ONE HUNDRED TOPIC ARCHIVE

I’m going to try to finish the 100 journal entries project. I tried to go back to the original site I found these at (an old angelfire site) but it wasn’t working. Thank you Wayback Machine! I’m going to just put them here so I have them to refer to. Here’s the whole page. All Credit to Jean Davis on NCTE-Talk. Angelfire site was http://www.angelfire.com/ok/freshenglish/journaltopics.html.

Journal Topics
One Hundred Topics for Personal Essays
Provided by Jean Davis on NCTE-Talk

1. Did you ever stick up for someone?
2. Describe your neighborhood bully.
3. Did you ever hitchhike?
4. Did you have a paper route?
5. Write about a babysitting experience.
6. Describe a great fort you built or a great game you played as a child.
7. Write about an enemy who eventually became your friend.
8. Did you ever fall through ice?
9. Write about a time you cheated and were caught.
10. Write about a privilege you earned.
11. How did you get along with your cousins?
12. Write about the stray animals you brought home.
13. Describe an event that made you realize you were growing up.
14. Did you ever send away for something that turned out to be a disappointment?
15. Did you ever prove yourself to someone older?
16. What was it like to go shopping with your grandma? mom? dad? friends?
17. Write about a time you performed in front of an audience.
18. Write about a difficult decision you had to make.
19. Write about a time you found out something about yourself.
20. What did you do last summer? What did you do the summer you were ten?
21. Write about learning to skate, to ride a bike, to climb a tree, or to turn a cartwheel.
22. Describe learning to drive.
23. Did you ever get lost in a strange town?
24. Were you ever locked in or out?
25. Did you ever witness a birth?
26. Write about getting fired or quitting.
27. What was it like to spend your first night away from home?
28. What was it like to come back home after a long vacation?
29. Write about a disappointment.
30. Write about something minor that turned into a big deal.
31. Write about something that flopped.
32. Write about a time you had to communicate with someone you couldn’t understand.
33. Did you ever win or lose a contest?
34. Write about something you desperately wanted as a kid.
35. Did you ever see a ghost?
36. Did you ever run away from home? How far did you get?
37. Write about the best attic or basement you’ve ever been in.
38. Did you ever know someone who had “everything”?
39. Write about a time as a child when you played in one of the following: a treehouse, a cornfield, a construction site, a junkyard, an abandoned house or barn, a stream, a cemetery, a pasture, railroad tracks.
40. What did you do to amuse yourself as a child when you had to wait for a long time? (for instance, at the doctor’s or dentist’s office)
41. Did your mom or dad ever make you wear something you hated?
42. What was the earliest you ever got up in the morning? the latest you ever stayed up?
43. Write about a time you were talked into something and regretted it.
44. Were you ever in a helicopter, limousine, race car, hot-air balloon, submarine, or horse-drawn carriage?
45. Did you ever forget something extremely important?
46. Write about an experience in a hospital.
47. Were you ever accused of something you didn’t do?
48. Write about a disastrous trip or vacation.
49. Were you ever give a responsibility you couldn’t handle?
50. Were you ever in a fire, flood, tornado, or hurricane?
51. Did you ever have a secret language?
52. Write about becoming disillusioned with someone you admired or respected.
53. Describe the best concert you ever attended.
54. What was the best nickname you ever made up for a friend?
55. Did you ever become friends with someone much younger or much older than you?
56. Did you ever make friends with a wild animal?
57. Write about a window you broke or something valuable you lost.
58. Did you ever climb onto the roof when your parents weren’t home?
59. Did you ever save someone from getting hurt?
60. Did anyone ever save you from getting hurt?
61. Did you ever catch fireflies? crickets? frogs? snakes?
62. Write about a time when you tried to help and ended up making things worse.
63. Did you ever break an important promise?
64. Write about moving to another town or city.
65. Describe an outdoor game you used to play in the summertime.
66. Write about picking apples or berries.
67. Write about building sandcastles or mudpies.
68. Did you ever meet a famous person?
69. Describe a club you organized or belonged to as a kid.
70. Writing about mowing the lawn, burning leaves, or weeding the garden.
71. Describe a car or bicycle accident you were in.
72. Write about being a misfit.
73. Write about a day spent in another country.
74. Write about a terrifying nightmare.
75. Was there a haunted house in your neighborhood?
76. Write about a time you outsmarted someone.
77. Write about a time you had to wait for something you wanted.
78. What was it like to get glasses or braces?
79. Write about being friends with your brother or sister.
80. Write about going shopping for new clothes.
81. Did you ever try to be something you really weren’t?
82. What kind of adventures did you have in the bathtub?
83. Write about job hunting.
84. Write about wearing high heels or neckties for the first time.
85. How did you find out the truth about Santa Claus?
86. Write about seeing the ocean or the mountains for the first time.
87. Have you ever had a broken bone?
88. Write about being in Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, 4-H, or some other organization.
89. Did you ever turn someone in or tell on someone and feel bad about it later?
90. Write about going back to school after summer vacation.
91. Describe your playground or vacant lot.
92. Write about a time your parents embarrassed you.
93. Describe learning something from a friend.
94. Describe teaching something to a friend.
95. Have you ever taken a long trip alone?
96. Write about a book or a movie that made a strong impression on you.
97. Write about a time when you gave someone good advice.
98. Describe the best time you ever had in your life.
99. Write about the funniest thing that ever happened to you.
100. Write about a time you embarrassed your parents.

Forsaken

Yesterday I had a thought that I haven’t before. I feel forsaken.

Even if my rational mind does not believe that is true, it’s how I feel. It hit when I was in my car, Christian radio on, and someone was singing about God always being their shelter and their rock and always being there for them and I realized that although I can rationally know that is true, I am not feeling it. I feel forsaken. I have smiled and praised and been thankful and grateful for so long, through so many trials. But I did have hope that the trials would someday end and there would be joy in the morning.

My hope is ebbing away. I believe in the joy of life after death, but I am losing hope that there will be any sort of turnaround in my life before that point.

I know I have it good. My family loves me. I have a safe house. I have my little garden. I have my pets. My work I do.

And yet, the word forsaken still resonates me with more strongly than any other. I am not angry or even really sad. I am quiet. Introspective. I am still rolling this word around on my tongue and tasting how it feels to me. Forsaken.

At this time, in this moment, in this season, it feels right.

Midsummer

We are deep into summer. It’s over a hundred degrees outside most days. Ben bought a new window air conditioner. It’s nice. Mom dislikes it because she says it’s too cold. She keeps her door shut. But the two days we had no air conditioning she decided she preferred to have it. Of course, she doesn’t remember that now.

Belinda has finished summer school. She ended up with an A in her psych class, which she loved, and a B in her personal finance class, which she detested. She is trying to do extra credit to bring the B up. I’m glad she doesn’t get too worked up about that kind of thing anymore. She is at her job at the Tuttle Library right now. She has really enjoyed working there this summer. They are having a dinosaur tea party today as part of the summer reading program and she made the cutest cupcakes to take along. She hid them in her room last night so no one would find them and eat them!

Sarah will be at band camp from 8 to 4 every day next week. It’s going to be a long, hot week. I know she’ll enjoy it though. She likes band now and is proud of the part that she plays in it. She will also be in the musical Tarzan next weekend and the one after. She has really been getting into that as well. It’s good.

Ben had an interview for a job that’s actually in COBOL this week, and they requested a second interview. I don’t think it would pay much more than what he is making now, but at least it would be something that he really enjoys doing, and that he’s trained for and confident in. I’m happy for him. Plus the hours would be a little more regular.

Mom has gotten a bit worse. We had a pretty good system where she was okay watching TV most of the day and I’d do the things I needed to do. After this latest slip down, she gets confused by the shows and wants me to come in her room again and again to reassure her that it is correct. She doesn’t believe me. Like she watches the Lone Ranger and if he’s not on the screen for a minute or two, she gets upset because it’s the wrong show. She also feels like she should be doing something. She keeps coming to me and asking what she needs to be doing. I can barely keep myself together right now, so I can’t imagine giving her little chores or hobbies to keep her occupied. So I usually get her a snack and put her in front of the TV again, so I can keep working on whatever I’m trying to do.

The last person in this house is me. I am not doing well. I am doing very bad, matter of fact. I cannot keep existing like this. I can’t even describe what the problem is. It’s a million tiny paper cuts bleeding me dry. Mom’s needs. Sarah needing rides and direction. Belinda’s medical issues and support needs. I don’t even want to say any more because this is personal stuff for people I love but the gist of it is, I’ve spent my whole life helping others and serving others and I was very, very good at it. I was super busy but I was good at it. And now I am overwhelmed. I’ve read quite a bit about autistic overwhelm and burnout and I’m sure that’s what I’m in and I have been for a while. So I try to pull back and then start again but each time I restart, my window for being able to work properly seems to be getting smaller and smaller. One thing I read was that many high-functioning adhd/autistic women who are undiagnosed only discover their neurodivergence when they are in perimenopause. This happens because they have been able to handle everything and then suddenly they cannot anymore. I’ve wondered if the brain fog is from a medication, or long covid, and it may be, but I do think that it is also coupled with perimenopause and it is just beyond what I feel I can bear. Like I know God is with me through this but I am drawning. Absolutely drowning. And even when I tell my loved ones, I feel like they are sorry but they have their own problems and can’t help me.

I am looking for a second caregiver to come in. We all like the lady Mom has now but I need more than that. I also need Sarah to get her drivers license because taking her places is also just too much. And that sounds ridiculous. How could that be too much? But when it is added on to everything else it just is. I keep trying to find escape hatches or solves, and I haven’t found anything. I know I am an intelligent person, but the solution to this trap I’ve built for myself eludes me.

I am not at peace. I am a very, very long way from being at peace. Yes, there are moments of joy, but my entire system feels like it is full of static and disease. I love my family and I want to do things for them. It’s how I show my love to them. But it’s also how I feel love and the well feels so dry, right when I need more. A lot more.

I can fake it. I keep trying to fake it. I keep praying and deciding that I am thankful for all of this, and I get up and work and clean and serve and do but I’m still not writing. And that’s what my heart yearns for. But it seems like no one around me really cares that I cannot seem to do it in this state.

It was easier when Ben couldn’t find work. At least then I could get medical care. Finances are also bad. I’m getting to the point where I’m going to have to decide which medications are the most important for me, and which ones I can just cross my fingers on. I write my newspaper stories to help a little. But newspaper stories don’t pay for $1200 electric bills (hopefully the new a/c unit will help with that one next month). I also can’t get my brain to comply enough to do the other at-home job I’ve been working on. It takes real focus, and I just don’t have it.

I don’t want to be the person who plans things anymore. I don’t want to be the person who runs things anymore. I don’t want to be the person who thinks about things anymore. You know what I want?

I would like to have a nice quiet place where the temperature was nice and no one needed anything from me and I could work on my novel and read, and have my little garden (my porch garden has been a bright spot this summer), and write letters and cards to friends and loved ones, and just decompress and breathe and get back to where I can feel balance and peace and the beautiful presence of God in my every moment.

I’m not going to hurt myself, I need to make that very clear. But I do feel like when it is my time to pass away, it will be a great relief to be away from all of this.

I probably shouldn’t post this but I am going to anyway. Call it a cry for help. Maybe I’ll go back and make it private later.

Busy, fun days

This week was Bennett’s birthday. I was worried I would not see Bennett on his birthday because he and Mia had plans with friends, but they made it happen. I was very glad! I will be sad some day when I don’t get to be with my babies on their birthday, and you know it will happen at some point.

The next day was Sarah’s art show at the school and she had some great pieces in the show. I posted them on facebook and they got a lot of compliments.

Then yesterday we went to Ben’s work’s Family Fun Day at Orr Farms. Belinda didn’t come home from college and Sarah didn’t want to go. Sad. But Ben and I went, and Lenora and Ben R, and Bennett and Mia, and Ben R’s family too, and that was fun. We took a ton of photos and we had lunch there and Ben won a soft sided cooler.

Orr Farms is set up mostly for small people, but even though we were big people we had a good time. I got a strawberry lemonade and I could taste it a little!

Still going

I continued to write every day in Alva and that felt great! I wrote at the public library, at the college library, in Belinda’s dorm room, and just sitting in the van.

I’m a little nervous about continuing when I get back home, where all the things that pull me away await.

A small update

It is surprising that it has been a month and a day since I wrote anything on here last. I have been very busy with medical and other things. Right now I am with Sarah at a dentist appointment, but I wanted to write something because I recently got the Finch app to try to be more productive, and I put “write something” on it and so I must write something. I did write a poem a few days ago, when I was in OKC for my yearly lady appointment.

Upon leaving an appt in the city

It’s fun to pretend to be a real person.
I think this thought as I travel the sidewalk
Like everyone else.
You are a real person, I remind myself.
But it’s okay; I know what I meant.

So anyway, I had the urge and so I wrote that. Because the thought was interesting to me.

I got a 2500 grant for ACT I this month and that’s the first one I’ve done. It felt really good to help in that way.

Cleaning

Ben is at work today and I cleaned house all morning. It seems that I don’t mind cleaning. What I do mind is people lounging around the house while I am cleaning.

Mom doesn’t count!

Now it’s time to get a lot of busywork done. I have a lot of newspaper and health things that I have been putting off and that’s what’s next. I want to read the next Dungeon Crawler Carl book (I’m on book 4, The Gate of the Feral Gods) but I shall not. At least I can do one responsible thing first!

Who Made You Laugh This Year

Again, I’m not sure how this pertains to “December Journaling if You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year.” Whatever. 21. Who made you laugh this year.

Ben, Mom, Lenora, Bennett, Belinda, Sarah, Ben R. Mia, Karlene, Krislyn, Kevin, Gary.

I also laughed at stuff Alx James did and the Holderness Family.

I don’t laugh super easy, and my big uncontrollable laugh is extremely rare and very coveted by my children. Bennett got me once this year and I can’t even remember what it was about but I remember how I kept hysterically laughing and I remember how proud he was.

I don’t even know what it is and I’m smiling again. Man, it was funny.

Last Day in DC

It’s eleven days after we left DC, but I still wanted to post that last day on here.

We woke up and packed up all our stuff. Then we went downtstairs and the front desk checked it so we didn’t have to haul it around all day. From there we ubered to the Rayburn building at the Capitol. We had an appointment to meet Tom Cole at 12:30. We got there early and that gave us more time to figure out where things were. We had a nice sit down meeting with him. We mostly talked about Belinda and about things in Oklahoma – just a social visit, really. It was nice meeting him. He seemed impressed with Belinda, and said if she was interested in being an intern in the future, she could apply with his staff.

He gave us each one of his coins, which is like coins people in the armed services carry. For some sort of bar thing. This was Belinda’s second coin like this; she has another from when she was very little and Jim Inhofe gave her one. She did not realize this because when she got old enough to try to play with it I hid it from her.

After that we walked around a bit. Belinda got a headache so we walked to a CVS. Then we got an uber again and went back to the hotel to get our stuff, then went to the airport. We volunteered to check our bags because the flight was so full, which we hadn’t done before. It was kind of a drag getting them afterward, but it was also nice not hauling them around right after the flight.

Belinda was on her laptop the whole time, writing. I don’t remember what I did. Mostly concentrated on keeping my elbow away from my neighbor’s elbow.

Lenora and Ben R. came and picked us up and the airport and that was very nice. They were hungry and so were we so we went to KFC, then home!

Belinda said the dilation didn’t help very much this time. Bummer.