Ben is at work today and I cleaned house all morning. It seems that I don’t mind cleaning. What I do mind is people lounging around the house while I am cleaning.

Mom doesn’t count!

Now it’s time to get a lot of busywork done. I have a lot of newspaper and health things that I have been putting off and that’s what’s next. I want to read the next Dungeon Crawler Carl book (I’m on book 4, The Gate of the Feral Gods) but I shall not. At least I can do one responsible thing first!

Again, I’m not sure how this pertains to “December Journaling if You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year.” Whatever. 21. Who made you laugh this year.

Ben, Mom, Lenora, Bennett, Belinda, Sarah, Ben R. Mia, Karlene, Krislyn, Kevin, Gary.

I also laughed at stuff Alx James did and the Holderness Family.

I don’t laugh super easy, and my big uncontrollable laugh is extremely rare and very coveted by my children. Bennett got me once this year and I can’t even remember what it was about but I remember how I kept hysterically laughing and I remember how proud he was.

I don’t even know what it is and I’m smiling again. Man, it was funny.

Belinda doesn’t feel well this morning. Her chest and her throat hurt. This didn’t happen after the last time, so I wonder if she might be coming down with something. She might have also slipped off her incline in the night, which would make stomach acid come into her throat. It’s difficult for her to sleep on an incline in a hotel. We tried to put pillows under the head of our mattress, but it’s a king size and it was too much for us, so we just put a lot of pillows under her head.

We were supposed to go meet Sen. Markwayne Mullin this morning but we canceled that and instead are just hanging around in the hotel. I’ve been working on the programs for the show at the theater this weekend. She just woke up (it’s almost 11) but hasn’t made any moves to get up yet.

Our dear kitty Nutmeg passed away in the night. Ben gave us the sad news this morning. Nutmeg was pretty old and had been having some health issues so at least she is at peace now. She was a wonderful kitty, and I would say the smartest cat I have ever known.

Nutmeg in her heyday.

Here we are again, for another day of “December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year.”

A moment you felt proud this year and why.

I can tell you that when I first read this, I thought of something for one of the kids. And then I thought of something for another one. And then I realized I could never write down just one thing that I was proud of the children this year. So I had to do something else.

I guess the thing that was the hardest to accomplish this year has been the huge Sarah birth certificate fiasco. I was very proud to hold that birth certificate in my hand, and very proud to hold Sarah’s driver’ permit in my hand as well!

I don’t know what else. This has been such a year of ups and downs! Anyway…pride goeth before a fall so maybe I should just cool it.

It’s the 10th and I’m backdating again. I remembered when I was in bed last night and I definitely decided to stay right where I was!

So here we go with the Dec. 9 edition of “December Journaling If You Feel Like You Haven’t Achieved Much This Year.”

Three things you wouldn’t change about the year, no matter what.

I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. I think that all things work together for the good of those who love God. I love God so it’s all for my good. Now, my good might not be what I want at the time, but again and again it has proved to have been good for me later. We will not understand everything this side of eternity, but someday. I know that God knows what’s best and I trust Him completely.

So, with that in mind, I can’t really pick three things I wouldn’t change about the year. But I can put three things that I definitely am glad about – I’m thankful for all the time I got to spend with my family this year. I’m thankful for how God has taken care of us again and again during this time of trial. I’m thankful for my home and my bed and my table and the people I get to share life with!

In 10 days, Belinda and I will once again be getting on an airplane and going to Washington, DC, for her procedure. It will be a scope plus dilation if she needs it, which they will decide when they’re in there. I bet she will. She needed one in the spring too. I think she might not be drinking enough water. I know that’s hard when you’re a busy teen, but her health is on the line. I’ll talk to the doctors about that when we are in DC.

We fly out on the 15th, the procedure is on the 16th, and we return on the 18th. I am very thankful that it won’t be quite as rushed as the last one was. The flights are set and taken care of, as is the hotel room. I’ll get reimbursed for ground transportation. I think I will get a newspaper check before that, so I’ll put that in the bank and use that to pay for the ground transportation up front, and for food.

Crossposted from my livejournal.

Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

It’s Tuesday, October 14, and although I continue to plan to write each day, it has not become the habit I hoped for yet. I suppose it’s better to not make it too regular, for me, lest I miss a day and then give up totally. I would like to get on a better schedule but it is all right.

Today I forgot to turn on my alarm and got Sarah to school right at 8 a.m. She’s going on a band trip today, to the OSSAA Marching Band competition in Elgin. Karlene and I are going too, but not until this afternoon. I think I should shower before we go and I’m also trying to clean the house some before Belinda comes home tomorrow for fall break. I am so happy she will be here for a few days! I want everything to be somewhat neat so it’s easy to cook her favorites and keep the house reasonably clean. I want her to really enjoy her long weekend!

I also have to get my newspaper stories done for Jayson this morning, and check to see what I sent him before and make sure everything is getting in there. I am not great about that. I need to find a way to keep track of that better.

Mom just got up an hour earlier than normal and made me feel her clothes to see if they’re wet. Then she grilled me on whether I’m going anywhere today and I lied and said I wasn’t, and she went back to bed. Now I’m angry. I’m tired of this never ending loop. I don’t want to be mad first thing in the morning. It makes the whole day less good. But I don’t know how to fix that. I read my Bible as soon as I got home from taking Sarah to school. I am trying to do better and be better. I also looked at my phone a little but I did read and think about what I was reading. I was sitting on the porch. It was somewhat nice but it still needs some work out there. Everything always needs work, doesn’t it?

So I read Psalm 1. This is what it says:

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

I read this through several times and I liked the idea of being like a tree planted by streams of water. That’s when I saw that it says the tree yields its fruit in its season. In its season. Like how in everything there is a season.

I feel like I am not yielding fruit very well right now. For a long time, I felt like I was on track and the Fruits of the Spirit were evident in my everyday life, without much effort on my part. I didn’t want to be proud of that, but I did feel like I could see that the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control were very present in my life. I honestly delighted in it, running through each one in my mind and thinking about how somehow, God was creating all those things, effortlessly, in me. But now, I don’t feel it. I keep going through the motions but apparently the added stressors in my life have the ability to easily take me to a place where that fruit isn’t readily apparent. Oh, they are there sometimes, but recently, and increasingly, I have felt mad, angry, frustrated, impatient, mean, short-tempered, untrustworthy, harsh, and chaotic. I do not know how to stop being like that because I do not feel I will stop doing what is bringing these on. So that makes me feel trapped, which adds hopelessness to the situation.

Anyway. The part about in its season spoke to me this morning. A tree is considered fruitful when it produces fruit in its season. A season isn’t all the time.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

This does not mean that I’m going to just throw my hands in the air and give up on having the Fruits of the Spirit at this time of my life. I believe that we are to want to please God, and living a life that way is pleasing to God. What I am not going to do is beat myself up or stress myself out just because I am struggling through a difficult situation. This is for a season. This is not forever. And if I am not producing the fruit I believe I should be producing while I am walking what basically feels like the valley of the shadow of death, that does not mean that I am a failure. God is with me, and his rod and staff comforts me.

I was not created to produce fruit all the time, without ceasing, 24/7, 365, for a lifetime. I will keep praying, keep reading, keep praising, keep singing through all of this, and when this season ends I will still be standing by that stream of water, ready to bear fruit for the King.

I pray that even the meager offerings I am producing during this season will be of some benefit for his kingdom, and that one day I will be able to be in that beautiful place again where I felt him in my every moment, and it showed in my life. Until then, I am thankful to be right where I am.