How do you find balance when you have so many roles in life?

Yesterday, as I typed at the coffee shop and nibbled on my biscotti, I felt very much like a cool, put-together writer person. Then I leisurely left and drove over to the location of our SCBWI meeting. I got a text that my writing bff was on her way, so I parked, went inside, hit two pokestops, and then ducked into the ladies’ room.

And that was when my youngest small person called. Concerning something with my oldest small person. And then I had to go home. No delightful dinner with friends. No get together. No sharing, no meeting, no socializing. I had to go home. I used to let my husband deal with these things on my writers’ night, but now he has joined SCBWI as an artist and I can’t just dump it on him anymore. So I went home. I told him he should go to the meeting but he went home too. I cooked dinner. We watched TV.

I have to admit, I cried a little on the way home. It’s hard to completely understand what I was feeling at the time. I knew that I could no longer enjoy myself at the meeting, knowing that things were going poorly at home. They are my responsibility. And I felt like I had been selfish to go to the coffee shop instead of just going home after helping Ben. I always feel a little selfish when I go to writing things anyway, but I told myself I deserved to be a little selfish. That it was good for me, and for them. And it was good for my writing career.

But is it really? Or am I just telling myself that so that I can indulge myself?

As I drove (it’s like almost an hour to get home from there), I thought that maybe I just wasn’t supposed to really immerse myself into the social aspect of writing at this time. Maybe I need to wait until the youngest is grown. That’s only about nine more years.

I’ve been going through so much spiritual awakening and growth lately, and the thought of this doesn’t even really bother me right now. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that we can learn and grow from all our experiences. But what is this telling me? For the moment, I’m still going to the upcoming conference. I have committed to work at it, and I’m not going to let the others down. But I asked my mother to help me with the home fires, and she is going to. I don’t feel that I should ask her to do this every time I want to go have fun, though.

Yesterday I planned that today I would go to the library in the next town over and use one of their private study rooms to work on my wip. I was going to take my index cards and reconsider each scene of the novel and their order. I also planned on bringing a notebook and working on excursions for an upcoming trip we’re going on. I thought I might take the kids and let them enjoy the library, or I’d leave them at home together. By the time I got home, I didn’t think either was a good idea. If I can’t feel comfortable leaving them at home together, how could I have them at the library? I’d have to focus on them instead of my work, because I’m not sure I can count on any of them to be responsible for the others.

So now I’m thinking I’ll do the trip planning stuff at the kitchen table. Then I can make my son do his math at the table with me, because he basically needs to be stared at to get his work done. He’s several weeks behind. Again. I can’t focus on my writing, but at least some things will get done.

I feel like I sound like I’m making excuses to not get done with my work. I want to do my work. I just can’t seem to figure out how to do it. Every thing I try leaves me blocked.

I went to the 2019 Spring Conference for the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators of Oklahoma this weekend. Originally I was planning to not go. I hadn’t even updated my membership, even though I was still doing some publicity work for the group. I was very blah about the whole thing, and I couldn’t seem to get anything published. Writing was at a stall. I wasn’t even going to my SCBWI Oklahoma meetings, even though I’d always enjoyed them. I went to critique group, but it was a big challenge to go.

So I had a dream, and out of that dream came the idea for the novel I am about to begin writing. I was trying to feel more enthusiastic and writers-ly, so I invited the best writer friend I’ve got, Kim, over to talk publishing and stuff. So we hung out and talked, and she invited me to stay with her during the conference (it was in Tulsa). So I went and registered.

And then she texted me that night, super apologetic, that I couldn’t stay with her after all (for a really good reason so it was all good, but I didn’t know what to do then). Rooms were really high, and the idea of driving to Tulsa sounded so gross. Plus, my family were headed into their weekend crisis time, with one child needed rides to one place and another needed to go other places, and the eldest (who can drive) at work so she couldn’t always be there. Plus I had to get stuff ready for the theater in town by Saturday and I had a whole church lesson to get ready for my children’s church class. And there was a ladies lunch after church and I needed to bring food for that and suddenly going seemed a WHOLE LOT HARDER than staying and so I decided to stay home.

BUT

I had told our regional advisor that I would work the registration table, like I always do, and so I needed to text her and bow out gracefully. She immediately asked if it was about the hotel cost and I said kinda, but there was the other stuff too, and then she invited me to share a room with her and the ARA. For nothing. Just couchsurf with them. And even though the other stuff was still looming over head I said yes.

And it was great. I rode with Kim and stayed with the leaders. I helped a lot and the couch turned into a pullout and they invited me to eat with them several times and we got a free breakfast and I spent so little money but came away with a lot. The speakers were lovely and so fun to talk to and I got that delicious sense of camaraderie and creativity that descends on one during writing events.

So now I’m gearing up to start the new novel. I’ve been jotting down ideas in a notebook and I’m getting closer to beginning. Usually I have that perfect first line before I begin, and I’m not quite there yet, but I can feel it getting closer. I don’t have the names of the characters yet but hopefully soon.

Anyway, I got busy talking to my mom and looking at social media tools, so I’m going to get done and take care of that. And then I’m going to keep doing my plotting/planning.

I’m at my daughters’ dance competition, listening to music in my earbuds and also super loud dance music while I sit in the back row with my laptop. I am looking at my new revisions and thinking about them.

I sound so boring today, but I kind of feel that way. I’m only blogging because I thought that would be a good thing to do today, since I’m not actually writing new words. And I’m only planning to read all my agent’s revision notes, not actually begin revising. But reading all the notes and thinking about them is still progress.

I’m doing well with the instagram writers’ thing. I’m on day 13 and I actually haven’t missed a day yet. It’s basically a miracle.

I’m also just too darn busy with all the other things I do. My eldest is graduating next month and there is an awful lot to do. There’s only ten graduates, since it’s for our homeschool group, and they all get a lot of special things…but Mom gets to do all the work! I’m also swamped with stuff for the dance studio, the local theatre, and my scbwi group. And I love all those things, I really do, but I’m not quite as good at balancing everything as I’d like to be.

Anyway. Back to work. Wish me luck.

So I’m doing this thing on Instagram this month under the hashtag #igwritersapril. It’s supposed to be fun but it is also a challenge because I am so gosh darn lazy. Anyway, I did the first two days and they weren’t super easy but today’s subject is bookshelf and that sounds very appealing. All I have to do is actually clean mine up a little so it looks presentable and then take a picture of it. Much easier than trying to describe my work in progress using photographs.

Of course I actually have like six bookshelves, so theoretically I could take pictures of all of them. But then I’d have to clean all of them. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. So maybe I will. But writing comes first. I can’t really claim to be a writer on instagram if don’t, you know, actually write and stuff.

My darling writing conference starts on Friday. I’m so happy to be going again. I really enjoy it. There’s still time to get registered over at the SCBWI Oklahoma web page, so if you are or wanna be a writer or illustrator, get thee to the site and join us!

So I hosted a SCBWI thing at my house on Saturday. That went well. We didn’t have a lot of people but it was fun and informative. Afterward, Kim stayed and talked to me a little about a manuscript that I am working on revising. I was having issues with something, but after talking it through, I was able to recognize a problem in it I just couldn’t see, and then I had an idea how to fix it – and bonus, it gave me another interesting wrinkle to add to the manuscript, which I love. It just takes things a little bit deeper.

I have critique group tonight too, and I’ve got my pages printed out but not stapled yet. Oh, and I just remembered that I was going to print those double sided and I never turned the paper over. Maybe I should check on that, lol.

Also, here’s a picture after the thing at my house.

Critique partners and writing friends are highly recommended.

Now to check the printer.

So it occurred to me on Tuesday that I never wrote the final day of the writing retreat. That’s okay, though, because instead I wrote some more on the wip and got it to 15,000 words!! That means I wrote more than 10,000 during the weekend, which is pretty bomb. I haven’t done anything with it since, but I’ve been busy working on the celebration of life stuff for my friend.

When I got back I learned about the sexual harassment stuff that’s going on with SCBWI. That was disconcerting. It hit close to home and reminded me how important the novel I’m working on really is, at least to me. If it can help someone in the future, that would be amazing. It’s helping me right now, and that’s amazing too.