General thoughts

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I have been having a more difficult time as of late. It is interesting to see that, after so much time feeling very collected and peaceful, I have finally hit a snag.

Mom is getting worse. The dementia has reached a level that is very hard for me to handle. I am not sure how to make this work and keep my peace and my own sanity. The stress of it is making me less patient with others as well. Today Mom was asking me questions and Sarah was also upset with me about something and it was just so much that I started wrenching the lid on the jar of peanuts I was holding. I felt like I needed to hit myself to stop the energy dashing all over inside of me and regain control. But I did not, and I’m proud of myself. I am so thankful for Ben, who saw my distress and handled it for me. I fled to the porch and then to the yard, to a chair I have put in a corner where I can hopefully just be alone and rest. I did feel God’s peace and love after a bit, and I was quietly singing It is Well with My Soul, but I still felt that energy zapping inside of me. It is really a struggle to deal with that.

I finally came back inside but I am still by myself. I read some of the book I’m trying to get through, Worlds in Collision by Immanuel Velikowsky. It’s interesting but it is DENSE. I can still feel that energy. it’s not a good energy. It’s a wild energy and it makes me feel dreadful. I probably sound crazy talking about it, but it really is difficult to describe. This is the best I can do right now.

Tomorrow I am going as a chaperone for the school band trip to Dallas. I felt like Sarah would need more support since she doesn’t really have friends in the band. I am not sure what all will be involved but I know it’s not just party time for me; I really have to watch and help, and that will not be easy. When I dropped her off at school today I told her I was looking forward to tomorrow and also dreading it. She said, “Me too,” and that helps some. We are two birds of a feather in a lot of ways.

I opened some windows today because the house felt stuffy and smelly. I’m in a room with an open window now and there is just the loudest frog outside! I went to the window and tried to see it, and then it was very quiet because it’s so close. I stood still and it trilled again and it was so noisy! I am glad it’s so happy out there. I love frogs. Or toads. Whatever they are here. They are wonderful.

I hope Ben remembers to take care of everybody here while I’m gone.

I am also planning to go to the SCBWI Oklahoma-Arkansas spring conference in Tulsa next weekend! I almost didn’t. But I finally realized that I really did want to. So I am.

I am thankful, still. I need to remember that. And I need to pray more!

Stuck food

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Last week Belinda got food stuck in her esophagus. It happens sometimes, but this was a particularly bad one. She’d gotten a hot dog from Sonic (as an 18 year old does sometimes), even though bread can be difficult. So it got stuck. She got some of it out but not the stuck part. And it hurt. It hurt her chest and gave her the feeling like her “ribs are being opened up.” She couldn’t drink water or anything – it all came back up. She called me and we talked through some stuff but nothing worked. She couldn’t study; she couldn’t sleep. She didn’t want to go to the emergency room. I wasn’t sure if she should, anyway, because I don’t think just anyone should be poking around in her esophagus, you know?

She finally got a little rest and the next day it was still stuck. She felt even worse. She ended up missing some classes and I think she did the ones virtually that allowed it. She hates to miss class! I reached out to Children’s National and they wanted her to not go to the emergency room if she could stand it. Later that day she started feeling dizzy and she said she blacked out except for a tiny spot in the center of her vision. Of course, she did not tell me that until the next day, after she had finally gotten it down and gotten to eat again, and things were better.

This morning in church we prayed for her. The pastor prayed for absolute healing, and that she wouldn’t ever have to deal with this again, for the rest of her life. That would be very wonderful.

We are going to schedule a virtual follow up with Children’s National. We are going to do it during Spring Break so she and I can be together for the zoom call.

We also had appointments tomorrow with the Ehlers-Danlos doctor in Tulsa, but we rescheduled those for June, again so it will be during a break. We need to get those on a June-December schedule (they’re six month visits).

I don’t know how to help from here, which is hard. I told her to please try to always eat something that will go down before eating something dicey, like a hot dog. I told her to keep some yogurt or something on hand just in case. The dizzy and blacking out part is so very not okay!

I really want to think of some things I can send with her after spring break that will help. I’m not sure what yet. Hopefully it will come to me.

A small update

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It is surprising that it has been a month and a day since I wrote anything on here last. I have been very busy with medical and other things. Right now I am with Sarah at a dentist appointment, but I wanted to write something because I recently got the Finch app to try to be more productive, and I put “write something” on it and so I must write something. I did write a poem a few days ago, when I was in OKC for my yearly lady appointment.

Upon leaving an appt in the city

It’s fun to pretend to be a real person.
I think this thought as I travel the sidewalk
Like everyone else.
You are a real person, I remind myself.
But it’s okay; I know what I meant.

So anyway, I had the urge and so I wrote that. Because the thought was interesting to me.

I got a 2500 grant for ACT I this month and that’s the first one I’ve done. It felt really good to help in that way.

Cleaning

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Ben is at work today and I cleaned house all morning. It seems that I don’t mind cleaning. What I do mind is people lounging around the house while I am cleaning.

Mom doesn’t count!

Now it’s time to get a lot of busywork done. I have a lot of newspaper and health things that I have been putting off and that’s what’s next. I want to read the next Dungeon Crawler Carl book (I’m on book 4, The Gate of the Feral Gods) but I shall not. At least I can do one responsible thing first!

A job!

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Ben has a new job. He started on Friday and worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He works from 6 am to 6 pm every day, or close to that, at least. It’s like in Midwest City or thereabouts. It’s not computer related. He’s a machine operator for a business that makes airplane parts. Ben R works there and that’s how he got the job. He could have interviewed there a year ago. But we kept thinking the mainframe job was just around the corner. Or the next corner.

I also wasn’t super excited about this opportunity because it is Aetna insurance. The insurer that doesn’t play nice with SSM Health, which is who almost all my doctors are with. Matter of fact, when Ben started job hunting, I said, “Take any full-time job you can find, but please try to not do anything with Aetna for insurance!” So here we are.

That hasn’t kicked in quite yet, so I am still seeing my regular doctors for now, and basically telling them goodbye. I will not be going to anyone new for a very long time. I’m still holding out hope that I do not have to part way with the entire support system I set up for myself. I can still pay out-of-pocket with my regular doctor at least a couple of times a year – I think that’s around $80 (we had to do this whole thing once before when his old employer had Aetna).

Ben hasn’t gotten paid yet. It is much less than what he made before, and that’s another concern of mine. The benefits we were receiving will stop. There will be cash, yes, but I’m not sure it will handle all of our needs, especially with medical co-pays returning to our lives. And now it feels like it would be weird to go to food pantries. He has a job. We need to make this work. Somehow.

However! I do know who can provide for all of our needs, and that is God! I sometimes forget to keep that at the forefront, especially when I am writing down what’s currently underway in our lives. but I know that He absolutely has this. And we will be completely fine (even though my vision of fine might not the same as God’s!)

We’re okay.

Thank you all for the prayers. Ben is still looking for something that uses more of his mainframe skills, so here’s hoping!

I have been going to Mustang in the mornings after I drop off Sarah at school, spending some time at the gym before going to the library to write. That’s where I am right now. I spent an hour or so on the novel, just trying to set up scaffolding stuff in Scrivener. This is going to be totally different than anything I’ve ever written, and I can’t really just write it down in a linear fashion by the seat of my pants. I absolutely have to have a lot of stuff set up ahead of time to make this thing happen. But when I am at the library with my headphones on, I can finally relax and get some work done on it. At home, I’m always tense, wondering who is going to come up to me and pull me out of my work to ask me to do something for them. And every little thing in the house that needs to be done also beckons to me. But I did this last week and I’ve done it this week, even though today I did not want to! A big key part is having to take Sarah to school. Then I’m already out so it’s not so hard to go to Mustang. I do have to look like less of a frazzled hag when I drop off Sarah though – there’s no going back home or I would just stay there!

I have a lot of things to do at home today. I need to reschedule all my PT appointments. They have been on Fridays, but with Ben working on Fridays I can’t do that anymore. I am very thankful he has been at home to help me with all this hard stuff with Mom and Sarah. I wish I’d been coming to the library and working a lot more in the past, but I suppose what happened in the past is what was supposed to happen. It’s okay. No ragrets, am I right?

So there’s that, and then I need to do DRS paperwork for Sarah and find out what Belinda needs to do for hers. I want her to try to do it herself but I feel I’m going to need to do some research on that before she dives in.

The other thing I need to do is resume scanning important documents. I was doing really well on that, and then the holidays came and it was all too much so I put that project away. I am trying to not only scan our important documents, but also all of Mom’s, and Mom has a LOT. I think that getting all of these scanned and uploaded to Dropbox and on my big hard drive is super important. I just really don’t want to do it!

With Lenora and Ben R no longer in the apartment, I do have some space free. I have been thinking about doing something temporary out there, with just the card table, to work on the scanning project. Separating it from everything else might be a good way to proceed. Everything I do feels so jumbled up in my mind right now. I need to organize my new novel and I need to organize my entire life!

Last thing, I’m reading the Dungeon Crawler Carl series and it is amazing.

This post was all over the place. That’s okay.

Ways you were your best self this year

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Last day. That makes me think of the chapter “Last Day” in Charlotte’s Web, which is one of the most powerful chapters in literature I know. I did a performance of it as a prose when I was a sophomore in high school, and I remember making the whole room – including the judges – break into tears.

But this is not that. This is “December Journaling if You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year,” and today is Ways You Were Your Best Self This Year.

I don’t like to brag on myself, because I know that any good is me is from God. I credit Him with my not freaking out, or getting depressed, or having a pity party while we have been going through financial difficulty. I credit Him for the times when I have apologized, the times when I have done more than I thought was really my fair share, the times when I have been hurt but did my best not to repay hurt with hurt. It’s truly not me, though. It’s God.

I want to finish this year by saying that if you do not have a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ, it is the most fulfilling thing in my life. Everything hinges off of it, and without it, I would have nothing. I invite you to ask me any questions about it, or visit your local Bible-believing church to find out more. Eternity has already started, and I know my life is worth living because He is in me!

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life. -John 3:16

A heartwarming interaction from the year

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Well, it’s the last day of the year. I have this prompt and one more, and I will have completed “December Journaling if you Feel Like You Haven’t Accomplished Much This Year.” This, the penultimate entry, is A Heartwarming Interaction From the Year.

It’s hard to say. I’ve had heartwarming interactions with many members of my family this year. The first one that comes to mind is when I went to see Sarah after her first band competition, and when I walked up she was so excited and happy, and she hugged me sooo tightly and thanked me for making her do band! That was such a great moment.

How wonderful it is to feel loved and appreciated!

A poem I wrote at the children’s hospital

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I wrote this while we were in the waiting room at Children’s National Hospital earlier this month. I don’t know if the quality is that great, since I wrote it and didn’t really edit it at all, but I felt like I had to try to capture the space, and the mood, and the feel. It was one of the most poetic places I have been in a while. The poem doesn’t seem to follow many writing rules, but it was what was happening around me. I wrote this in the notes app since I didn’t have any paper.

Children’s hospital

Forgotten crayon on the floor
Yellow, alone on polished cold tile
Mickey and Minnie frolic on tv
Above a woman with her head in her hands
Children’s cries. Cranky. Tired.
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Bright painted walls. Blue, green, purple
Elmo, Moana, colored carefully or scribbled
Equally displayed, Scotch taped to doors
Edges flap as blue paper cap wearers
Rush through. Hurry, hurry
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Quarts of hand sanitizer
Join tinsel and gnomes by the silvery tree
No eating
No drinking
Kids hunger and thirst, parents must too
“Take it out,” warns reception. Offenders comply.
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Filling out forms, swiping through phones
Texting ‘no news yet’ to loved ones at home
An empty car seat at the feet of Grandma
Waiting for good news
And a small one back in her arms
Mom with tan backpack called out with her teen
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

Dad grips white bag of somebody’s clothes
Twists the band strapped to his wrist,
Bar code printed by somebody’s name
Mama brings in a very small wheelchair
Warm jacket and marble game tucked
In the seat
Speaks on her phone in an unknown language
Smiles and laughs, then her voice goes soft
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

My child hungers. She closes her book
And now scrolls cat memes, sharing a curated handful with me
“I think that’s A.I.” I say, and
She doesn’t mind. Her leg bounces lightly
Betraying her calm cool classy demeanor
Our pager lies silent, useless, as we shift in hard seats
Kids’ waiting room at the surgical center.

A beautiful moment in nature from the year

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Well, well, well, “December Journaling if you feel like you haven’t achieved anything this year,” we have made it to Day 29: A beautiful moment in nature from the year. And today is Dec. 30, so I’m practically caught up. I think I’ll save the last two for tomorrow though. I’m enjoying writing at the library but I intended to work on my novel. I always tell myself that blogging is my time to warm up, but it’s really a delay tactic. Real writing is HARD, ya’ll.

So my first thought was Spring Break, when we went to Roman Nose State Park and took a super long hiking trip. I should have put that, and Krislyn and my walks in Oklahoma City on my accomplishments in an earlier post but no turning back!

Anyway, Roman Nose. It was Ben and me, Krislyn, Lenora, Belinda, and Sarah. Krislyn and Belinda were super in shape and ready to hike the 10 miles or whatever we did. Sarah was the worst off. The rest of us lay somewhere in the middle. We were just getting a geocache. But wow, what a long, not well marked trail it was – especially since the normal trail was closed for construction, with nary a sign with that information until you were upon the closed area!

We also had a beautiful moment in nature at Gatlinburg, when we were outside the public library. It was just so very pretty.

This last one was from one of Krislyn and my walks (or maybe there was just one walk, that’s a little blurry now). Anyway, there was a lot of not pretty stuff on that walk, but there were a few pretty moments. Krislyn probably took this picture.

A memorable journey from the year

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“December Journaling if You Think You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” Day 28: A memorable journey from the year.

One thing that was memorable was Belinda’s final dance nationals competition. I got credit cards to pay for it, which I know wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I was unable to even consider not letting her do it. Getting to see her dance like that one last time was so wonderful. It was also really special to have that week where it was just Ben, Belinda, and me. We didn’t go too crazy with spending but we ate out a few times and I bought passes to go to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, the Ripley’s Aquarium, and some Ripley’s mini golf thing. I really just did it for the aquarium, but the other things were interesting too. And Belinda loves mini golf. We got to go with her duet tap partner and her family. It was fun hanging out with them. We also went to the library, rode the free trolley a LOT, explored, went through the national forest, saw a lot of cool things. And I got to spend time with just Belinda. I am so glad we had that time before she went to college in August. I can treasure that forever. One thing I did not do is post any pictures onto facebook about it, because I was waiting for the dance media to go along with the post, but now I can’t even remember what I’ve done with that now. I’m sure it’s all saved on the hard drive, but I would like to do a post about it, so it will be in my memories each year. I’m thinking I will do it on the one year anniversary. Along with Bennett and Mia’s wedding. One year anniversary isn’t even a month away for that, so I need to gather my photos now!

Another memorable journey was Karlene and my journey to support Sarah’s first year in marching band. We went to almost all the football games (Northwestern Parents Day got in the way one time, and the haunted house at the theater was the other) and not only did we get to see her perform, we also got to watch the Tigers have an undefeated season and win state! Sarah had never been to a Tuttle football game before this. What a way to start! Not only that, we got to see the band perform their routine at competitions and I really enjoyed that. Sarah was always so happy to see me there. Made my heart joyful! And Karlene and I traveled to out of town games, had dinner together at interesting places, and stayed the night in a very odd motel. We spent the night because the next day we all buried Sarah’s stepmom’s ashes, and that was quite a journey in itself. And it’s not quite over, since she doesn’t have a headstone yet. That can be a 2026 project.

And it’s not really traveling, but this journey through being “poverty people” (a Righteous Gemstones reference that I adopted) was extremely memorable. Food pantries, medical issues, financial assistance, cutoff notices, watching our bank account dip below zero once again, pushing pride to the side to accept help from other people, and still knowing that God has held all of us through all of it has been so good for our family. I would have rather learned these lessons without being so strapped, but I know that if this is the path God chose it was the right one for us! I am so thankful for everything that has happened this year.