Category Archives: Thankful

Out of the miry bog

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So nine days ago I made a very morose post about how I felt forsaken. I truly did feel that, and I had felt it for a few days before I posted about it. I don’t remember ever feeling that before. I don’t know why it came over me. I have tried to stay as positive as I could during all the many trials and changes that have hit us over the last few years. I think it was just that it was…so long. And I had begun to think that it would never end, this side of heaven.

The next day, I posted that suddenly I had hope again. Ben had good, hopeful news and then everything felt shiny and new again. It’s amazing how just one thing can change your whole outlook on everything.

It was a job. A developer job. An offer – contingent on passing the background check. And then Friday – the day after Belinda and my birthday – he got the official job offer. And it is unbelievable how that one thing has changed so much within me.

Now Ben has been working. I didn’t post much about it, but he currently has a job manufacturing airplane parts. He has to be at work at 5 a.m., Monday through Thursday, and he comes home sore from the work. We were thankful for the job but I know it was hard for him, and it also wasn’t a job he was passionate about. He turned in his notice on Monday. It really is a great company – just not programming.

The new job is with the state. Ben worked for the state for a very long time before the state insurance fund privatized, and he still has state retirement built up. And now he will be with the state again. And it will be working with COBOL. He works there in person for the first two weeks, and then it’s a hybrid position, working at the office and also from his home office. It sounds like a dream come true.

He’ll make less than he made before losing his job originally, but it’s more than the current job, and that should help a lot. We’ve already talked about how we can pay down any debt that we’ve incurred while we were moving through this difficult time. That feels so good to hope and plan for!

Ben also seems so much more optimistic and happy this past week. I know it’s been awfully hard on him to go through this. He was starting to think he would never work in the mainframe again. But God had other plans!

Bonus! I’ll be able to return to my doctors at SSM Health. I’ve gone to them for so long but when he got the current job the insurance they had wasn’t in network with all my doctors that I knew and trusted. So I just haven’t gone to the doctor this year.

He starts the new job on the 24th. I’m so happy.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.” Psalm 40:1-2

I am glad God is a merciful God because my patience seems like it had finally run out! He heard my cry.

Birthday!

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Yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day! This year was extra special because my family made a big effort to not have me do anything for planning. And I’ve had to plan this day since Belinda was also born on it, 19 years ago.

I remember when I was pregnant with Belinda, people would ask if I’d love it if the baby was born on my birthday and I said I would definitely not, because then it wouldn’t be “my” birthday anymore. But God had other plans!

Since that first year together I have thrown a lot of birthday parties. Family would come for the party and ask me where my cake was. Like I was going to make two cakes. We never even finish one cake. And honestly, I didn’t feel like it was my responsiblity to also make or buy my cake! I would always get some gifts, of course. But the day has been primarily Belinda’s since 2007.

This year she had her friends over on August 4, and she planned most of the fun herself. She talked Lenora into making her an ube roll cake. She borrowed chess sets from Bennett to have a chess tournament. She asked me to pay for pizza, which I gladly did. I didn’t feel good that day but I still sang and watched her blow out the candles. It was a good time.

She told me not to worry about our shared birthday, and that she would handle it. My only concern was that since she had a cake already, she wouldn’t want one on the shared birthday, but I said I would be sad if she didn’t have cake and candles that day.

So the morning of the birthday, I woke up early to take Sarah to band. When I got to the car, I saw that my broken window, which Ben had duct taped closed, had fallen farther in the heat. It was almost half way down. Temperatures have been over 100 lately.

But it was morning, it wasn’t hot yet, and I thought, “Well, I’m going to do a drive through for my breakfast.” I haven’t done anything like that since it broke a few weeks ago, so this was actually a treat! I had black duct tape hanging off it, which was a little embarrassing, but I got Sarah to the school and then ordered Sonic on my app. Junior sausage breakfast burrito with added bacon (birthday decadence) and a small order of tots. One dollar tip. I drove to Sonic and went to the drive through and gave my name. I got to the window and the girl did the very, very slightest flinch at all the duct tape but then she said nothing and neither did I. I worked at McDonalds. I know this girl has also seen many windows in disrepair and mine was not the worst she’d seen. But I got the bag and drove straight home because I didn’t buy a drink.

Ording Sonic from the parking lot at the school.

Waiting at the window!

Got inside, got my water, opened the sack…inside was a largish white sack. Odd. Maybe they were out of little tot bags and put the burrito and tots all togethr in this white sack.

Inside the sack was seven mozzarella sticks.

Birthday cheese surprise!

So I ate mozzarella sticks for breakfast! I only ate three and then put the others away and Bennett ate them when he came by for lunch. They were warm and ready and nice and I wonder who got my burrito! I rarely order mozzarella sticks because I know I can buy frozen ones way cheaper and heat them in the air fryer (although I don’t do that much anymore either) so it was a real treat to have them. Belinda noted that mozzarella sticks aren’t a breakfast item at Sonic, even though they can do them then. Lenora, Bennett, and Belinda all commented that mozzarella sticks dont even come in a seven-stick size. I was unaware my children were all so versed in the available sizes of items at Sonic. So it was a real mystery how this happened, but it wasn’t a terrible one.

I took care of Mom’s morning stuff and it wasn’t that bad, probably because I hadn’t had to do it since Sunday. It seems that when I don’t have to do it repeatedly I can handle it better, who would’ve thought.

I watered the plants and took some photos. Harvested a tomato and some strawberries and my first blackberries!

Birthday harvest.

That afternoon Belinda went to Mustang and brought home my favorite meal, an absolute treat. I still have half of it in the refrigerator, and I’m excited at having the rest of it. We watched a crime documentary, a guilty favorite for us both.

Family came over that night and Ben R and Lenora brought dinner. Lenora made me some homemade cinnamon rolls. She is a very good baker! She just started making her own rolls and this was my first time to have any. Bennett and Mia brought the chantilly cake I’d asked for months ago, from the grocery store in town. It had to be pre-ordered – a big ask for our family – but it happened! It had both Belinda and my initials on it. The second half of the ube cake was also brought out but we didn’t get more candles so Mia ended up putting all we had (15) on the chantilly cake and Belinda and I blew them out together. Krislyn and Gary and Sarah were there after rehearsal for Tarzan and we just hung out more.

Chantilly cake after I got the candles out. It was so good!

Ben wanted to get some stepping stones out of the van since we’re taking it to Alva today to move some things for Belinda, and Bennett and Ben R helped with that. Then Ben R and Mia started helping me clean out the weeds in the flowerbed! It went so fast and made me so, so happy. I feel pretty hopeful about getting the soaker hoses moved and the mulch put down and the stepping stones put in place now. Bennett got two of the weird melons that have characteristics of both cantaloupe and watermelon picked. One had a soft spot and another one had cracked. I’d noticed them that morning. I thought good, we’ll figure out what these are. There’s still five left. They were supposed to be Orange Crisp watermelons.

Final hope that it might not be a cantaloupe...

CANTALOUPE! Womp-womp.

So athough these melons are bigger than cantaloupe and are not ripe yet even though they’ve been here long enough to be done if they’re cantaloupe, they are indeed cantaloupe on the inside, or something very like it. I tasted a bit and it was quite cantaloupe-y. I don’t care for cantaloupe and I have been growing seven of them in my front flowerbed!

These were a bit underripe, according to Ben R, who likes cantaloupe, so these went to the chickens, who I’m sure were delighted to find them this morning. I have reduced watering efforts on the rest of the vine, so hopefully the other five don’t split. All my early-summer watermelon dreams are now pinned to a single sugar baby melon on the other side of the flowerbed. We shall see.

So everyone left, I put the cake in the fridge, I loaded the dishwasher and watched a youtube podcast and then went to bed. A very good birthday. I really don’t know when I have had a more satisfying birthday.

This morning I got up and watered everything and then thought I could totally sit on the porch and type everything out. The hummingbirds have been coming and getting nectar and this one that makes little squeaking noises when he drinks honestly came up about two feet away from my face and studied me, just hovering there, and it was awesome. I have seen two at the same time, but I think there are probably more. They are even drinking most of the nectar before I have to refill because it gets old. I just watched another one come and drink from the vincas and then from a cucumber flower. That’s really nice. I’m glad I saw it. I haven’t seen any ruby throated ones, just the more plain ones, but they are very neat. It seemed like we had hardly any for so long, and now there are more. I’m guessing these are babies that have grown up here this summer.

When I came down to the kitchen this morning to take care of the dishes, there was a big cat vomit on the kitchen floor and while I was in there Rosemary created two more gross puddles. I emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it, restarted it, did the hand wash dishes, and ignored the cat vomits! It’s not my birthday anymore but I’m just going to sit here and watch hummingbirds and listen to the wind chimes a little bit more before the rest of the day gets going. Cat barfies can wait!

End of July

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Things are a little better. I’ve been praying more and I turned the dial off of local oldies and back to Christian radio; maybe that’s part of it. I was pretty much dreading this week but it’s okay. I’m just tired.

I’ve been in the car SO MUCH and it’s so freaking hot, ha ha. My window doesn’t roll down at the moment but Ben did a great job taping it up. The only bummer is that it’s difficult to drive through anywhere, so I don’t, and that greatly reduces quick stops for a nice cold drink or frozen treat. Cause getting out is such a bummer.

Anyway, I had to drive Sarah to and from band each day. I’ve been giving Bennett rides to work, but there is some forward momentum on his car getting fixed, hooray! I also have to drive Sarah to and from the theater each day. I sure wish she had her drivers’ license. It’s difficult to get her enough driving hours. But I also have some help coming on that, so hopefully that works out soon. I would really rather her be able to drive herself to the little places she has to go in town!

Then Mom had to go to the dentist. I took her on Monday. And her caregiver couldn’t come on Monday. So after getting Sarah to band, I got mom changed and got her meds and got her breakfast and then took her all the way to Oklahoma City (a whole hour to her dentist, bleah) and got in the parking garage and got a ticket from the machine (had to open my door and get out, fun) then we walked from the garage to the building and it was soooo hot. She kept saying she couldn’t make it and I was like, “Well, you have to, you can’t just sit down on the ground,” and we made it. Got directions from the front desk, took the elevator upstairs, got to the clinic, and THE APPOINTMENT WAS ON WEDNESDAY.

Back down the elevator, back across the desert plains, back to the parking garage, back to the car, got to the attendant and had to open the door again, hilarious, and drove back to Tuttle. We stopped and got Sarah from band. We did not get a cold drink or ice cream because there was no way with the broken window. Then Sarah had theater and I had to work on my stories for the paper but anyway.

I wrote newspaper stuff on Tuesday and then on Wednesday the caregiver came and I got Sarah to band, Bennett to work, and Krislyn and I went to a theater meeting. That went well. As soon as I got back I got Mom in the car and we repeated Monday. But this time Karlene had told me about the shuttle system and so we got to do the shuttle from the parking garage, which helped greatly, and of course, her appointment actually happened. I read in the waiting room. Mom’s hygenist is Leah and she is really nice.

So yeah. Then today I got the program done for the theater and they look good. Got all the driving the people all the places done. Sent an email to someone for another story for the paper.

I’m still not writing on my novel. That’s what I really feel like I should be doing. But other than that, it’s okay for now.

I finished Dungeon Crawler Carl book 8. Now I’m reading Six of Crows. It’s the favorite book of someone I love, so I’m glad I’m getting time to read it. I’d like to do the audiobooks of the Dungeon Crawler Carl series soon.

I miss doing things at the theater, but I know I just can’t do that right now. I miss my SCBWI meetings and friends, but I guess it’s not the season for that either. I keep going back and forth. Keep fighting the waves and try to keep writing? Or just let go and drift for now – maybe forever? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

My garden looks nice. One cucumber plant died. But I spilled some birdseed a while back and there’s a big sunflower now. Also what I’m guessing is millet? So that’s interesting.

I’ve eaten watermelon every day for like the past five days. And a lot of Oklahoma peaches. So I realy don’t see how things could be that terrible. Would I still like to let go of some of the things I do? Yes. Would I still like to rest just a bit more? Yes. But it’s okay. Today it is okay.

I am thankful. And I am tired.

General thoughts

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I have been having a more difficult time as of late. It is interesting to see that, after so much time feeling very collected and peaceful, I have finally hit a snag.

Mom is getting worse. The dementia has reached a level that is very hard for me to handle. I am not sure how to make this work and keep my peace and my own sanity. The stress of it is making me less patient with others as well. Today Mom was asking me questions and Sarah was also upset with me about something and it was just so much that I started wrenching the lid on the jar of peanuts I was holding. I felt like I needed to hit myself to stop the energy dashing all over inside of me and regain control. But I did not, and I’m proud of myself. I am so thankful for Ben, who saw my distress and handled it for me. I fled to the porch and then to the yard, to a chair I have put in a corner where I can hopefully just be alone and rest. I did feel God’s peace and love after a bit, and I was quietly singing It is Well with My Soul, but I still felt that energy zapping inside of me. It is really a struggle to deal with that.

I finally came back inside but I am still by myself. I read some of the book I’m trying to get through, Worlds in Collision by Immanuel Velikowsky. It’s interesting but it is DENSE. I can still feel that energy. it’s not a good energy. It’s a wild energy and it makes me feel dreadful. I probably sound crazy talking about it, but it really is difficult to describe. This is the best I can do right now.

Tomorrow I am going as a chaperone for the school band trip to Dallas. I felt like Sarah would need more support since she doesn’t really have friends in the band. I am not sure what all will be involved but I know it’s not just party time for me; I really have to watch and help, and that will not be easy. When I dropped her off at school today I told her I was looking forward to tomorrow and also dreading it. She said, “Me too,” and that helps some. We are two birds of a feather in a lot of ways.

I opened some windows today because the house felt stuffy and smelly. I’m in a room with an open window now and there is just the loudest frog outside! I went to the window and tried to see it, and then it was very quiet because it’s so close. I stood still and it trilled again and it was so noisy! I am glad it’s so happy out there. I love frogs. Or toads. Whatever they are here. They are wonderful.

I hope Ben remembers to take care of everybody here while I’m gone.

I am also planning to go to the SCBWI Oklahoma-Arkansas spring conference in Tulsa next weekend! I almost didn’t. But I finally realized that I really did want to. So I am.

I am thankful, still. I need to remember that. And I need to pray more!

A job!

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Ben has a new job. He started on Friday and worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He works from 6 am to 6 pm every day, or close to that, at least. It’s like in Midwest City or thereabouts. It’s not computer related. He’s a machine operator for a business that makes airplane parts. Ben R works there and that’s how he got the job. He could have interviewed there a year ago. But we kept thinking the mainframe job was just around the corner. Or the next corner.

I also wasn’t super excited about this opportunity because it is Aetna insurance. The insurer that doesn’t play nice with SSM Health, which is who almost all my doctors are with. Matter of fact, when Ben started job hunting, I said, “Take any full-time job you can find, but please try to not do anything with Aetna for insurance!” So here we are.

That hasn’t kicked in quite yet, so I am still seeing my regular doctors for now, and basically telling them goodbye. I will not be going to anyone new for a very long time. I’m still holding out hope that I do not have to part way with the entire support system I set up for myself. I can still pay out-of-pocket with my regular doctor at least a couple of times a year – I think that’s around $80 (we had to do this whole thing once before when his old employer had Aetna).

Ben hasn’t gotten paid yet. It is much less than what he made before, and that’s another concern of mine. The benefits we were receiving will stop. There will be cash, yes, but I’m not sure it will handle all of our needs, especially with medical co-pays returning to our lives. And now it feels like it would be weird to go to food pantries. He has a job. We need to make this work. Somehow.

However! I do know who can provide for all of our needs, and that is God! I sometimes forget to keep that at the forefront, especially when I am writing down what’s currently underway in our lives. but I know that He absolutely has this. And we will be completely fine (even though my vision of fine might not the same as God’s!)

We’re okay.

Thank you all for the prayers. Ben is still looking for something that uses more of his mainframe skills, so here’s hoping!

I have been going to Mustang in the mornings after I drop off Sarah at school, spending some time at the gym before going to the library to write. That’s where I am right now. I spent an hour or so on the novel, just trying to set up scaffolding stuff in Scrivener. This is going to be totally different than anything I’ve ever written, and I can’t really just write it down in a linear fashion by the seat of my pants. I absolutely have to have a lot of stuff set up ahead of time to make this thing happen. But when I am at the library with my headphones on, I can finally relax and get some work done on it. At home, I’m always tense, wondering who is going to come up to me and pull me out of my work to ask me to do something for them. And every little thing in the house that needs to be done also beckons to me. But I did this last week and I’ve done it this week, even though today I did not want to! A big key part is having to take Sarah to school. Then I’m already out so it’s not so hard to go to Mustang. I do have to look like less of a frazzled hag when I drop off Sarah though – there’s no going back home or I would just stay there!

I have a lot of things to do at home today. I need to reschedule all my PT appointments. They have been on Fridays, but with Ben working on Fridays I can’t do that anymore. I am very thankful he has been at home to help me with all this hard stuff with Mom and Sarah. I wish I’d been coming to the library and working a lot more in the past, but I suppose what happened in the past is what was supposed to happen. It’s okay. No ragrets, am I right?

So there’s that, and then I need to do DRS paperwork for Sarah and find out what Belinda needs to do for hers. I want her to try to do it herself but I feel I’m going to need to do some research on that before she dives in.

The other thing I need to do is resume scanning important documents. I was doing really well on that, and then the holidays came and it was all too much so I put that project away. I am trying to not only scan our important documents, but also all of Mom’s, and Mom has a LOT. I think that getting all of these scanned and uploaded to Dropbox and on my big hard drive is super important. I just really don’t want to do it!

With Lenora and Ben R no longer in the apartment, I do have some space free. I have been thinking about doing something temporary out there, with just the card table, to work on the scanning project. Separating it from everything else might be a good way to proceed. Everything I do feels so jumbled up in my mind right now. I need to organize my new novel and I need to organize my entire life!

Last thing, I’m reading the Dungeon Crawler Carl series and it is amazing.

This post was all over the place. That’s okay.

Ways you were your best self this year

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Last day. That makes me think of the chapter “Last Day” in Charlotte’s Web, which is one of the most powerful chapters in literature I know. I did a performance of it as a prose when I was a sophomore in high school, and I remember making the whole room – including the judges – break into tears.

But this is not that. This is “December Journaling if You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year,” and today is Ways You Were Your Best Self This Year.

I don’t like to brag on myself, because I know that any good is me is from God. I credit Him with my not freaking out, or getting depressed, or having a pity party while we have been going through financial difficulty. I credit Him for the times when I have apologized, the times when I have done more than I thought was really my fair share, the times when I have been hurt but did my best not to repay hurt with hurt. It’s truly not me, though. It’s God.

I want to finish this year by saying that if you do not have a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ, it is the most fulfilling thing in my life. Everything hinges off of it, and without it, I would have nothing. I invite you to ask me any questions about it, or visit your local Bible-believing church to find out more. Eternity has already started, and I know my life is worth living because He is in me!

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life. -John 3:16

A memorable journey from the year

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“December Journaling if You Think You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” Day 28: A memorable journey from the year.

One thing that was memorable was Belinda’s final dance nationals competition. I got credit cards to pay for it, which I know wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I was unable to even consider not letting her do it. Getting to see her dance like that one last time was so wonderful. It was also really special to have that week where it was just Ben, Belinda, and me. We didn’t go too crazy with spending but we ate out a few times and I bought passes to go to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, the Ripley’s Aquarium, and some Ripley’s mini golf thing. I really just did it for the aquarium, but the other things were interesting too. And Belinda loves mini golf. We got to go with her duet tap partner and her family. It was fun hanging out with them. We also went to the library, rode the free trolley a LOT, explored, went through the national forest, saw a lot of cool things. And I got to spend time with just Belinda. I am so glad we had that time before she went to college in August. I can treasure that forever. One thing I did not do is post any pictures onto facebook about it, because I was waiting for the dance media to go along with the post, but now I can’t even remember what I’ve done with that now. I’m sure it’s all saved on the hard drive, but I would like to do a post about it, so it will be in my memories each year. I’m thinking I will do it on the one year anniversary. Along with Bennett and Mia’s wedding. One year anniversary isn’t even a month away for that, so I need to gather my photos now!

Another memorable journey was Karlene and my journey to support Sarah’s first year in marching band. We went to almost all the football games (Northwestern Parents Day got in the way one time, and the haunted house at the theater was the other) and not only did we get to see her perform, we also got to watch the Tigers have an undefeated season and win state! Sarah had never been to a Tuttle football game before this. What a way to start! Not only that, we got to see the band perform their routine at competitions and I really enjoyed that. Sarah was always so happy to see me there. Made my heart joyful! And Karlene and I traveled to out of town games, had dinner together at interesting places, and stayed the night in a very odd motel. We spent the night because the next day we all buried Sarah’s stepmom’s ashes, and that was quite a journey in itself. And it’s not quite over, since she doesn’t have a headstone yet. That can be a 2026 project.

And it’s not really traveling, but this journey through being “poverty people” (a Righteous Gemstones reference that I adopted) was extremely memorable. Food pantries, medical issues, financial assistance, cutoff notices, watching our bank account dip below zero once again, pushing pride to the side to accept help from other people, and still knowing that God has held all of us through all of it has been so good for our family. I would have rather learned these lessons without being so strapped, but I know that if this is the path God chose it was the right one for us! I am so thankful for everything that has happened this year.

Lifelong goals and achievements you’re still working toward

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This one is a lot easier than the others have been lately. It’s much simpler to think towards the future than remember the past, at least with the way my brain has been the last few years.

So this “December Journaling If You Feel LIke You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” is Day 27: Lifelong goals and achievements you’re still working toward.

-To be a better Christian.
-Pray more, read the Bible more, proclaim God’s love more, and love more.
-To remember to be thankful in everything, and to express that thankfulness regularly.
-To have the fruits of the spirit all the time.
-To be a better wife, parent, daughter, relative, friend.
-To actually have a clean house that stays cleanish and organized.
-To be traditionally published!!
-To be a best-selling author!
-To be more healthy.
-To not always feel like I don’t know what’s going on and that I’m left out and don’t really understand how things work. (I should probably change this one to continuing to accept myself for who I am!)

I think that’s a pretty good list.

Ways the year was the same as last year in a positive way

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“December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” Day 25: Ways the year was the same as last year in a positive way.

• I have a hard time remembering details from 2024.

• I do know that although I have several serious health issues, I am relatively healthy.

• Although my family might not all live with me anymore, they are still my family.

• I wrote some last year, and I wrote some this year.

• I still have the same house, and I still like it.

• I still have Jesus in my heart and proclaim Him Lord and Savior.

• We still have Rosemary, Sage, and Poppy.

• I still write for the Tuttle Times.

• I still go to the same church.

So those are all good things. I’m sure there’s more, but that’s enough, I think.

Identify five of your favorite conversations from this year

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I thought these couldn’t get any worse but here we are.

“December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year” has done me dirty once again with this one.

Identify five of your favorite conversations from this year.

I do not know how I am going to even begin to think of favorite conversations. I am starting to doubt the authority of the person who created this. What credentials entitled them to create this calendar and take over my life for a month?

Anyway…I don’t know. I have a lot of fun conversations but not a lot of deep conversations, you get me? I love texting and emailing, so I can go back and see things again. I don’t remember a lot of day to day stuff. Does anyone?

We have had such a year. The last 12 months have been such a roller coaster with so many huge life changes. I do know that some of my favorite times this year have been with family, especially when the whole family comes over and does something together, like play trivial pursuit or another game. Also when we do things like the medallion hunt or go for walks or watch a movie. These are my favorite times. I also am really happy when Belinda comes home for the weekend, and when Bennett comes for lunch because Mia is at work, so I get to spoil him with his comfort foods. It was also wonderful when Lenora and Ben R were in the apartment and I got to watch podcasts with her. And when Sarah is so happy to see me after school! And when Karlene and I went to all the football games together, and then we got to see them win state together! These were very good times.

So instead of conversations, which are only words, I’m going to choose to remember the feelings that I had those times, and all the joy they brought me. I love my family so very much.