documentation for anything we use.

Mom is considered her own household. She has her own separate suite and entrance and pays her own expenses. Sarah is counted with her dad for benefits purposes, but the school here knows her situation and helps with what they can — she gets free breakfast and lunch and sometimes take-home food boxes, and they’ve reached out about holiday needs too. I’m thankful.

All of this stuff is very difficult to do. The help is there but it is hard to get it. I don’t know how poor people do this all of the time. This year has been so stressful. Every time I need to talk to someone about SNAP or Soonercare or Liheap I have to call and be on hold for hours. The people are lovely when I finally get through but it’s rough that they can’t have chat or email or something. But that’s not how it works. There’s so much to research – like the rare diseases organization or the medical flights. No one helps you find these things. It’s sink or swim. The people at the food pantries are also so lovely but I am definitely experiencing fatigue of this whole thing. I thought this was going to be temporary but now I don’t know what to think.

Belinda’s internist has written a letter stating that she should be considered disabled because of her many issues. I keep going back and forth on whether I want to apply for that with the government. There are a lot of benefits and I can’t really find many negatives, so maybe it’s just the thought of it that I’m having trouble with. But I also know that if I had known that I had the same issues as her (minus the achalasia) when I was younger, I would have wanted to have applied for it. I still would have wanted to work as much as I could, but I would have understood that when it all got to be too much for me all those years ago, it wasn’t that I was bad or lazy, it was autistic burnout. I know I said above that I have tried for a few jobs, but even when I do I wonder how I think I’ll be able to continue functioning when I feel like I am doing all that I can to make it through every day, without an outside the home job. I don’t have enough recent work credits to apply for disability myself, though there are other programs with different rules. Belinda’s doctor has written a letter supporting her case, and we’re praying through what the next step should be for her. But of course, I didn’t know I had any real problems back then, and instead I blamed myself for not being able to cope with both job and home life. But still I waver what’s the best thing to do for Belinda.

I do have a lot of issues too. I have had terrible hip pain for years, but Belinda’s diagnosis of ehlers-danlos made me think that was the answer to the riddle no one could solve. So now I know that in addition to autism and adhd, I have ehlers-danlos, pots, and mcas. I also have psoriatic arthritis apparently, I just had both things which is why the medication didn’t do much for me. At least now I know why I can’t sit in one position for more than a few minutes. It doesn’t have a solution but knowing makes it more tolerable.

What else? Well, back when we were middle class, we had the house rewired so we could have central heat and air for Mom. We got so far as getting the entire mother-in-law suite set up, and we got the system upstairs, but downstairs is still a window unit and propane heaters. Mom is downstairs now and it’s driving me crazy listening to her talk about how she is hot or cold and asking what she should do about it. And it’s going to get very cold this winter because there are still many holes in the walls of this house and when the north wind blows hard in the winter there’s a breeze and you can see your breath in the kitchen. I also looked into assistance with home repair but the questions made the whole Sarah and Mom situation difficult to explain, plus Ben R and Lenora in the mother-in-law suite, and so I gave up on that. I’ll just try to tape towels over the cracks where they’ve come loose again.

The house is such a mess. When Lenora and Ben R moved into the separate suite and Mom came to the downstairs area she has, most of her stuff came inside and we haven’t yet found a place for it. We don’t really have any storage space here, and I haven’t felt up to going through all of it. We also have quite a bit of food pantry food that is starting to take over. Mostly in the form of boxes of macaroni and cheese and peanut butter. We appreciate it and are keeping it for the future, but it’s hard to keep up with some of the items. Ben and I also have so much stuff everywhere. Too much clothing, too much furniture, too much medical stuff, too much paperwork, too much stuff. Hard to let go of anything when you don’t have money to replace things though. My latest plan is to try to fit all the downstairs clutter upstairs and then not let any visitors go up there, even for the bathroom!

Our credit is maxed everywhere. We stayed away from credit cards for as long as we could but finally we had to use them starting in the summer. Our electric has a cut off date on it (I should be able to take care of about half of that with state assistance but I don’t know where the other $800 is going to come from – the holes in the walls contributes to this). We owe the propane company over a thousand dollars. I would estimate that we probably are about 15,000 in debt at the moment. I pay the minimums and the late charges, and I add $50 or so to each one but it’s like a drop in the bucket. The credit cards were basically my last ace in the hole. Now that they are full I’m not sure how we will keep our heads above water. But I guess it has worked so far. Our home is paid for. I am thankful for that. Taxes and insurance are hitting hard but we have been able to make those payments at least.

In other good news, Sarah’s birth certificate is in the mail and when we get that we can finally get her drivers’ permit. That has been a huge undertaking and took five months to get done, and only happened because a suggestion from one of Sarah’s teachers that blossomed into an actual solution.

More good news – we are all alive and reasonably healthy. Belinda is doing well in school and is finally making some friends (hard for autistics) and is working to start a Pre-Law club. She is having difficulty with one class, biology, but she is working hard to keep her 4.0 average.

Belinda and I got her FAFSA filled out and even though it will show that we have too much income for a pell grant since it is based on 2024 income, I know that her school will be able to adjust that based on our current situation, like they did last year. Otherwise I don’t know if she would be able to go to school without huge student loan debt.

Our cars keep running. Belinda’s had an issue but Ben was able to fix it himself. He always impresses me with that sort of thing! He truly can do anything he sets his mind to. God willing, Sarah will be the fourth young person in this family to learn to drive in my van.

Our appliances all keep chugging along. Our washer and dryer, refrigerator, dishwasher, well pump, microwave – all these things keep going. A burner has gone out on the stove and there is a disturbing spot in the microwave where whatever coats the inside of the microwave has worn through and now it’s a big rusty spot, but it’s still working so far! We still can afford laundry detergent and dishwasher soap and toothpaste and other things that food pantries don’t provide. That’s good!

I decadently bought Chinese food for Bennett and I yesterday for lunch, and I have leftovers for today and tomorrow! This makes me very, very happy and I will probably watch a true crime documentary while I eat it, before I get back to actual work. My to-do list is always disappointingly long.

I have found a supplement that seems to be helping with my brain fog! I’ve had long covid since 2020, and the brain fog has been horrible. I still have a little of it, but it’s so much better. The theory is that the fog is caused by inflammation in the brain, and this supplement helps with inflammation. My hips are also hurting less, and the orthopedic surgeon I went to last month said that the supplement also helps with arthritis pain and other inflammation issues. Hooray! I must be able to taste and smell a little more too, because I now smell it when Nutmeg has an accident. Poor old kitty but I’m glad I can smell it and fix it!

I’m starting to feel optimistic about my writing again. I’ve been reading a ton (thankful for libraries) but I think the supplement is also slowly opening me up to the possibility of creating stories again.

Lenora and Ben R, and Bennett and Mia are happy and thriving in their marriages. The last two nights I have dreamed that my old “Garvie Fam 5” was together and the first night we were in an escape room that was a whole house, and last night I dreamed that we were at a tourist town and we were in a treasure hunt. I love Ben R and Mia and I’m so glad they are in our family, and I love Mom and Sarah, but I do miss the old family days. My eyes are tearing up as I write this. It has been hard letting go of all three of them in the same year. Everything has changed so much. It’s been so hard. But I have to keep fighting the good fight.

I need prayers. I need prayers badly. Please pray:

–For patience for me. With Mom, with Sarah, with Ben, with people who don’t understand, and with our situation. Mom just came in and asked me if it was all right if she got up now and I was a bit short with her because I’m writing and I feel bad about that. I have to do better.

–That I will figure this out, despite my brain which apparently does not work quite in the best way for modern life.

–That Ben will get the job God wants him to be in.

–That the upcoming trip and procedure in DC goes well.

–That Mom will keep what memory she has.

–That Belinda will get that A in biology.

–That Ben will feel better mentally and emotionally and take better care of himself physically.

–That poor Nutmeg will figure out the catbox, or that I will figure out how to get her to it in time.

–That I keep coming up with ideas for stories for the paper, that the paper keeps letting me write them, and that the readers enjoy them. Those little checks that pop up at the middle or end of the month, right when things are about to hit the fan, has saved us more than once. God is good.

–That I take better care of things here. My adhd gets the better of me a lot and I don’t get Mom to wash her face or brush her teeth or take out her partial or any of that stuff. And I don’t remember to tell Sarah to do those things as well. Sarah won’t be able to get braces if she doesn’t step up the oral hygiene. Nobody showers enough. Sheets aren’t changed enough. I don’t cook real meals enough. The house isn’t cleaned enough.

–That I figure out what to do with Mom’s caregivers. We have someone who comes over twice a week, two hours at a time. I’ve made it known I want Mom cleaned up and showered once a week, and that I want her sheets and laundry washed once a week. I also want them to play Scrabble with her. But mostly they just sit in the next room and watch TV with her. I appreciate that I can go and get Sarah without having to find someone who sit with Mom, but it’s not what I asked for and I don’t know how to fix it. I would be happy to do more hours if that’s what’s needed or whatever, but I mean…Ben could sit in there and watch The Lone Ranger in there with her for free.

–For the theater here in Tuttle. I give a lot of my time to the arts council here, making social media art and doing other little things, but the whole organization needs help badly, mostly financially. I was trying to write grants but ran into a hitch. I need to find time to do that again.

–For Lenora and Ben R. They’ve decided to move out and I’m going to miss them terribly, but I want everything to go wonderfully for them!

–For Bennett and Mia. They haven’t been going to church either and I worry about that. I’m praying they are in God’s will and that He blesses their home with abundance and joy.

–For Sarah! I just got a call to set up an appointment for Sarah for food aversion therapy. She’s the pickiest person I’ve ever known, and that is coming from a very picky person. Pray that it goes well and that she can get over this obstacle. She needs lots of prayers.

And finally! Belinda just messaged me this happy news from college. Her biology professor said this morning: “Can anyone but Ms. Garvie tell me what plant cell walls are made of?” That makes my heart so happy! She’s studying so hard for that class and it is paying off. She’ll get that 4.0 yet!

If you made it this far, thank you. I know it was ridiculously rambly and complain-y, but it does feel good to let it out sometimes. I try very hard to keep everything looking like it’s completely fine and I don’t know how to let people know when it is not, while still being socially acceptable. Darn autism again! But it is who I am and I am thankful to be me.

Through all of this, I am still thankful. God is taking amazing care of me and of my family and loved ones. I know this. And one day maybe I’ll look back on this from a much easier spot in life and continue to praise God for everything. And maybe it will be worse then. Who knows. I hope no one gets the idea that I will not be okay through all of this. I will. I just wanted to talk about it.

<3

#amwriting once again

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Today I felt off, somehow. Maybe I’m getting sick, maybe it’s just mental/emotional. I have a hard time understanding the way I’m feeling most of the time. Lately it’s seemed like I’m just not doing anything or accomplishing much. Too much watching tv and taking care of the house, and not enough living. Part of that is probably due to the cold snap we are just now coming out of. I hadn’t left the house in days, due to bad roads and just wanting to stay at home and hibernate.

This morning I felt like I had to do something different. So I went to Newcastle and picked up a library book I had on hold for book club, then went to Mustang to the community center gym. I walked on the indoor track for a half hour or so, with no music, no audio book, no podcast. Just me and my thoughts. My brain doesn’t seem to think as well as it used to, but maybe if I just force it to work instead of placating it with distractions, it will get better. I talked to myself some as I walked, about my books, about my plans, about my dreams. I talked about my current novel and wasn’t thrilled when I had a hard time remembering my protagonists’ names. But they did come to me after a minute.

I came to the conclusion that I need to try to write at night again. I have been telling myself for years that I need to write in the mornings. That I need to do it first thing, while my mind is the freshest. But in all honesty, I’ve done the majority of my writing at night in the past. I would take care of the house, and the kids, and whatever else, and then in the evening I would finally get time to myself and I would sit and write. I haven’t wanted to do that for a long time for various reasons…but I think that time is past now. If writing last night before bed worked for me before, I think I owe it to myself to try it again.

My mind might not be early morning fresh, but mornings are too difficult. There’s the question of breakfast, and emptying the dishwasher, and taking care of Mom’s breakfast and a dozen other little things. Then I start thinking about the things I need to do during the day. But at night none of those things matter. I’m done with my work for the day an I can relax and enjoy my writing.

So that’s what I did tonight. It’s been a long time since I worked on this, so I read what I had written before, doing some small edits and tweaks. Then I went ahead and wrote a paragraph about what was going to happen in the next two chapters. Which is great, because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. Now I know, and I can think about that tonight and tomorrow, and then hopefully knock out some real words tomorrow evening.

I prayed before I began, asking for help, and after, thanking God for how well it went. I want this book to be like my first, which I still feel like came directly from God – from Him to my measly brain. The idea was not mine, and the writing just poured out. I wrote that novel in a month. I’m praying for another download from God. Just something that feels like it’s writing itself. The new chapter outlines felt like that, so I’m optimistic.

Agent and auto and assistance

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I just got off a zoom call with my agent and that was good. It was nice to just talk to her and feel like a writer for a little while. She’s having a hard go of it right now with her life, just like me, and we caught each other up a little on that and then discussed my books. She’s going to reread the young adult novel I sent to her, and she’s going to send several of my books out again in January.

When we were done I called our insurance agent because of that accident Belinda was in back in October. I asked for their advice, since I could not afford to help in any way with the other person’s car – and that’s still assuming she was at fault.

So they told me to go ahead and file a claim. The deductible is $500, which is less than what he was wanting, but I also don’t have $500, of course. They said that they will write a check for the amount of the damage minus the $500, and if I can get someone to fix it for the amount they give us, I can do that. So maybe I will get lucky on that. It will be nice to fix the car, since it was in pristine condition before this, since it was my mom’s. Our insurance will go up, they said. But I’ve already paid the insurance for December, so this is future Regina’s problem. And surely he will have a job by then! Or something!

The assistance part of my title is that I went to a food pantry today. I’m a good stockpiler so we have canned food, but we didn’t have much perishable food. They were so nice and it was so hard. When the lady at the church showed me the bread table and told me to take all I wanted, I started to cry. They also gave me a small amount of milk and orange juice, plus two pounds of ground beef and a package of hot dogs, along with some boxed and canned things. I tried not to take very much. I felt guilty, like I was taking from people in more need than me. But it really will help us.

It was a husband and wife team that ran the food pantry, and they knew Belinda because the husband leads our American Legion, and they’re the ones who sent Belinda to Girl’s State. They told me to tell her hi.

Thirty days of gratefulness – An Opportunity

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Today’s prompt is An Opportunity.

I am very grateful that I am now writing again for the Tuttle Times. My friend Jayson is the editor now, and he posted on facebook that he was looking for something to write for Minco and Union City, and get paid by the story, and I commented that if he was ever looking for someone for Tuttle, to hit me up (cause I don’t want to do Minco and Union City, sorry not sorry). He did, and I’ve been doing stories them for over a month now, which is wild because it’s gone by very quickly. It’s not a lot of money but it is nice to be getting a little something. And I am enjoying getting a toe back into the local news and community scene. It’s been a long time.

It couldn’t have come at a better time, too. I used my first check to help us out during the trip to DC for surgery earlier this month. And now the second and third checks is keeping our bank account from going negative, so I am very grateful for that!

When I commented on that post, Ben was still employed with no inkling that he was about to lose his job of 28 years. I just thought it would be good to write news again and to make a bit of money at the same time. But God knew what was to come. I believe that He put this situation in place, and it will help us through this difficult time.

My triumphant return into the world of journalism, in the Oct. 3, 2024 edition.

And now you know the rest of the story.

Back in DC

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Belinda and I are at the hotel in DC for the night. We are staying at Washington Plaza Hotel, just six blocks from the White House. The cost of the room was paid for the National Organization of Rare Diseases, which is a great blessing!

Ben took to us to the airport this morning and we got through TSA, then Belinda asked for Starbucks. I warned her it would be expensive at the airport, but then I went ahead and let her. She got the smallest sized chai latte, so it wasn’t that bad.

We were sitting at the gate when there was an annoucement that someoone had left their bag somewhere and it was with security. Belinda and I exchanged a look at that poor person’s plight. Then we noticed she didn’t have her bag! Turns out I thought she had taken it with her to Starbucks, and I came and followed her after a few minutes and left it there. But everything was in it safe and and sound and the security people smiled and thanked us for getting it. I’m glad we didn’t lose it!

Southwest gave us priority boarding again because of Belinda’s medical condition. I wasn’t sure we should do that since she’s not in a wheelchair or anything, but it was the best way to ensure we would be seated together, and I need to be there instead of a stranger in case she has choking issues. There was also a service dog on the plane that was a very good dog.

The flight was direct this time, and we didn’t have anyone in our row with us. That was very nice. I wrote my articles for the Tuttle Times and read. She looked out the window, read, and napped. It was a good flight. The pilot apologized for the turbulence early in the flight, when we were getting around the storms, but I really didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. The flight attendants were super nice too. Just a good experience all around.

Belinda had apple juice and pretzels on the plane and she ate slowly and didn’t choke. She also had a few strawberries that I’d brought from home.

We got an uber to the hotel and the driver was very nice too. He was listening to hip hop and a Will Smith song came on while we were getting to the hotel and I took that as a good sign, since he is one of my all-time artist faves. Belinda didn’t recognize the song and said she only recognizes music by Ariana Grande.

Hotel is swanky and a doorman brought our luggage in and opened the door for us. Concierge is super sweet and helpful. She is going to print our White House passes for me, since I didn’t realize they needed to be printed until today. I finished up my stories and sent them while Belinda ate more strawberries. She did choke once, but went to the bathroom and it was okay.

Belinda wanted fettucine for dinner, and we found a little place about eight blocks away and walked there while the sun was setting. The place was pretty empty but the people were great and the food was too. It reminded us of the Chinese restaurant in Tuttle somehow. Belinda ate slow and didn’t choke. We also got cannoli to take back to the room which I’m looking forward to. We saw interesting architecture as we walked back and a church next door to the hotel had a group of people singing outside. We also saw a dog that looked like Bond from SpyXFamily.

(The church is the National City Christian Church. Wikipedia says it was built in 1930 and is the national church and cathedral of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ).

We passed the Metropolitan African Methodist Episcopal Church on our walk, and I told Belinda how the Obamas had attended some services there. We also walked by the Saint Germain Foundation, and I informed Belinda I understood that was a cult. She’s getting so much learning here.

It’s only 7 pm but it feels later. I’m not sure what we’re going to do tomorrow. I didn’t expect the procedure to be at 5 pm so I didn’t plan anything for the morning. She said she might like to see the Library of Congress. She can only have clear liquids after midnight. I bought a box of the kind of broth she likes. There’s a fridge in here but not a microwave, so I don’t know what to do about that. Maybe ask downstairs? I do have a thermos.

Now she’s on her computer, looking to see if she has anything else due for her college classes. She’s got the inflatable wedge blown up so she can sleep (she can’t safely lie down flat anymore after her original surgery). This is the first time attempting to sleep on the inflatable wedge. I’m not optimistic but we couldn’t really bring anything better without a lot of hassle.

There were two complimentary bottles of water in the room when we got here, and she already finished hers and now she’s taken mine. Oh well, I still have water from the airport in Oklahoma City so I’m doing okay.

We’re looking forward to tomorrow. This procedure is basically a balloon dilation to open up the lower esophagus due to too much scar tissue forming after the POEM procedure surgery. This one is outpatient, so that’s great! I hope this helps for a long, long time.

Balance

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How do you find balance when you have so many roles in life?

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Yesterday, as I typed at the coffee shop and nibbled on my biscotti, I felt very much like a cool, put-together writer person. Then I leisurely left and drove over to the location of our SCBWI meeting. I got a text that my writing bff was on her way, so I parked, went inside, hit two pokestops, and then ducked into the ladies’ room.

And that was when my youngest small person called. Concerning something with my oldest small person. And then I had to go home. No delightful dinner with friends. No get together. No sharing, no meeting, no socializing. I had to go home. I used to let my husband deal with these things on my writers’ night, but now he has joined SCBWI as an artist and I can’t just dump it on him anymore. So I went home. I told him he should go to the meeting but he went home too. I cooked dinner. We watched TV.

I have to admit, I cried a little on the way home. It’s hard to completely understand what I was feeling at the time. I knew that I could no longer enjoy myself at the meeting, knowing that things were going poorly at home. They are my responsibility. And I felt like I had been selfish to go to the coffee shop instead of just going home after helping Ben. I always feel a little selfish when I go to writing things anyway, but I told myself I deserved to be a little selfish. That it was good for me, and for them. And it was good for my writing career.

But is it really? Or am I just telling myself that so that I can indulge myself?

As I drove (it’s like almost an hour to get home from there), I thought that maybe I just wasn’t supposed to really immerse myself into the social aspect of writing at this time. Maybe I need to wait until the youngest is grown. That’s only about nine more years.

I’ve been going through so much spiritual awakening and growth lately, and the thought of this doesn’t even really bother me right now. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that we can learn and grow from all our experiences. But what is this telling me? For the moment, I’m still going to the upcoming conference. I have committed to work at it, and I’m not going to let the others down. But I asked my mother to help me with the home fires, and she is going to. I don’t feel that I should ask her to do this every time I want to go have fun, though.

Yesterday I planned that today I would go to the library in the next town over and use one of their private study rooms to work on my wip. I was going to take my index cards and reconsider each scene of the novel and their order. I also planned on bringing a notebook and working on excursions for an upcoming trip we’re going on. I thought I might take the kids and let them enjoy the library, or I’d leave them at home together. By the time I got home, I didn’t think either was a good idea. If I can’t feel comfortable leaving them at home together, how could I have them at the library? I’d have to focus on them instead of my work, because I’m not sure I can count on any of them to be responsible for the others.

So now I’m thinking I’ll do the trip planning stuff at the kitchen table. Then I can make my son do his math at the table with me, because he basically needs to be stared at to get his work done. He’s several weeks behind. Again. I can’t focus on my writing, but at least some things will get done.

I feel like I sound like I’m making excuses to not get done with my work. I want to do my work. I just can’t seem to figure out how to do it. Every thing I try leaves me blocked.

White space

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I think I work better without anything around me. I used to have a lot of cute things in my office – stuff from Frozen, artwork I’d made and my friends had made, stacks of books, plus piles of papers, unsorted bills, and other things I’d accumulated. But when we renovated the office area (it’s part of a mother-in-law add-on at our house that we cleaned up for my parents if they need it) I moved everything out. And now all that is in here is a desk, computer, printer, trash can, shredder, desk chair, floor mat, comfy chair, lamp, bookcase that is half filled and orderly, and the little hassock that my printer is sitting on.

I also have my laptop bag, a small stack of pink index cards with the scenes from my work in progress, and three essential oil blends I got yesterday from an etsy seller that are writing related and adorable. Oh, and there’s a desk lamp, monitor, external keyboard, mouse, and two wrist rests.

The desk is packed full of stuff that I really should go through, but other than that, there’s nothing else. And I guess when I write it out it sounds like a lot of stuff, but it’s not, really. And it’s nice. It’s nice to have all this white space around me. Well, the walls are light gray but you get me. It’s very calming.

Of course, speaking of the walls I noticed my new desk chair has made a few marks on the wall behind me and I need to figure out how to get those off.

When I was a junior high kid, I got put into in-school-suspension because I was not doing my schoolwork. Most kids got in there for fighting or things like that but I got it for not doing any homework. The teachers knew I was more than capable, and I guess they didn’t know what to do with me.

I LOVED IN-SCHOOL-SUSPENSION.

The only awkward part was when people saw me at lunch or after school and asked where I was all day and I had to tell them, and I was embarrassed about it. But being in the little room off of the school secretary’s office where the big butcher paper rolls were stored? That was blissful. I just sat there, with no window out and nothing really to look at. The teachers gave me my schoolwork at the start of the day, and instead of having to listen to them lecture about it before I could start working, I could just read the instructions and examples and go for it. Instead of having hours of homework every night that was too bothersome to do, I got it all done in probably an hour and spent the rest of the day reading the novels I’d brought with me. I only got to stay in there for three days, and when they put me back into the classroom, I went right back to my old habits. Poor teachers.

But looking back, I can see that the distractions were hard for me in school. And it was dreadful having to listen to a teacher lecture when I could figure out what to do on my own and just get it done. I still prefer to read something than watch a video telling me the same thing. I really dislike weather videos on facebook. Just give me a few sentences so I can go on with my day. And instructional videos on youtube. No, written instructions please or, you know what? I think I’ll just figure it out on my own.

So, long story short, I didn’t know I had ADHD until just recently, and it’s interesting learning more about myself and my learning styles.

I know this was kind of rambly but that’s also okay.

Marching forward

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Oh, the cleverness of me.

Anyway. I was dismayed to see that I posted in January but not February. I mean, having one blog post a month isn’t that lofty of a goal, but I failed. Anyway, on the brighter side, it’s not even the end of March and I’m doing it so we will leave the past in the past and focus on the now.

I haven’t been doing too terrible updating my planner. It’s probably not the best thing that I take my laptop to work each evening, because then I have to hook it all back up on my desk to work, and I don’t really care for that. I’d like the office to purchase a computer so I don’t have to lug mine around, and hopefully that will happen soon. But this is Spring Break so the dance studio is closed, so I can keep the laptop plugged in and not have to mess with it.

I also have a new-to-me TV on my desk, and that’s cool because I’m not hunched over like I was, looking at the laptop. The screen is a little bigger, too. I have new keyboard and mouse because I apparently lost the usb plug in thing for the old one, which is disappointing, but not super surprising. But the keyboard has nice resistance and is very clicky, which I like.

The office is tricked out with new carpet and there’s very little in this room now, which is probably a very good idea for me. I keep glancing out the windows, and I probably need to cover them up and just gosh-darn focus but it’s also nice to look out. I don’t know what I’ll choose. Nothing for now.

There’s no air conditioning at the moment, which doesn’t matter now but will in a few months. I don’t want the old window unit in here now that it’s so nice. I want real central air. I’m going to need to talk to the a/c guy I know and see how much it will take to make that happen. How will I pay for this? I don’t know but maybe something glorious will happen like a book will sell.

In my planner, I have several goals for March. I want to work on my current manuscript, particularly my middle grade vampire novel. I also plan to write a blog post this month, which is going nicely, thank-you-very-much, and to post something on my livejournal. My other goals are to write a poem and to read a novel. I’ve done okay with the one novel reading a month thing. I know it’s not a great goal but it beats my record for last year. I read The Secrets of Winterhouse in January and Under a Painted Sky for February, both by other clients of Rena’s. Hoping to read The Simple Art of Flying in March but I haven’t started yet. I have many more that I purchased with good intentions – most by my friends – but I didn’t feel like I was in the right state of mind. I might still not be, but one a month is working so far. And maybe it will help me get back into that state of mind, so I’ll feel more like a writer and less like a Netflix/Hulu/HBO Max/Disney+ watching zombie.

I have other things on my to-do list. Many of them are for church. One is remembering to pay for web hosting. Hopefully. One is a thing for the theater. I think the things for Easter, for church, are the biggest. I need to get anything ordered that I’m using for that this week so I get it on time. The egg hunt is one of the biggest things we do all year and I’m looking forward to seeing the kids run around and get eggs. We had thirteen in children’s church last week for Pajamas and Pie day and that was good.

I went to a funeral for a good friend from church today. There were so many people there. I wore my mask and so did the guy next to me but we were in a vast minority. Maybe most people are vaccinated now. I think I should still be immune but it’s still a good idea to wear the mask, I think. If nothing else, it makes others feel comfortable wearing theirs too.

Last month I had some small victories. I entered several things in the OWFI writing contest, including one rather saucy limerick, lol. I wonder what they’ll think of that one. I also wrote a first draft of a picture book biography, then went and visited her hometown, then revised and resent to Rena. Hopefully that’s going to be a positive thing.

Here’s what I still want/need to get for my office. Hoping that doing these last few things will help me stop procrastinating and get this show on the road.
–New chair. This chair is 20 years old and doesn’t have a high back. I want one with more support.
–Plastic mat thing to protect the carpet from the office chair.
–Wrist rest for the keyboard and the mouse.
–Microwave for the kitchen.
I guess I want to get some other stuff for the kitchen, like cups for tea and glasses for water, and a dishcloth, but this is the majority of it. I also want to get the porch screened in, but that obviously isn’t going to happen instantaneously or anything. I might want to get a new monitor. This one isn’t as awesome as I want because I can’t seem to adjust the picture on it, and it’s not quite the right size. It’s okay and certainly doable but it’s not awesome. Oh, and I also want to find some kind of piece of furniture to hold my printer. I don’t need a printer until the first of the month though, for critique group. I guess not even then, because we’re virtual for now. But eventually.

Eventually was my 999th word, so now I’m over 1,000. Wish it was as easy to write fiction as it is to blab on here.

Not a real update

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Nothing really to add here but I haven’t posted since this summer so now that it’s after Labor Day it seemed like it was right time to do it.

I am still plotting the NEW thing and it’s still a really good idea. It’s difficult to work on though. I think it has something to do with what I perceive as little to no progress in publishing for me. We aren’t supposed to compare ourselves to others but it’s difficult. I have had work on submission for almost five years now. Lots of positive rejections but no sales. It’s hard to identify what I am doing wrong and how to change it. It’s hard to get motivated to write another book when it may all come to nothing, again. I had a goal for several years. Write a good enough book to get an agent. And I stayed motivated and I met that goal. But the flatline I hit after that has not been easy to comprehend or work with.

I believe God has a plan for each of us. Is this not His plan for me? Is that why it just isn’t working out? I have been to therapists about this (and other issues) but I’ve never seemed to find the solution. Is this burnout? Is there a way back from it? I still have hope but I can’t seem to get the fire fully lit under me and I don’t know what to do about it.

Well, that got realer than I anticipated.

Something NEW

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I have started something new. I wanted to write it here so I’d remember the date and know that I believe I am on the precipice of something very important.

My current WIP is not going well. I can’t get into it. It’s a good story, and I like the characters, but writing feels too much like work at the moment. I need it to be more fun. The world is in chaos and I want to be able to lose myself to my work, as best I can.

I believe this is a middle grade. I haven’t done one in a while. I am working on the setting. This is different for me, because I feel the need to map out the world and plan out all the characters that live in this world before I even begin writing. I do have a feel for the soul of the main character, at least, although I do not know gender or much else. But I am starting to know who they are. But I want maps and information about all the areas on the maps and information on all the characters and their families and friends. Beyond main and secondary characters, to some degree.

Most times when I write I don’t plot out much. I tried it with the current WIP and I have it all and I know what’s going to happen, but it hasn’t captured my imagination. I don’t know why I feel even more plotting and planning will work, but hey, maybe it won’t. The thing is, I want to design this world and plan this town and all the people. It sounds fun to me. And hopefully when I’m finished I can give the people in it the story I am simmering in my mind.

For now I want to find some good software to build my maps in.