I have been having a more difficult time as of late. It is interesting to see that, after so much time feeling very collected and peaceful, I have finally hit a snag.

Mom is getting worse. The dementia has reached a level that is very hard for me to handle. I am not sure how to make this work and keep my peace and my own sanity. The stress of it is making me less patient with others as well. Today Mom was asking me questions and Sarah was also upset with me about something and it was just so much that I started wrenching the lid on the jar of peanuts I was holding. I felt like I needed to hit myself to stop the energy dashing all over inside of me and regain control. But I did not, and I’m proud of myself. I am so thankful for Ben, who saw my distress and handled it for me. I fled to the porch and then to the yard, to a chair I have put in a corner where I can hopefully just be alone and rest. I did feel God’s peace and love after a bit, and I was quietly singing It is Well with My Soul, but I still felt that energy zapping inside of me. It is really a struggle to deal with that.

I finally came back inside but I am still by myself. I read some of the book I’m trying to get through, Worlds in Collision by Immanuel Velikowsky. It’s interesting but it is DENSE. I can still feel that energy. it’s not a good energy. It’s a wild energy and it makes me feel dreadful. I probably sound crazy talking about it, but it really is difficult to describe. This is the best I can do right now.

Tomorrow I am going as a chaperone for the school band trip to Dallas. I felt like Sarah would need more support since she doesn’t really have friends in the band. I am not sure what all will be involved but I know it’s not just party time for me; I really have to watch and help, and that will not be easy. When I dropped her off at school today I told her I was looking forward to tomorrow and also dreading it. She said, “Me too,” and that helps some. We are two birds of a feather in a lot of ways.

I opened some windows today because the house felt stuffy and smelly. I’m in a room with an open window now and there is just the loudest frog outside! I went to the window and tried to see it, and then it was very quiet because it’s so close. I stood still and it trilled again and it was so noisy! I am glad it’s so happy out there. I love frogs. Or toads. Whatever they are here. They are wonderful.

I hope Ben remembers to take care of everybody here while I’m gone.

I am also planning to go to the SCBWI Oklahoma-Arkansas spring conference in Tulsa next weekend! I almost didn’t. But I finally realized that I really did want to. So I am.

I am thankful, still. I need to remember that. And I need to pray more!