Down in the depths

I am down. Depressed, I guess. I’ve been here before.

The difference this time is I know how to fix it. But I can’t. Long story short (without spilling all the gruesome details) is that I feel that I am in a place where I can no longer be true to myself, and to what I believe my soul is called to do, in order to please someone else. Good joke is that the other person isn’t even happy with my efforts anyway. Which I suspected would happen.

And I know no one reads this, really, but if someone did, it would be so obvious that of course I shouldn’t compromise my own self and well-being and basically my SOUL for anyone else. But it’s not always that simple, I guess. Or maybe it is and I’m so messed up to even understand it.

Only a small handful of people know what’s going on with me, and those that do don’t really care about my truth or what is happening to me. I’m only told that I am wrong, and I must change. Do they not understand that denying my own internal truth is destroying me? I suspect they do, but they don’t care. No one cares enough to try to really understand me. Not something I can really be mad about, since it’s rather hard to explain it myself.

But. I do know that if I allowed to just be true to myself and to my understanding of God and the universe, I am happy. Blissfully, joyfully happy, optimistic, calm, and completely full of hope and peace. But no, they tell me. I’m wrong. I’m bad. I have to stop. I have to deny it all. It doesn’t matter if that sends me spiraling into a pit of confusion and darkness.

Can you imagine having all that internal peace and joy and completeness? I never could, until I discovered it and accepted it, along with everything else in my life and existence. Now imagine finding it, and then having to leave it behind. To place it on someone else’s altar, to please them, even though you are sacrificing yourself to a place where you are only focusing on the thought that at the end of this life, you will be able to be free from the denial of your own soul. Counting down the days, almost, even though there’s no way to know how many days are left.

Anyway. I’m not talking about writing, even though writing isn’t getting any better with this tied around my neck. And now I have critique group tomorrow and a writing retreat tomorrow and I don’t want to do either. I just want to do nothing in my bed and feel sorry for myself.

Sorry this was dark and weird. Like I said, I’m not great at explaining it. But I know I found my truth…and I had to turn my back on it. And it’s pretty awful. Hopefully things will be better soon. idk.

Back to School

Tomorrow is our first official day back for the year. I know it’s late. We homeschool.

So we have had school already, but it’s been around our dining room table. Or lounging on the couch. Tomorrow is our first day back to co-op.

This means that today I’m sitting at my desk, trying to work on my extensive to-do list and write this blog, but there’s two smallish people in here as well (one is actually larger than me, but whatever) and I’m trying to force them to read what they need to have done for tomorrow morning. One has to read the first four chapters of THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE and the other has to read “at least some” of THE BRONZE BOW. I have threatened that I will not be buying their school supplies for tomorrow if they do not accomplish this. This is an empty threat. Of course I am not sending them to class tomorrow without pencils or paper or binders. But so far I have them somewhat fooled. The older one continues to talk about everything and nothing, and the smaller cannot keep her hands off the cat and the dog (and she’s distracted by the fact that she is getting a guinea pig today, so help us all) but occasionally I hear a paperback page turning and so it’s fine. For now.

In the adult front, the man of the place and I are still sleeping on the hide-a-bed (don’t know if I mentioned that before) because the window air conditioning unit in our bedroom is throwing the breaker whenever it runs. I am sick of sleeping on the hide-a-bed and rolling into the center as I sleep. I am a person who prefers to not touch others as I sleep, so there’s a body pillow tucked between us. But I am still tired of battling the hill every night.

The man of the place is going back to work on Monday. I think this will help the rest of us to get back to our regular routines. He is going to have a heart procedure soon that troubles me, but I am just focusing on taking a deep breath and trusting in God no matter what the future brings. It will all be okay.

This was a weird blog post, and I apologize for that. But it felt kind of good to write and get it all out there.

So that’s that.

Lost in My Wonderland

My three awesome kids were in a cool show this past weekend and it’s going on this weekend too. Lost in My Wonderland is an original musical that was written by some friends of mine and has played already in New York and other states, but this is the Oklahoma premiere. So that’s cool.

Less cool is that my husband is currently in the hospital. I’m sitting next to him in one of those hospital recliners. He’s having heart problems and is getting an angiogram today. He’s 43. So that’s crazypants.

These another other amazing things keep getting in the way of my writing. I’m trying to focus better on getting the writing done first and the rest done later, and hopefully I will improve. I have a lit new planner so I’m expecting good things.

Anyway. Later, gators.

Photography

I’ve always enjoyed taking pictures and have taken thousands over the years. After I took a record setting number at my daughters’ annual dance recital, I decided to share them online in a more professional way.

The site I selected carries a yearly cost, so I am attempting to sell photos to recoup some of that cost. If you’d like to see the photos, they’re at garvie.smugmug.com.

I’m still uploading photos. (And some of the older ones aren’t that great or are mostly my children and those around them but I uploaded them anyway, just in case someone wants them.

Ice

Roads are iced over and it’s a good day to stay on the computer and write. I have to keep an eye on the smol people here and make sure they do their schoolwork and do chores, but other than that, I can try to focus. The husband is here because his work is shut down, so he’s watching TV in the room I’m trying to write in, but I have headphones and I can make it work.

I’m going to apply for a work in progress grant through SCBWI. They have to be turned in during March. I that will be a good thing to work for. I’m not sure which work to use (it’s supposed to be basically finished) but I’m sure one of them will work. I guess I’ll choose whichever 10 pages I feel is strongest. Maybe, Baby is a 10 page roller coaster ride, so maybe that. Applying will at least be something writersly besides continuing to write novels that are not being read by a much larger audience than myself, lol.

 

Writing retreat day 2

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Maybe not the greatest photo, since I took it with the computer camera just now, but this is my view this morning as I’m getting ready to work on the novel. It’s misty and a little rainy and it’s nice. Currently about 50 degrees, and I’m under a covered porch in long sleeves and sweats.

I went for a walk this morning. It’s hilly for sure around here, and one hill was pretty fierce, but it was good to get moving.

Last night we got in the hot tub. None of us had swim suits, so we just wore spare clothes. I had a pair of capri pants and a t-shirt, but the shirt kept filling with air. I tied it down with the strings on the front of the pants. That’s creativity for you. Afterward, Kim taught us to play Texas hold ’em (I think). We played for words and I ended up winning the most. So I got to assign those words to everyone else to add to their total goals for today. Of course, I felt weird about that, so I figured we could all just add about 500 to our goals and that would be good enough. I need to do more too.

My goal for the novel today is 3,500, plus the new 500 is 4,000. Actually, I’m hoping to somehow magically get closer to 5K. I haven’t done that much in a day in a long time, but this is really the ideal situation to do so. This morning when I was lounging in bed before getting up, I thought about how amazing it would be if I could do five today and tomorrow, and maybe three on Monday. That would be 15,000 in one weekend. The book would be at 20. I can’t beat up on myself if I can’t accomplish that (because I’m really not sure that I can) but it sure would be fabulous.

Yes, if you love math as much as I do, you now know that I did about 2,000 yesterday. Good but not great. Today I want to do great.

Thirty days of gratitude 28

What small thing that happened today are you grateful for?

So I’m kind of getting caught up on these. But it’s actually the 29th today. So should I do one from yesterday or today?

How about both? Yesterday I was grateful that my 14 year old son made dinner because I couldn’t be home until 7:30. And after dinner, my husband got me some ice cream and we ate it while we watched Great British Bake Off on Netflix. And that was pretty sweet.

Right now I am grateful because all three of my darling children are not here. They are at martial arts and dance. And the darling husband is still at work. And even though I love my family it is SO NICE to be by myself. Even the cats and dogs aren’t around me right now. It’s just me, and the computer, and a little Christmas music wafting in from the dining room. It’s quite grand.

And tonight we get to watch the season finale of GBBO. Which is lovely and also quite sad, alas.