I am kind of down today. I am okay, but I’m just a bit depressed. I have just been trying for so long now to be positive and thankful and joyful even when things seem difficult. And things have been difficult and appear to be not turning around anytime soon. I know there are good things in my life. I know that I have so many things to be thankful for. But it’s hard to be the one who is usually lifting up everyone else. I’m very tired and feeling really worn down today.

I am thankful for my home. I look at it today and see holes in the walls and missing mortar and loose bricks and the exposed areas on the north wall that let in so much cold last winter. I’m not feeling super positive about those things. But it’s the home I wanted and the home I got, and I do love the historical aspect of it. And the remodeled bathroom is really nice. Even though I really want to wash the shower curtain and it’s difficult for me to get down with what I call my bad arms, and I haven’t been able to get anyone to get it down for me. But maybe someone will help soon.

I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for my yard, even though I could point out a lot of things about it that bring me down as well. I’m glad it’s somewhat rural. I’m glad that it’s back far from the road.

I’m thankful to live in Tuttle, and in Oklahoma, and in the USA. I know that I am blessed beyond belief.

I will probably feel better tomorrow.

This is the entry for the 21st, but I am backdating it from the 22nd. I was thankful for a lot yesterday, though. I had a quiet, contemplative day. I thought about Jerry a lot. I thought about other loved ones that are no longer here. I prayed more than normal and spent time reminiscing.

I don’t have a job. Not a normal job, anyway. I consider myself a writer, even though none of my novels have been published. I’m a homeschool educator, but that is just an extension of “mom” for me, so it doesn’t feel like a job. I also started writing for the newspaper again recently, and I appreciate that work. It is nice to do that kind of thing without having to be too entrenched in the journalism world.

Anyway, I guess I am most grateful for the creative writing job. I am thankful for all the friends I have made on the path to publication. I’m thankful for all I’ve learned and all I’m still learning. I catch myself getting down about it, sometimes, but I know that if I’m not published yet, that’s how it’s supposed to be. And I can be grateful for that, too. I am glad that my writing is a way to express myself, and I’m thankful that I am somehow naturally good at writing. A lot of people have to really work at grammar and storytelling, but it seems innate to me. My writing has helped me process a lot of things, which is good because I barely understand myself.

So that’s what we’re going with today.

Today is a book. Should be perfect for me. I thought about writing about all of my books – or at least manuscripts – that I have written. I could also do the Bible, which I am obviously grateful for.

I’m going to do “I’m Gonna Bury You” by Gene Neill. It’s a self-published book that I first read in junior high. My church Sunday School teacher lent it to me. It’s about a man who lived a wild life, went to prison, found Jesus, got out, and became a preacher. Every time I read this book, I am filled with faith, and hope, and excitement at the power of God!

When I was having a terrible depressive episode about eight years ago, what finally pulled me out of it was Gene’s book. I reread it, and it gave me a lift, but not like it used to do. But for the first time, I noticed he mentioned a book he read, Power of Praise, by Merlin Carouthers. And that book! That book was all about thanking God in all circumstances, whether we perceive them as good or bad. God is in control of all and it’s all working out for His glory. Like the whole, “All things work together for the good of those who love God.” ALL THINGS. Not just the pleasant things. And if we fully trust God and His plan, we should be praising and thanking him for everything!

And there it is. My heart was troubled before I started writing this, worried about finances and what’s going to happen to our family. But now that I remember to praise God in everything and thank Him, I remember that everything is going to be okay. Even if it looks bad here. Even if we lose our house, or the cars, or even our very lives, God is in control and He wins! And we can be with Him for all eternity, right there with His glory.

I feel complete and at peace again.

I am so thankful for those books!

“I’m Gonna Bury You” on Amazon

“Power of Praise” on Amazon

This isn’t easy to do today. The question keeps reminding me of my stepdad, Jerry, who hospice said today is actively passing. My stepsister Dianna has been taking care of him for the last several years, while I’ve had Mom. Mom repeats herself a lot and asks questions again and again, and that’s hard, but nothing compared to what Dianna has had to do. Although his mind has been sharp the entire time, his body has been having trouble for about four years now, starting with a tick bite.

So I think about that, and the fact that many of take our bodies, and our mobility, for granted. But it can all go.

My body hurts a lot. I think it’s the connectivity tissue disorder the geneticist says Belinda and I have, probably Ehlers-Danlos. But I’m not as bad off as a lot the people in the groups on reddit and facebook that I follow. My rheumatologist thinks it is psoriatic arthritis, but that never seemed quite right to me. I don’t really have psoriasis. I do have a super dry scalp and very rarely a little red spot up in my hairline, but that doesn’t seem the same to me. But I think he came to that conclusion because that’s what I walked in his office asking about, since Marissa had that. And now I wonder if she had it too. Maybe her pain was all undiagnosed Ehlers-Danlos. Her skin was really soft and makes me think of the velvety skin they said some EDS people have.

I’m not going to pick one thing. I’m thankful for my entire body. The good parts and the bad parts. I don’t treat it well; I don’t eat great and I don’t exercise enough and I’m on too many medications right now. But I’m trying. Hopefully as my weight comes down I can get off the medications and feel better. And do better.

I am thankful for the painful parts. I know that God has me experiencing this for a reason. Maybe it’s so Belinda could get a diagnosis and not have to go through whave over the years. Maybe it’s for all my kids and future issues. Maybe it’s something else. Doesn’t matter.

This is such a solemn day. 🙁

I’m sort of hard to make laugh. I only do it for what I consider to be Very Good Things. Ben can make me laugh. Lots of times my kids make me laugh. They all say that I made them funny but not laughing at things they did that I didn’t find amusing, so they had to keep trying harder and harder to get me. And they are all very funny, so I guess that worked.

Another thing that makes me laugh is Ylvis, as posted about earlier. One thing that liking the humor of Ylvis did for me is that it got to to watch Season 1 of Kongen Befaler, which means The King Commands and is Taskmaster in Norway. I watch it with subtitles and it really does make me laugh. And that led me to Taskmaster. And boy do I love Taskmaster too. I’ve watched all the British seasons and some of the other versions. I think there is a new season out now and I’ve been waiting to watch it. That will be a very nice thing to do in November, I think.

I am smiling right now thinking about watching Taskmaster with my dear friends Greg Davies and Little Alex Horne.

These shows are so SMART, you know? So you get to laugh and you get to think, and you get to solve things. It’s such a good combination.

It’s funny because Marissa used to love her Britcoms on PBS and tried to get me to watch them and I was like, yuck, no, I can’t even understand those people. When Ben and I watched Shaun of the Dead, I had to put on subtitles. But then Ben and I watched Downtown Abbey and Great British Bake Off and then Taskmaster, and I don’t have a problem with the accents at all. I really don’t understand how I ever did.

And I’m so glad I can watch it so easily now because the funny things I have found matches up with my sense of humor to a T!

I filled out my Secret Sister form for church today. I hope I do a good job and help her to feel loved. Sometimes I let time get away from me. I’m going to start praying for whoever mine is tonight! I don’t know who she is yet, but God does.

Something You Use Daily is today’s prompt.

I am thankful for a lot of things I use daily. I think I will choose to be extra grateful and elevate our running water above all else.

We have lost water several times here. Our system needs electricity to run, and so if we don’t have power for whatever reason, we don’t have water. We’ve also had the pump go out or other issues with the well. We’ve been without water for weeks at a time before. We always make it work, but it sure is nice to have all the running water you want at the touch of a handle.

I think you don’t really appreciate all the showering, and hand washing, and flushing, and animal watering, and cooking, and cleaning, until you don’t have easy water anymore.

I am thankful for running water!!